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Look, I’m happy about last November’s election. The Democrats took over Congress. No small feat, and it was definitely cause for celebration, in fact, I may still be hungover.
Then Nancy Pelosi made history by becoming the first female Speaker of the House. Fantastic. I’ve long held the belief that women should hold more positions of power, especially in politics. I’m happy that she has become that well respected.
The only two Democratic candidates for 2008 that seem to be getting any press are Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. A black man and a woman.
Let me see how to put this delicately…. WHAT THE FUCK!? The upcoming election that could swing the needle from being a gigantic nightmare to some where closer to mildly awful is being left in the hands of two people who I’m sorry to say are UNELECTABLE?
Don’t get me wrong… I would dance in the streets to see either of them elected, but I’m a realist, and I just don’t see the American public who re-elected that simian currently in office being ready to elect the first black or female president.
But just in case I’m wrong (please please let me be wrong), and the country is indeed ready for such a radical change, I’d like to throw my hat into the ring as an openly gay presidential candidate.
And I’m going to do something that is completely unheard of in today’s political climate, I’m going to tell you where I stand on the issues, in an easy to read manner. I would like to challenge my opponents to do the same thing. I have spent the last hour on Barack Obama’s website and I have NO idea what he stands for.
Here goes:
- Abortion. I have looked very carefully and have determined that I do not have a uterus, and therefore it is none of my business what those who possess one do with it. I would like to make adoption an easier process so that persons who wish to adopt have less bureaucracy to deal with, and in turn offer adoption as a more feasible alternative to abortion. However, I will not get into a religious debate over the “soul status” of a fetus.
- Iraq. Our being there is a mistake. Period. We have to get our troops out of there, their new government needs the opportunity to take over. Simplified? Yes. So what?
- Immigration. There’s been a bit of a debate happening over at Scott-O-Rama about this. I don’t believe we can even begin to address the issue until we figure out a way to secure our borders. This giant money sucking idea of a fence will not only not work, it’s a bit like trying to close the barn door after the horses are long gone. The short answer? We should help Mexico (and let’s not kid ourselves, everyone is upset about the Mexicans. I don’t hear any complaints about all the illegal Scottish immigrants drinking all our beer.) get a handle on the corruption that leaves their country impoverished and their citizens clamoring across our border. We should grant amnesty to those families who have been here for years contributing their labor, and taxes (yes, most pay taxes), without being able to take advantage of all the social programs that citizenship grants.
- Taxes. The current tax code is ridiculously complex, is biased towards the wealthy, and requires an accounting or law degree to understand it. Cry foul all you want, but I’m in favor of a flat tax. Everyone. Across the board. I don’t care if you make $15,000 or $400,000 per year. You owe 17%. BUT because I’m a nice guy, and I believe that the voice of the people has to be listened to more carefully (imagine that!), I’m going to let every single tax payer designate what programs 4% of their collected taxes are used to fund. Do you feel that defense is the most important thing? Great, put your tax money where your mouth is. You want to help fund welfare to work programs? Great, check this box.
- Health Care. Canada has us beaten to a pulp on this one. We should immediately adopt a national health care system like Canada’s. In fact, let’s ask them for help setting it up. I’m tired of HMO’s. I’m tired of substandard care for the poor. I’m tired of being a self-employed person who can not afford health insurance. It’s time to fix this very broken, money-grubbing system.
- Medicare. Talk about a broken system. We have to phase it out. Instead of paying into some big pot shared by everyone else, we should be setting up individual retirement accounts. You get back what you pay in. Corporations should be required to contribute to the retirement accounts of their employees.
- War on Drugs. Let’s just stop that shit right now. It’s not working. In fact, our actions have made things worse. The crime rate is soaring, our prisons are overflowing with non-violent drug offenders. Do you realize that in many states it is very possible to do more jail time for possession of narcotics than for manslaughter? Does that not seem wrong? Marijuana should immediately be classified the same as tobacco and alcohol. Hemp should once again be cultivated for clothing and paper. Let’s let doctors pass out ‘recreational dosages’ of other drugs. If they weren’t so hard to get and so illegal, they wouldn’t be so expensive, and there would be less property crimes and robberies for drug money.
- Oil Dependence. Hey guess what… we use too much oil. We take money out of energy research programs and put it into defending foreign oil sources. That makes no sense. Global warming is not fiction. We should be working as hard as humanly possible to find alternative sources of energy. We know solar power works. We know wind and hydroelectric power works. We know that eco-friendly fuels exist. What’s the hold up? Big businesses with too much money riding on the price of oil.
You know what I just realized? At the time of the 2008 election, I will only be 33 years old. That’s two years shy of the minimum required age. Crap.
Let’s get started now on the Jester For President 2012 campaign now.
I’m sure I have more opinions… what issues did I leave out?
