Mar 17

Congratulations Internet!

You have once again come together in strength and solidarity and are providing a great service to the world.

In this era of unimaginable disasters in Haiti and Chile, when children are fighting over clean water, homes to live in and food to eat, you have answered the call!

In the middle of the worst financial crisis our country has seen in nearly 100 years, you have opened your hearts and your wallets.

When $10 can buy a mosquito net to prevent malaria, or condoms and other AIDS prevention can be made available to those in need, you have chosen to give, give, give!

In the face of 1 in 9 houses entering foreclosure, a 10% unemployment rate, and thousands of people dying every year in the US for lack of health care, you have done the impossible!

You have raised over $1400 in just a matter of days.

Since you’re in a giving mood, there’s this little piece of property I’d like buy in the Caribbean. I only need another 19 Million dollars to do it.

Or, you could try clicking on one of the links above and donating to an actually worthy cause. Donate on behalf of “Jared’s Motorcycle Fund.”

Feb 22

I Can’t Possibly

be the only person on the planet that wants to see the guys from J.G. Wentworth and die in a horrible fire only to be sent to some damning afterlife where their shitacularly hideous jingles play on an infinite loop at 180 decibels.


Dec 17

For Crying Out Loud

Oy Vey.

I realize this is going to stir up a bunch of shit, but I’m beyond the point of caring.

So, this guy Nick from Florida who has lived in San Francisco for the past two years threatened to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge last night via twitter:

Taking the 22 bus to the Golden aGate bridge. Too kill myself. Life isn’t worht living. Fuxk u all. Cya 10:45 PM Dec 15th from Tweetie

Alright I’m here…fuck u all…esp the one who knows it th emost. At the bridge..try and stop me now you asshole. Fuck u all for not caring 11:25 PM Dec 15th from HootSuite

Which prompted me to post this:

is it @nickstarr-suicide-from-golden-gate-bridge o’clock again already? 11:39 PM Dec 15th from Tweetie

Which some people seem to think was insensitive.

Right. Normally, I would agree. Normally, I would never think say such a thing.

However, anyone who has followed Nick for more than, say a month, know that makes these statements on a regular basis. Like, really regular. As in “I’ve lost count how many times this has happened.”

People who follow Nick or have heard about him have also, undoubtedly, heard the drama surrounding his “homelessness.” I put quotes around “homelessness” because Nick has voluntarily chosen to live on the streets in an effort to save money for elective cosmetic surgery. He hasn’t lost his job (surprisingly). He’s not like millions of Americans who are unemployed, or living below the poverty level. He’s not a discarded disable veteran. He’s not a victim of foreclosure. He’s not suffered some horrible string of events that has left him with no place to live. No, Nick has lost around 100 pounds and instead of being happy about his positive and healthy changes in his weight, he’s fixated on the extra skin that has been left behind. In other words, he wants a tummy tuck so badly that he has chosen to sleep in parks and on sidewalks, and begging for online donations.

And he hasn’t stopped whining about it since.

When u’re the edge of spending the night on the streets you would think a friend would show up to take u in. Alas apparenly I’m friendless. 8:50 PM Jul 31st from Tweetie

Please if you are going to ask me questions about why I’m homeless, what surgery I want, etc read this first 10:49 AM Aug 5th from HootSuite

Any friend who hasn’t bothered to ask how I’m doing nearly a month into being homeless, is NOT my friend any longer. I’m done with f(l)akes. 9:37 PM Aug 29th from twhirl

The heartless bastards at EdFund who garnished my wages for my student loans can’t/won’t deffer/lower my payments b/c I’m homeless 4:50 PM Sep 9th from HootSuite

inside a bar drinking & chatting it up w/ the staff, great. Finishing up and picking up my 20+lb backpack and remembering I’m homeless, bad. 7:22 PM Sep 18th from qTweeter

Holy shit. Wednesday is my 100th day living on the streets of San Francisco homeless in order to save for @NicksTuck. 8:31 PM Dec 7th from Tweetie

It’s cold and I’m being rained on, both literally and emotionally, in San Bruno. This is how I spend my 100th night homeless #WishIWasntBorn 2:45 AM Dec 10th from Tweetie

Crisis averted; I shook the mac until the screen turned on. Thinking about staying homeless an extra month to save up for a new computer now 1:48 PM Dec 11th from HootSuite

To all the people who said love should be easy..what about me? I’m effed up. How would someone love me? I’m homeless, body issues, depressed 5:47 PM Dec 11th from Seesmic

Did I forget to mention that this is not the first time he has made the conscious decision to be homeless?

But back to his suicide cries… I took a quick look through his twitter stream, back as far back as I could stand to go (not that far). Let’s look at just last week:

I feel like a gross fat ugly nasty mess tonight. Why would any guy ever want me? I wish I was never born. 7:12 PM Dec 13th from Tweetie

I am so drink. I want someone to kill me. Ikm at Badlands now. Twin peaks hotel rookm 48 later. Make it painleess. Kill me.Kill me. Kill me. 7:38 PM Dec 13th from Tweetie

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.Kill me.Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.Kill me.Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill 7:43 PM Dec 13th from Tweetie

The next day:

Maybe I drank too much last night…. 7:50 AM Dec 14th from web

Or how about last month, when he planned to starve himself to death to alleviate any “moral/religious” issues he has with suicide:

U people don’t get it; the starvation isn’t about weightloss, its about killing myself. Not drinking is b/c of what I lost last time I drank 7:16 PM Nov 14th from web

It seems there’s a pattern to his depressive episodes… it follows nights out when he’s been drinking heavily. He even acknowledges this, sort of:

Almost every single instance of depression has been while I’m drinking; and no guy has wanted to be my bf b/c I’m fat; so cut out the intake 4:58 PM Nov 11th from HootSuite

Not enough of a pattern for you? Let’s go back a bit further:

If someone wanted to kill me tonight…I’d be more than happy to accept your offer…Death is the only great adventure. I’m a fat loser 8:18 PM Jul 29th from Tweetie



If you want to know me then read this I will forever be that fat ugly loser in my head…I wish I was aborted 9:29 PM Jul 29th from Tweetie

I couldn’t bring myself to go any further, but had I wanted, I could have brought you to July 3rd, 2009 when he tweeted that he was headed to the Golden Gate Bridge to throw himself over the edge. He was stopped by the cops and hospitalized involuntarily for 24 hours. Or the time before that… or the time before that… OR back to his first Twitter suicide wolf cry that gave him a taste of positive attention, culminating in a newspaper articles written about him.

Alright I’m out Twitter…time to get a few more drinks and debate jumping from a bridge tonight, Sunshine Skyway Bridge here I come. 09:17 PM August 01, 2007 from web

Just paid the toll for the skyway bridge…should I stop at the top? What should I do with my car? I guess leave it there. 09:27 PM August 01, 2007 from web

alright this is it. Parked my car. I wish everyone who ever was nice to me well. See you in the next life – August 01, 2007

So when I say I’m skeptical about the seriousness of his latest threat, perhaps it’s not so hard to understand why.


And now we come back full circle to the most recent episode. Nick hasn’t been seen online since his last tweet. His facebook page is full of people from two camps, those who are new to his drama that are begging for people who know him to report if Nick is ok or not, and those who were/are encouraging him to jump.

I am not in either camp.

Matt, Jester, Justin, Nick Starr
Image by JesterNCal via Flickr

I’m seemingly in a hotel all by myself… someone who knows Nick personally, who has offered help and friendship and been turned down. I have many friends in common with him who have offered him help.

I understand that he is mentally ill, there really is no question about it. Anyone who voluntarily lives on the street and threatens suicide with every third cosmopolitan clearly has issues.

But I am also certain that he habitually and routinely abuses his facebook and twitter followers by manipulating them into providing him with some sick positive attention.

I wrote the following on the “fuck u all” Facebook posting:

Look… even if he actually managed to leap from the bridge, I’m reminded of the boy who cried wolf.

The fact of the matter is, Nick has repeatedly denied help. He doesn’t want therapy. He doesn’t want rehab. And until he does, no one will be able to help him.

He cries for sympathy for being homeless without realizing the ridiculousness of his situation. He *chose* to be homeless. So any whining about how cold it is, or how many bugs bite his face gets is a gigantic slap in the face to anyone who is, or ever has been homeless due to circumstances they couldn’t control.

He cries about never having a second date, when he regularly tweets about his dates DURING the date, as if the guy doesn’t have any idea how to use an iphone or computer, when in all likelihood they met on craigslist, adam 4 adam, or grindr.

He posts photos of his tricks without any mention of whether or not they gave him permission to do so. My guess is a majority had no idea that he did it. That doesn’t really make him a great candidate for a boyfriend.

He refuses to listen to anyone who tells him that this surgery isn’t going to magically make his life better… that until he learns to like himself and work on becoming a better person he will always struggle with these self-esteem issues.

He screams that he has no real friends, but fails to mention that what he really means is ‘friends that meet some special requirement.’ I personally have invited him to join my bf and I at various events in the city. He’s not turned up once, because they weren’t in the Castro with a gaggle of gay guys where he might get laid.

I’ve defended Nick in the past when he was (most likely) accused of things by people who didn’t even know him. I talked to him long before he came out. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was a fat kid who grew up and came out late (which I totally relate to) but after the 4th (or 12th? Who knows) suicide threat I realized that this is the only way he knows to get any positive attention.

He has done this so often that he manages to get featured in newspaper articles about the power of social networking in preventing suicides! This dates back to before he moved to San Francisco, even.

So while I do sincerely hope that Nick is ok. I’m incredibly disgusted that he continues to pull this bullshit and conning new people who don’t know his tricks into getting concerned and frantic over his antics.

And it’s true. I hope he’s ok. But when this turns out to be the latest hoax, I’m done.


“After a day in the hospital, and a day offline to myself today, I wanted to say that I am ok, but would like simply to be alone for a while. 9 minutes ago from HootSuite ”

So, there you go. As I suspected, he has once again totally played his audience and will do this again.

And if he ends up washing up on the shoreline in Richmond or Pacifica (two places where most of the numerous Golden Gate Bridge Jumpers end up) in a few days, all I can say is “rest in peace. What a waste.”

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Aug 18

Dear AT&T

AT&T Mobility LLC
Image via Wikipedia

In the past two weeks, I have spent more time on the phone or speaking in person with your employees than I have spent doing many other things that I find to be more enjoyable…

Such as:

  • Ingrown Toe Nail Surgery
  • Masturbating with #4 Sandpaper
  • Spit-Bathing my Dogs

First off, you advertise the UVERSE services all over the place, including pamphlets in the mail and delivery of door-hangers announcing the service’s availability at my home. Your website says my address is within the service area. Every tech (and there have been many now) that has been here has said there should be no real problems.

Why then a week later do I still have several hours a day when my television, phone, and internet all go down for several minutes to hours at a time?

Your tech’s are now saying that “squirrels have chewed the lines” between my house and the main box six blocks away.

As an interesting side note, I’ve lived in Fairfield off and on (mostly on) for the past 11 years and can not recall ever seeing a single squirrel. Not one. I didn’t know squirrels existed in Northern California until I saw them in Berkeley.

I’ve gotten myself out of bed six times before 8am to meet with your technicians who all tell me the same thing… “It should work just fine now. Give us a call if it doesn’t.”

I’m waiting for another tech to arrive in the morning.

Now why, you may ask yourself, would I put myself through this? Why not go back to Comcast Cable for your internet and television needs?

Because UVERSE is $98 per month cheaper than Comcast. I don’t know about you, but $1200 a year isn’t an insignificant amount of money. PLUS!? AT&T offered me $250 cash back for signing up and keeping the service for 30 days. So I’m now saving $1450 this first year.

So, the way I see it, you had better get this service that you advertise and promote to me working as expected or I’m going to cry “fraud” and “false advertising” and get my neighbors to jump on the same ship.

Oh! And while this isn’t related to the UVERSE service, let me also point out an idiotic bullshit move on the behalf of one of your other corporate identities….

I went to an AT&T Wireless store today with the intention of adding a new line to my business account and purchasing a new iPhone. My business has a shared minutes plan which would make the additional line only $40 per month.

I waited for the sales associate for over 45 minutes to get his act together and open the new line. He discovers that according to the computer in order to add this line I will need to place a $750 credit deposit down.

For a $40/month phone line.

I have had my business wireless account for over a year. In fact, the deposit that was required when I first set up the account was $250 (because it was a brand new company) was JUST sent back to me last week.

When the sales associate looked at the account, he noted that the reason was because the account had been paid late in the past… each time with a note stating that AT&T had failed to correctly set the account up for autopayment. I called every single month to make a payment and get the account on autopay. For the first 8 months of my contract, I’ve had to actually call someone on the phone to pay my bill because you couldn’t get your shit together.

And now you want to charge ME $750 for your reps inability to perform their job?

I don’t fucking think so.

Let me just tell you this, as much as I love my iPhone, I know for a fact that the Verizon store that is less than 30 feet from your AT&T Fairfield store will be happy to take my business. And they have some pretty cool Blackberry phones.

How about you get your shit together, fix my fucking UVERSE, let me open my third phone line to my business wireless account, and we’ll continue our fairly docile arrangement from here on out.

Otherwise, send me a check for $1450 and 2 of the top of the line Blackberry phones that I can set up with Verizon.

Don’t make me call you again.

PS – Send that hot UVERSE tech out next time. He at least gave me something else to think about.

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Jun 11

How Zabouts Some Bullets?

I can’t quite seem to find enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished that is on my list. Usually that also includes a blog post.

Some bullets of things that I have been meaning to write about or just happen to be on my mind….

  • Don’t let anyone tell you that launching a business is easy to do. Any one that tells you “It’s no big deal. You can do it in your spare time” deserves a swift punch to the crotch.
  • I can’t see ever working for someone else ever again. There’s a lot to be said about being the responsible party. The problem is there’s no one to complain to when your boss is being a total asshole.
  • On top of launching my own cruise travel agency, Cruise Avenue, (yes this is a total plug for my company… I NEED CUSTOMERS!) I am also doing all the social network marketing for another company, have a couple of freelance web design projects I’m working on, and it’s been a pretty busy period for Total Eclipse.
  • All of this work is making it incredibly difficult to keep up with the good TV that’s quickly making the “off season” my favorite… Weeds, Kathy Griffin, The Closer, Nurse Jackie, Deadliest Catch, Mythbusters, True Blood… they all have new episodes airing. Monday nights rock!
  • I’ve been spending way too much of my “free time” on Facebook lately. Between talking to some high school friends who I have missed terribly without even realizing it, and trying to catch up to Othurme’s score on Bejeweled Tournament (HOW does he keep scoring so high!?), I have just dedicated one of the tabs in Firefox to Facebook. Always.
  • My ex-boss decided to try and follow me on Twitter today. I haven’t worked for him in over 3 months, and he’s dragged me into a lawsuit against a different ex-employee. The problem is, every piece of evidence that I could possibly contribute to the lawsuit actually benefits the other party. In fact, I’ve already sent in my affidavit. To HER lawyer. How’s that for a little FUCK YOU?
  • I suspect he intends to try and make some trouble for my new company, Cruise Avenue, (like how I worked that back in there?) under some misguided notion that his poorly written non-compete agreement (which I never signed in the first place) would stand up to being enforceable despite his terminating me. (It won’t.) If he’s found this blog already, I just want to make sure he realizes that I’m about 5 seconds from calling the IRS and blowing the whistle on all the illegal activities and kickbacks he’s sending to his corporate clients. Let’s just call that one of the aces I’m keeping in my hip pocket.
  • As you can probably imagine, I’m pretty much in a state of mind that makes a vacation not only overdue, but a necessity. Luckily, I’ll be on the Carnival Elation this weekend going from San Diego to Ensenada and Catalina Island. I’ll be doing some training for Cruise Avenue’s new agents, but most of the trip will lots of sun, alcohol, and I might even splurge on a massage.
  • I hear there’s a big blogger party going on this weekend. Apparently my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. It’s ok, though. I’d much rather be on a ship. With strangers. With Swine Flu. And hemorrhoids.

So yeah, that’s what’s been on my mind lately. How are you all?

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Nov 12

Inside my ipod

What happens when a car meets iPod. The asshole apparently saw it in the parking lot where I accidently dropped it and ran it over on purpose.

If I had seen it happen I think I might be sending this from jail.

On a positive note, it’s not my iPhone.

Sep 25

Here’s a Thought

I don’t know where in the political spectrum my ideas on the economy put me. I don’t care really.

Here’s the deal: Asking taxpayers to bailout failing companies is ridiculous. Businesses should be allowed to fail. I don’t care if we’re talking about energy providers, airlines, or banks.

I have been the head of more than one company that has faltered, didn’t get off the ground, or has never materialized the way that I want, and I sure don’t see anyone standing in line to bail me out.

A business that is built on shoddy practices like “short-selling” and futures is bound to go down in a nasty flaming ball of poo.

Businesses that fail open the door to competition which lowers prices, introduces innovation, and bolster’s customer confidence and spending… which therefore jump starts the economy.

… An economy that isn’t backed by any tangible property or resource like gold or land, but is instead valued merely by the “reputation” and “confidence” in the US by other countries. The current administration (can we not call it that? Administration sort of connotes a leader…) has done nothing but destroy our reputation. Why is it such a surprise that the US dollar is soon going to be worth less than toilet paper?

Here’s my plan… First, make all the bank and finance CEO’s who have pocketed millions and millions of dollars over the past couple of years return that money to the companies to pay off the outrageous debts they owe.

Secondly, LET THEM FAIL. It’s about fucking time we have some equalization in the vast class discrepancy in this country. Why should we allow the government to spend 700 Billion dollars to maintain the status quo (which will fail again eventually!)?

Thirdly, and this is a big one… How about we take all of the unemployed people who need jobs to feed their families and put them to work on public projects, like roads, schools, bridges, levies, and urban renewal tasks? How about helping rebuild New Orleans and Galveston?

You may be thinking that this all sounds familiar. It should… it’s what happened after the Stock Market Crash of 1929. FDR instituted his “New Deal” (a chicken in every pot!) and built most of the public buildings and jails that are right now falling apart because there hasn’t been any funding to repair them. If we can find 700 Billion to bail out Wall Street fat cats, I say we can find half that to start putting things back together.

Of course no one in our government is interested in looking to the past for answers. You know that cliche’ “Those who don’t learn from the past are bound to repeat it?”


2008 is the new 1928. Where are my spats?

Sep 01

Call the Police

One of my “best” friends hasn’t called me in over 3 years, at least without getting a voice mail from me first. If we get together for lunch or go out together it is because I invited him.

Another friend calls me only when he’s having a major drama in his life and needs something from me.

I haven’t spoken to my oldest childhood friend in over a year. I know because I have intentionally stopped calling her, just to see how long it would take to hear from her.

An ex-band mate and “close” friend who now lives in Nashville was in town last week and didn’t bother to let me know. I found out because he updated his Myspace page to say “Home from my trip to California.”

I don’t want to come across as a whiny-assed bitch (I know, too late, right?), but what the fuck?

This is a constantly repeating pattern I find myself in… Friendships with people who can’t be bothered to do even the slightest bit of “maintenance.” And it’s not even that I require that much.

I’ve determined that I must really be just a complete asshole that no one really likes.

Either that, or there is a rash of hooligans that have gone around to all of my friends and broken their phone-dialing fingers…

In that case, please call the cops.

Mar 28

First Amendment 1, Wal-Mart 0

In case you missed it, there was quite a spectacular discussion on my post from the other day that included a youtube video by Phil DeFranco urging everyone to boycott Wal-Mart.

A local blogger who was a personal acquaintance of mine, completely shit the bed and accused me of “ignorance,” stating that it was “Sad when people criticize a company they know nothing about.”


He also complains that none of my Wal-Mart posts contain any source information or facts to back up my arguments. Never minding the fact that the post he was commenting on clearly contained a link to a CNN article about the poor woman that is being forced to hand over her $470,000 settlement to a company that makes 90 BILLION dollars every quarter.

In the ensuing ruckus, he managed to clearly imply that I am also a hypocrite for denouncing the WalMart* corporation, and then posting Friday Hotness photos which some how supports the porn industry which is just as evil.

*scratches head*

You can read the entire exchange on the original post, but it basically ended with this blogger IM Bombing** me with:

10:25 soundwavematthew: You know, Jester, I used to think you were a good guy. Now I see you’re a pompous, self-righteous asshole.
10:25 soundwavematthew disconnected

I really only mention this because another Wal-Mart article came across my feed reader today that gives me a smug sense of satisfaction, even if it is over a relatively small issue: copyright and trademark infringement.

From The Public Citizen(look there! Another link to a source!):


[Charles] Smith, a Conyers resident, created designs critical of Wal-Mart that merged Wal-Mart’s name with the word “holocaust” and a star, and arranged for, a California company, to put the design on T-shirts, hats, bumper stickers and other items for sale that he sold on the Internet. Smith reserved the domain name and arranged for his items to be sold on

In December 2005, Wal-Mart sent a letter and e-mail to Smith asserting ownership of trademarks in the name Wal-Mart, the star and the “smiley face” the company uses. The company threatened to sue Smith for infringing and diluting its trademarks and demanded he stop selling his items. Wal-Mart also demanded that Smith stop using the domain name “” and transfer it to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart made a similar threat to, which immediately stopped making and selling Smith’s items.

From Citizen Vox.Org (Oh lord! Another one!):

[Today] a federal judge told Wal-Mart that nobody in their right mind would buy their trademark infringement claims.

Political and social parody, like the type Charles Smith of Conyers, Ga. uses at his and sites, is a cherished tradition that goes back to the founding of this country. If Wal-Mart had won, think of the impact the ruling might have had on blogs, artists, photographers and writers who use parody to criticize companies.

In other words, big corporations do not have the power to suppress the free speech of citizens by attempting to stop the use of their “trademarks” in parody or critical works.

Which means CafePress needs to let me sell my Shitty Coffee tee shirts again.

Life is Too Short To Drink Shitty Coffee

* I realize that I switch between several variations of the name WalMart, some hyphenated, some not, some spaced, some not. That’s so ALL the possible combinations can be found by the Google, not because I’m mental.

** The IM Bomb is the online equivalent of slamming a door, or hanging up the phone before you give the other party the opportunity to respond. It’s high on my list of pet peeves, along with being patronized, having my intelligence questioned, or being called a hypocrite. Radio Matthew was batting 75%.