Now that I’ve given you a few tips to make sure your vacation to San Francisco goes smoothly, I’d like to give you a few tips to keep you from being beaten to death by people who actually live and work in the city everyday.

1. Remember that not everyone around you is on vacation. People actually live and work in San Francisco. All those buildings that you are staring up at and taking pictures of? Yeah. Those are apartment buildings and office buildings. There are people in there going about their everyday lives. These people don’t care about you and your week off from Fernley’s Fixtures in Cleveland. They do not want to stop on the sidewalk and give you directions. They do not want to wait for you to gather your six kids together for the photograph that you have asked them to take. It’s not that they are angry or mean people. In fact, San Franciscan’s are among the nicest people you will ever meet in a big city. The fact remains that they are busy people who are trying to get to and from work as quickly as possible.
2. Similarly, please keep in mind when you are taking advantage of the public transit systems that the trains and subway and buses are primarily meant for people who are just trying to get to work. Get out of their way. You have all day to get to Chinatown. The woman who is patiently waiting for you to move your fanny-pack-and-bermuda-shorts-wearing fat ass out of the bus doorway has to be in her office by 8:30 and she still has to stop at one of the five million Starbucks on the way. This goes for the historic San Francisco Cable Cars, too. Real people use them everyday to get where they need to go. Get out of their way.
3. You may remember how I mentioned that it is very expensive here… please don’t mention this to us. We know already. We pay rent and mortgages in the 2nd most expensive area of the country. You want to know how we can afford it? We work. Hard. And you are still in our fucking way.
4. There are a lot of homeless people in San Francisco. Yes we know. Yes, it’s awful. There is no need to complain loudly about it. Oh, and also, shut the fuck up. It’s not as easy as going out and “getting a job.” There are so many homeless people here because San Francisco actually has very lenient laws and successful rehabilitation programs for them to take advantage of. Most of the homeless are mentally or physically disabled and don’t need you picking on them. The rest are down on their luck and certainly don’t need you making them feel worse about themselves. They are not likely to bother you beyond asking for a handout. If you politely say no, almost every single one of them will say “God Bless You” and move along without argument.
5. As a matter of fact, it is YOU who does not know how to drive here. So what if we rarely use signals, double park, and take red lights as merely a suggestion to stop? You need to keep up or risk getting your ass ran over.
6. Yeah, we all know that the pedestrian has the right of way. IF he or she is in a designated crosswalk and walking with the light. If you walk against the light, or cross in the middle of a block, you WILL get hit. Probably by a Muni (bus). And you deserved it. Pay attention.
7. Here’s a biggie. San Francisco has a lot of gay people. A. Lot. Of. Gays. If you have a problem with homosexuality, or feel that you will be horribly offended by the sight of two men holding hands while walking down the street, I suggest you pick another vacation destination. Dollywood is nice this time of year.* The gays don’t just hang out in the Castro district, though that’s the area of town where you will find the gay porn stores, a majority of the gay bars and rainbow flags everywhere. Complaining, snickering, or preaching about it will likely get you into a world of trouble. You are a guest in our city. Wipe your feet and be on your best behavior.
8. San Franciscans have an unusual sense of style that is going to appear strange to you. You will see white women with dreadlocks. You will see Mexican guys with mohawks. At some point during your trip you will see a man in a dress. You will also see lots of tattoos, facial and body piercings, hair colors that don’t occur in nature, and lots of unusual clothing. We like vintage clothing out here, usually in layers (remember it gets cold here in the summer). It is not uncommon to see a girl wearing pink and white horizontally striped leggings under a miniskirt with a peasant blouse under a flannel v-neck vest and trench coat. You will see a lot of guys wearing dirty jeans and long sleeved tee shirts under a short sleeved tee shirt and blazer. They look smart, especially with their thick rimmed glasses and fedora hats. Don’t point and stare at us. You are the one wearing black knee-high socks with sandals and plaid bermuda shorts.
9. There are a lot of minorities in San Francisco. We don’t see this as a problem. As a matter of fact, we love this. The racial makeup of the city is quite diverse. Keep your racist, bigoted and unenlightened comments to yourself. We have a distinct lack of rednecks around and we’d like to keep it that way.
10. San Francisco is not really a “steak and potatoes” kind of place. Do not make fun of the way we eat. San Franciscans are healthier than people who live in other parts of the country. There are a lot of vegetarians and vegans here.** If you can think of an ethnicity or a country, chances are there is a restaurant near where you are that serves food from there. There are only a couple of steak houses. It will be easier for you to find a restaurant that serves beef tongue with cabbage, or a squid salad than it will be for you find a Big Mac. If you are not adventurous with food consider staying outside of the city in a suburb where you will find fast food and chain restaurants much more easily. Might I suggest Denver?

I’ve given you some tips on making your visit here go smoothly. Now I’ve given you some tips on staying on the city’s inhabitant’s good side. Lest you think that you shouldn’t come here for a visit, my next post is going to give you some tips on the places that you should really see while you’re here.

* Scratch Dollywood, there are plenty of gays there, too.

** There is a difference: Vegetarians don’t eat meat. Vegans don’t eat anything that comes from an animal, including milk and eggs, gelatin, etc.

Memorial Day is rapidly approaching, signaling the start of the tourist season in the San Francisco area.

Let me be among the first to welcome you to one of the most beautiful areas of the country. We have a lot to offer. Within 200 miles you can visit the rocky cliffs of the Pacific Ocean, the Redwood forest, Yosemite, the rolling hills of the Napa Valley, the beautiful Monterey Bay and Carmel. San Francisco is home to some of the best restaurants on earth. There are numerous theaters, a world-class symphony, hundreds of live music venues, nightclubs, and seemingly every weekend there is some special event or parade happening to entertain you.

That being said, I’d like to give everyone who is considering a trip out here a few pointers to make your vacation go as smoothly as possible. Some of these tips may even save your life.

1. It’s fucking cold in San Francisco. Yes, I know when you think of California you immediately picture Baywatch, the beach, bikinis, sunshine, surfers, and hot guys walking around half naked. Here’s the reality: the average high temperature in San Francisco during the summer is 70 degrees. Let me say that again, the HIGH temperature in the SUMMER is 70 degrees. That’s on a sunny day. If the day happens to be foggy, that temperature could be more like 56 or 57 degrees. You may recall that San Francisco is often called the “Fog City.” You will most likely experience the fog. Your flip flop sandals, board shorts and tank tops are a ridiculous choice to walk around town in. People who live in the city carry a jacket with them at all times. If you forget this, don’t worry, there are hundreds of vendors and crappy tourist shops near Pier 39, Fisherman’s Wharf, and Chinatown where you can buy $50 sweatshirts with signs on them that broadcast you are tourist.
2. It’s fucking hot outside of the city. Yes, I know I just told you to bring a jacket, but if you plan to leave the city, you have to know that the temperature rises basically 1 degree per mile. I’m not kidding. I live around 45 miles outside of the city. One day last summer I left the house to drive to the city. It was 104 degrees outside. When I arrived at the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, the temperature had dropped to a chilly 56 degrees. If you plan to leave the city to visit Napa, Sacramento, or other outlying areas you’ll want to dress appropriately. Daisy Dukes are not appropriate. Ever. I mean it.
3. You know that vacation budget you have set aside for your trip here? Double it. Everything here is expensive. As I mentioned, there are great restaurants here, they are not cheap. However, you will find that food is the least of your worries. You can expect to pay around $145/night for a moderately nice hotel room. If your tastes run more along the Hyatt, Omni, or the W you can expect to pay $300 or more.
4. If you plan to rent a car (and really you should consider NOT renting a car and using our fairly nice public transportation system) you should ask yourself if it will bother you to spend $20 every time you park your car. Not per day, every time. This means if you pull over thinking you’ll just walk around Fisherman’s Wharf for a couple of hours, before moving along to Haight/Ashbury you’re going to spend money to park both times. For all intents and purposes, there is no such thing as street parking. Dream on.
5. Sticking with the expense theme, let’s talk about gasoline prices. I bought gas today at the cheapest station in my town. I bought the cheapest gas. I paid $3.36 per gallon. I don’t live in the city. If you buy gas in San Francisco (providing you can find a gas station, I swear there are only three any where near downtown) you can expect to add a good $.25 more per gallon.
6. You know how you like to stare up at buildings, take pictures on every corner, and wear a fanny pack? Don’t do that. Besides the fact that you look ridiculous, you are just making yourself a target for scam artists and thieves. It’s a big city, and San Francisco has all the same problems with crime that any other big city has.

Stay tuned for my next post where I will give you some tips that will hopefully keep you from being beaten to death by one of the city’s fine residents.

* Despite the similarity in description, “tourist season” is not the same as say, “deer season” or “rabbit season.” I got some strange looks at the parks and recreation office when I asked.