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Table of contents for Ask Jester
- Ask Jester
- Ask Jester
As I said earlier, I get some strange requests on my search pages and the occasional email. Some of these have come in the form of a question, which I have decided to answer here.
Disclaimer:
I am not a doctor. I don’t play one on tv. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist.
I am, however, a smart ass, as Miss Britt has pointed out. And since you asked the question, and landed here, I wanted to make sure you get the answers you truly deserve.
Question: Is a wet willy sexual?
Answer: If you’re doing it right.
Question: Where can I find cheap Viagra?
Answer: Are you serious? I get hundreds of emails every week offering me Viagra, Cialis, and any number of other drugs meant to make things that no longer work, work quite well. I get offered diet drugs, sleeping pills, pain pills, and pills for conditions I’ve never even heard of. If you’re not getting those emails, you’re just not trying. Send me your email address. I’ll happily forward your name to every spam-generating website I can find. I’ll also happily forward all my spam mail.
Question: Is it ok to date your ex-boyfriend’s friend?
Answer: Yes. I give you permission. He was better looking and treated you much nicer than your ex. He also didn’t do those weird things with his toes. Besides, since you were already sleeping together, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Best of luck!
Question: My chest hurts when I breathe in smoke. What should I do?
Answer: Inhale deeply. Hold it. Release it. Repeat until the pain goes away. Cheetos will help.
Question: My drunk straight friend touched me. What do I do?
Answer: Invite him over for a beer. Take photos and send them to me for review. Await further instructions.
Question: Is it ok to wank with your cousin?
Answer: Of course it is. Incest: A game your whole family can play. Coming soon to stores by Pork Your Brothers. PS. Send photos and await further instructions.
Question: How do I write a reconciliation letter to my boyfriend?
Answer: Try, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I am an idiot. In fact, I actually went online trying to find a form letter to send to you. Forgive me.” If he falls for it, keep him. A stupid boyfriend is better than a sharp stick in the eye, which is what you truly deserve.
Question: Is everything in Kansas flat?
Answer: Nope. Just ask my cousin Marge. Though according to her daughter, her butt is both, wide and flat, like Kansas, everything north of the border is curvaceous, bodaceous, and definitely not flat.
Question: He flirted with me in front of his girlfriend. What now?
Answer: Obviously they are into three ways. You should totally make a move. I suggest a wet willy.
Question: What is the best way to get to Xel-Ha from Oklahoma City?
Answer: A plane, you fucking moron. Fly to Cancun then take the bus. Hopefully the driver will leave you there and you’ll have to walk back. Should be a great time.
Question: I smell rotten meat. What’s that a symptom of?
Answer: Poor hygiene. Turn off World of Warcraft and take a fucking shower and brush your teeth you fat slob. Oh, and check the compressor on your refrigerator.
Question: How do thermoses work?
Answer: Fairy magic. Definitely fairy magic. Only fairies and the Devil can keep hot things hot and cold things cold without electricity. And I don’t think the Devil would use pictures of Mork and Mindy or Rainbow Brite.
Question: What should I know about eating dinner at my boyfriend’s house?
Answer:
That does it for this edition of Ask Jester. Got a question?
