Umm… the first thing that comes to mind is “Ow”.

And then… um..

Nope. Sorry. Can’t get past “ow”.

“I’d rather have a bottle in me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“Tomorrow, on Fox’s “America’s Next Top Bartender,” see Bruce and other rejects who aren’t going to make it to the next round!”

“I said to keep the bottle at room temperature, not bum temperature.”

“New from Boone’s Farm! Cherry Pit! Now in a box.”

No wonder this wine tastes like shit.

OR

No, I said a SHIP *IN* A BOTTLE …

Oh, I see it crowning. Just one big push …

Hey, does this dick make my vodka bottle look big?

Get a haircut pal!

I have to say that I will just have to agree with Miss Britt on this one and leave it at that.

Ooooh, look. Moon shine.

OK, I guess I’ll take my martini with two olives and a celery stick if that’s my only choice.

I will never ask to see the wine cellar again.

There has to be an easier way to give gifts to his Proctologist boyfriend.

That is such bad taste. Everyone knows you should serve red wine with your balls.

“i said put a cork in it, not the entire bottle”

(please tell me that was photoshopped or i will need to spend my entire paycheck on bleach trying to get that image outta my head…i mena really, wtf?)

“my lover went to myrtle beach and all I got was a wine bottle shoved up my ass”

Oh my gawd……
oh my gawd……….
OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!!

I vote, Branden wins!

Is that a wax job??

Miss Britt - Really? The first thing that came to my mind was “HOW!?”

Avitable - Something tells me Fox would have made sure this guy went through to the next round. This guy is the bartending Sanjaya Malakar!

Howard - There’s a reason I don’t like boxed wines.

Kevin - Welcome! Congrats! You’ve had a bouncing baby bottle!

Othurme - No, but it is doing something amazing for your ass!

Nick - Welcome! This guy should probably avoid scissors.

Marge - I think you and Miss Britt hold similar views in other areas, too. And that’s not as dirty as it sounds. Or is it?

Kevin - Moonshine! Love it.

Othurme - It could also be two cherries and a toothpick. You have options.

Killer - I don’t know, an aggressive zinfandel would pair nicely with schweddy balls.

hello - I don’t think that’s photoshopped. Let the screaming begin.

Branden - There’s an obvious joke here, but I’ll leave it alone.

Miss Britt - I think it’s a cork job.

Here are some of my submissions (hey, I get to play along, too, right?)

“So there I was on a stepladder in the ‘Wine and Spirits’ aisle when all of a sudden….”

“Now you know exactly which wine is appropriate to serve with dick cheese.”

and

Here you go, Wayne Cooper… definitive proof that the ass can indeed accommodate items as large as your pin head.

damnit! i missed out on all the fun. i got so busy ROFL that i couldn’t think of anything to add.

there are some priceless entries. totally priceless!

Danny - There’s still time… hit us with your best shots

damnit! i couldn’t go to sleep without throwing this one out there…”i really must thank the sommelier for this excellent recommendation.”

Danny - LOL. That was great!

i heard that 1972 called and wants that moustache back. seriously, what is he thinking? oh wait, i guess a man who can take a bottle like that doesn’t really spend his time thinking about shaving.

(so how fuckedup is it that i am looking at this and showing coworkers first thing in the morning?? nevermind, i know the answer…don’t reinforce it, please. xoxo)

speaking of coworkers, they submit the following:

“Hey, next round is on me”

or

“You should see what happens when I sit down on a bar stool”

oh the things that pop into my mind after a fresh night’s sleep…

“dave finally one-upped his sister’s ability to shoot ping pongs from her vagina. no one knew how competitive these siblings would turn out to be.”

“not familiar with american customs and colloquialisms, jean-luc, trying desperately to fit in with his napa valley counterparts in the wine business, took it quite literally when robert mondavi told him to, ’shove it up your ass!’ next time they meet, jean-luc plans on bringing somemone to translate.

hello - Ernest and Julio called and they want their bottle back. Your co-workers must love you. They are pretty funny, too.;)

Danny - Beware the flying wine bottle. I want to know why the cork is still in it….

thanks jester,

i’m kinda sick and twisted, but that’s the only way they want me around here. my goodie-two-shoe days are long ago and far away.

-I guess I need to get back to building this house. Where did I put my hammer?

-Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Danny - Sick and twisted means you fit in just fine here. >:)

Julie - ROFL. Let’s just hope he doesn’t jump up and down in an effort to extract both.

donnie respectfully, albeit late, submits the following:

“Stop wine-ing Tex, and take it like a man!”
and
“Master Vintner Tex Hanson shows off his unorthodox bottling method at Saturday’s wine tasting expo in Tulsa.”
and
“It’s a dry day. Uncork this mother fucker and let’s have a drink!”

so, jester, who won??!?!

okay, this is the last one. damnit, jester! i think you owe me for therapy. and speaking of…

jim always had problems showing his emotions. he kept them bottled up deep within himself. but his therapist warned him that he would finally have to deal with them eventually; that someday that bottle would manifest itself during some unlikey and uncomfortable situation.

little did jim know how right his therapist would be…

hello - LOL @ Donnie. I haven’t decided yet. I get tickled every time I read back through these.

Danny - heheheh. I can’t be held responsible for the trauma anyone has suffered from the viewing of that photo. I gave everyone fair warning.

you did. and now I am scarred for life.

“Having seen how the bottles are actually made, Gina finally understood why she simply does not care for wine.”

hey ginamonster,

i think this last entry of yours is the ‘bestesess’!
i’m still tearing up from laughinf so hard. i’m so LOL that i’m ROFL!

thank you.

OK, how about this one:
“In Australia, a man’s hairline recedes from the other end.”

Gina - I suppose you do have to develop a taste for stuff like that.

Danny - Just be careful not to roll too closely to your wine rack.

Julie - You have to turn the cork counter-clockwise, too.

“This was NOT what Delbert was expecting when he asked Connie to give him an idea as to what childbirth is like”

Gina - I can’t tell you how much I love the fact that you (and others) are still thinking up captions for this photo after 2 days. It is truly cracking me up.

I guess that since I’m at work that I’ll have to wait until I get home to read that one.

Toby - I think that’s a great idea.

Ok Wait…

“Now you know why I don’t drink Chanti!”

Is this seat taken?

I’m breathing FOR the wine…

I hope this won’t show up on the breathelizer…

Guess where the corkscrew is?

They’ll never find it in here…

I’ve fallen and it went up…

One bottle of wine up my ass, one bottle of wine…shit it out, pass it around, no more bottles of wine up my ass….

Really, we can shave our whole body, but somehow forget the mustache?

Gina - Chianti *does* taste like ass.

Toby - I think you owe me a new computer. Unless you’re good enough to suck the Dr. Pepper I sprayed everywhere out of my motherboard.

my favorite cousin would like to contribute:

“That’s it…no more tequila for Ramon.”

(toby, the “…pass it around, no more bottles…” comment slayed me. great job!)

hello - I like your favorite cousin.

Thank you, I’m not known for being creative, but I sure thought it was a good one. Have a safe holiday sweetie! And stay away from the wine!

Toby - It was good. And you don’t give yourself enough credit for creativity. Have a great holiday too… I’ll be drinking something fruity with an umbrella. Hold the ass.

Jester - And just how well is your memory for my sucking abilities? Guess not everything is forgotten with time….ROFL

So who won, and you should really make it a new page, so that everyone that commented/participated can see the remarks left after they themselves commented.

Toby - I’m going to just stop right there before I get myself into any further trouble. I’m gonna work on the contest winner today.

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