Last week we said goodbye to the screechy Lacey Brown, who shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Lilly should have been in the Top 12. And TwinklyBits should have left a space for Alex. But you all know that already, yes?
We’ve finally reached the point where the Pop Star Mentors come to impart their advice to the Idol hopefuls.
The very first mentorâ€¦ isâ€¦. Miley Fucking Cyrus?
Are you kidding me?
She can’t sing. She’s ugly. She’s probably a product of incest. She’s definitely a Disney whore who’s every move was carefully calculated and planned by some Public Relations guru.
Why does anyone think she’s a good mentor?
This night is just going to suck isn’t it? Waitâ€¦ don’t tell meâ€¦ I’m about to find out.
The theme tonight is #1 Hits on the Billboard Top 100.
Lee Dewyze has chosen “The Letter” by The Box Tops. This choice is actually a pretty timely pick since Alex Chilton (the lead singer who went on to head up Big Star) just died suddenly last week before a South By South West performance. Miley Fucking Cyrus had nothing to offer him. Seriously. Nothing. Lee does not seem to be comfortable on stage at all. Watch how he shrugs his shoulders and squats down trying to make himself smaller. As for the song, he’s trying to throw some of the Joe Cocker vibe into it, but he kept running out of steam at the end of ever phrase in the verses. He also missed the opportunity to hit some nice high notes and instead chose to keep singing the sam emontone pitch over and over again. The band was pretty hot, he was not. Randy thought he knocked it out of the box. Ellen called him her “favorite pen.” Kara said he had never sounded better or looked more comfortable. Simon thought it was cory and had no relevance to being a current artist.
Paige Miles picked “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. Miley Fucking Cyrus offered up a lame “Watch your pitch.” Brilliant! What insight into the life of a performer! Three notes into the song Paige’s pith is off. This is painfully bad. This must have been what it was like to watch the Hindenburg disasterâ€¦ you can’t do a damn thing about it but keep repeating “Oh, the humanity!” I can’t imagine anyone being worse than this tonight. It can’t get any worse, can it? It was a jumbled mess of sour notes, breathy whispers, ambitious runs that fell flat on their face and a sleepy arrangement. Awful. Randy couldn’t form a sentence and finally called it “honestly terrible.” Ellen congratulated her on not falling down in those heels. Kara thinks Paige stopped competing and called it the worst vocal of the season. Simon called it “all over the place” and thought she knew it on stage too.
Tim Urban chose “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen. Miley Fucking Cyrus offered him a hug and called him “great” before suggesting that he do something “cool and different.” *sigh* So I have to say I don’t think Tim has ever sounded better. His pitch was dead on. He had a Michael Buble-inspired arrangement and carried it off pretty confidently. Sure it was a little bit hokey to go out into the audience of reaching and clawing girls, but you have to admit he pulled off that slide across the floor without a hitch. I think it would be very wise of the other guys not to underestimate Tim. Randy thought the vocals were boring. Ellen compared it to a High School Musical audition that was corny (there’s another kind!?). Kara thought it was Zac Efron in Hairspray and reminded him that he hasn’t sold millions of records. Simon thought his stage antics smartly distracted from the song. He thought it was a pointless and silly choice.
Ryan just said that we’ll be hearing Aerosmith and Janis Joplin from Aaron and Crystal after the break. Is it wrong that I hope Crystal is doing the Aerosmith number?
Aaron Kelly aka TwinklyBits has laryngitis and tonsillitis. He’s singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. Miley Fucking Cyrus thought he was “really really good.” Honestly, I would never have known he had throat problems, since he sounded just as pitchy and boring as he normally does. UMB however thinks this is the first time he’s actually liked anything TwinklyBits has sung. I’m certain the judges are going to give this a glowing review, but I was really underwhelmed. Randy was excited that he came out and sang since the last two sucked. Ellen thought it was a perfect song choice and said he’s normally pitch perfect and tonight he was so good. Kara called it the best song choice of the night. Simon called it a “brave choice.” He said that Aaron is making himself seem old-fashioned and there’s zero chance that he’s going home tomorrow.
Crystal Bowersox is performing “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin. Miley Fucking Cyrus suggested she make it more “gospelly.” This was a brilliant performance. Of course we knew she’d do a Joplin song at some point. Kudos for not picking the most obvious choice. I might have actually gasped if she had picked something like “Mercedes Benz” but outside of the obviousness of a Janice song, she made it interesting. She came out soft in the verses and then kicked major ass on the nonsensical scatting that happens at the end. The arrangement was great and her voice was in fine form. I’m ready to declare Crystal the winner of this thing and get this god-forsaken season over with already. She’s the most talented of the bunch. Randy called her a star. Ellen loved the song choice but wants a little more connection with the audience. Kara felt more from her this performance and wants to see her not hide behind the guitar. Simon said, “Don’t change anything.” He thought Crystal’s version was as good as Pink’s.
Michael Lynche picked “When A Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge. Miley Fucking Cyrus fell in love with him and had nothing to say or critique him on. That’s so helpful! My problem with Michael is that he tries to sing too many damn notes. It is perfectly fine to hold a half or god forbid a whole note with out throwing a gospel run in it. I also wish he had a little bit of grit in his voice. He’s such a big guy he needs to have a little dirty ball soup going on. I want a growl! His performance was a perfectly pleasant smooth-jazz cover version of a great Motown hit. He’s got a nice voice but no stage presence. And no balls. Randy didn’t think it was the best song choice, but thought he sang it quite well. Ellen thought it was a safe choice but likes his tone. Kara thought it was really good technically, but it was boring and a bit lounge at time with too many riffs. Simon wishes it had just been Michael and a piano with out the rest of the band but the song choice was again not very relevant.
Andrew Garcia will be singing “Heard it Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye. He blew the lyrics and Miley Fucking Cyrus suggested he put the guitar down to connect with the audience better. Andrew has apparently gone to the School for the Incredibly Enunciated and graduated with high honors. This performance is stiff and staccato and uncomfortable. I. Heard. It. Through. The Grape. Vine. There was no soul, no oomph. He was frantically stumbling all over the stage and not looking at the audience. The arrangement was hokey. This was a terrible song choice and a terrible performance. It was still way better than the earlier Hindenburg, though. Randy said “It wasn’t good, dog.” Ellen did not think it was enough to get any fans on board and a terrible song choice. Kara thinks chasing the Straight Up moment is messing with his head and she pointed out how uncomfortable he was on stage. Simon thinks that the arrangement was horrific and he sucked the soul out of that song and ruined one of the great pop songs of all time.
Hey lookâ€¦ it’s a show about teenagers who can really singâ€¦ Glee, I mean.
Katie Stevens is going to murder “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. Miley Fucking Cyrus told her to “remember why you love music.” This song is really not a younger choice. This song makes Fergie sound 50 what on earth will it do to Katie? Ohmygodthisissoboringandoffpitch. The best part of the performance was watching Katie’s hair get stuck in her lipstick and her moment of panic to try to get it out without touching it. So yeah, yuck. Boring high school talent show performance by the third chair alto. That pretty much sums it up. Randy thought it was sharp and pitchy all over the place but likes that she tried to go younger. Ellen thought it was her best performance so far. Kara thought this was a perfect song choice and found her vibe but she’s still got “mad pitch issues.” Simon thought meeting Miley Fucking Cyrus was the best thing that could happen for Katie. It was a good performance, but she still doesn’t know who she should be as an artist.
Casey James picked “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News. Miley Fucking Cyrus told him to make eye contact with the audience. Seriously, that’s awesome advice from a worldly performer. ::eye roll:: This is my favorite performance from Casey of the season so far. It was fun, exciting, and perfectly suited for his voice. He made some cool melody changes. My criticism is that the arrangement was a bit clunky. It really should have gone to the bridge (the “they say that all in love is fair” part) instead of that second chorus getting stuck in there. I totally dig the John Mayer / Kenny Wayne Shepard / Jonny Lang vibe that he has nailed down perfectly. I think Casey will be the last guy standing with Crystal Bowersox. Randy didn’t like the song choice but thought he did it well. Ellen didn’t like the song choice either but called it the best vocal of the night. Kara thinks he’s ready to make an album and he’s in the zone. Simon thought it was old fashioned when it came out 20 years ago. He thought it was like listening to an 80′s cover band with no originality.
Those are some fighting words, Simon.
Didi Benami takes the stage next with “You’re No Good” by Linda Rondstadt. Miley Fucking Cyrus still gets nervous and thinks Didi shouldn’t “let it take over.” Really? You think it’s a bad idea to let the nerves take over, Miley!? I keep forgetting Didi is on the show, which really sucks because I really like her. She’s in that weird middle ground where she’s not god-awful so you remember her, and she’s not fantastic so you remember her. She really needs a “moment” on stage. Last week was *almost* a moment. This was not that moment. This totally had a Nouvelle Vague vibe to it, jazzy, lounge-y, and quirky. She’s riding a very fine line between Ã¼ber-cool and hokey. I honestly am not sure which side of the line this was tonight. Randy loved the idea of the performance but thought she was pitchy all over the place. Ellen didn’t get the song choice. Kara thought she was playing a character that left her confused. Simon thought it was ironic that she kept saying “You’re No Good.”
Siobhan Magnus is closing the show with “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder. Miley Fucking Cyrus wants her to “bring the swagger of your voice to the stage.” Is that even English? So lookâ€¦ Siobhan is this season’s Adam Lambert. You know, the contestant that seemingly beamed down from outer space and is here to entertain us with their alien whoops and hollers? Yeahâ€¦ That’s Siobhan. This was fun, youthful, exciting, and her voice is great. I don’t even mind it when her head flip-tops open and her liver screams. She had a great arrangement, made smart melodic choices, hit the notes with power and looked like a star. This was not nearly as cool as last week, but it is as consistently good. Randy called her “fearless” and thought it was great. Ellen wants to see more performances. Kara thinks she expresses herself really well on stage. Simon thought some will like it and a lot will not. He said everyone including Siobhan needs to push themselves more.
Okâ€¦ so here’s the ranking:
- Crystal Bowersox
- Siobhan Magnus
- Casey James
- Michael Lynche
- Tim Urban
- Aaron Kelly
- Didi Benami
- Lee Dewyze
- Katie Stevens
- Andrew Garcia
- Paige Miles
And we will hopefully say goodbye to Paige tomorrow night. Though you could cut any of the bottom 4 and it would mean nothing to me whatsoever. Don’t care. What do you think? Am I far off the mark? Is TwinklyBits better than I give him credit for?