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It was six in the morning. UMB Michael had been asleep for over three hours. Toby decided that he should really get home, and I needed to get at least a little bit of sleep before checking out of the hotel, heading to Tulsa and flying out.
We had talked non-stop all night, and could probably could have continued talking until we dropped. There was just so much to say. Ten years of silence will do that for you.
At one point he asked me how badly I talked about him to other people. I told him that I couldn’t really remember ever bad mouthing him. The worst thing I have ever said was, “My first boyfriend left me for Jesus. I had no idea that Jesus was better looking than me, or better in bed.” *
I sat there for a moment contemplating how to say the next point I wanted to make, but the moment disappeared and the conversation turned elsewhere, leaving my thought unfinished and unspoken.
I walked him to the elevator, and told him that if he ever needs anything, anything at all, that I hope he knows he can call me. He said, “You’re awfully far away.”
“Well, it’s not a very expensive or long flight to California, and I might not always be that far away.”
We hugged and I watched him get into the elevator. We stood there staring at each other for a long time. He had forgotten to push the button. He remembered, and I said goodbye as the doors closed. I sat down on the floor and cried for a few minutes. Right there in the in the vestibule at six in the morning.
I went back to the room, closed the shades, turned off the lights and stared into the dark for a few minutes.
The unfinished, unspoken thought popped back into my mind, so I jumped up and sent him a text message.
Before I forget, I think the reason that I never talked bad about you was because I never really fell out of love with you. I always have, probably always will. That doesn’t have to mean anything, just needed to tell you. I know you can’t respond (his phone doesn’t allow him to send text messages) so I won’t be offended by your silence. Talk to you later.
I haven’t talked to him since, though I know he’s lurking out there and has left a few comments (waves).
Several people have asked me what all this means in the context of my relationship with Michael. And I’m sure you, dear reader, are wondering the same.
Michael and I are fine. He knows everything, and actually enjoyed meeting Toby and hearing the stories. There are no secrets.** My past relationships have molded me into the person that I am today, and finding a new way to relate with someone who has always been a big part of my heart can only make me mature in a different way.
My philosophy in every relationship, whether with a friend, a lover, or business associate has always been that we make a conscious decision every day of our lives to continue or nurture a relationship. We decide every morning what mood we want to be in, and how we want to interact.
This morning I decided that my relationship with Michael is just fine. It’s not perfect, but what relationship is without its faults and problems? I’ll probably decide exactly the same thing tomorrow morning and the morning after, until some time in the future when that decision changes, if it does. Michael is free to make his decision every morning, too.
It’s probably a radical idea to most of you, but I find it comforting to know that Michael has decided every day to stick with me, and that I have decided to stay with him. I find it relaxing to know that I don’t have to try and plan the future out, because every day is a new choice.
It takes just a second, just two little words and one decision to get out of a relationship. The splitting up part is hard, but not nearly as hard as deciding and saying “It’s over.” I haven’t made that decision, and have no intention of doing so.
Unless I do.
* Well, he apparently had some KILLER abs.
** I’m writing all of this out on my blog for crying out loud.
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