Jun 27

Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans

Jelly Belly Candy Company
Image via Wikipedia

Watching Avitable’s latest video, The One Where Adam Tries Not To Vomit, reminded me of a story.

A few years ago while working at the National Laboratory in Berkeley, there was a Materials Science Ph.D. in my division who was heavy into playing politics. He was the nicest guy if you were just shooting the shit about the weather or any other non-work-related topic, but the minute things turned to work he was a two faced lying scum bag who would sell you down the river if he thought it might make him look good.

So he discovered that I live in Fairfield, which is home to the Jelly Belly Jelly Bean Factory. It’s basically across the street from the Budweiser factory. There’s a great tour that you can go on to see how they are made and you always get free samples just for walking in.

One of the benefits to stopping by the factory is that you can buy bags of “Belly Flops” which are the jelly beans that don’t quite make the cut. They might be disfigured, stuck together, or sometimes they are flops because the logo didn’t print right on the bean. They taste exactly the same of course. The “flops” are usually between $1.25 and $2.50 per pound. By comparison, buying a bag of mix-your-own beans is $9.00 per pound.

At any rate, Dr. Asshole, asked me pick up a few bags of flops for him, you know, if I didn’t mind. I really didn’t the first time, especially since he hadn’t really come out as a total dickwad yet.

Then the requests came more and more frequently. He would ask me nearly every week to bring him another 4 pounds. I discovered that he was setting them out in a bowl on his conference table where he would invite some of his scumbag asshole compatriots in to basically do everything possible to make my life (and the lives of everyone on my team) completely miserable.

Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans

Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans

About this time Jelly Belly got the rights to market their special brand of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans from the Harry Potter stories.

Flavors included: booger, earwax, dirt, black pepper, earthworm, sardine, garlic, grass (my favorite), and vomit.

I picked up a box and took them home eager to try them for the novelty factor. Several friends sat around with me sampling the unique flavors that for the most part tasted just like you would expect them to. Sardine was pretty fucking vile even though I have been known to eat sardines from the can.

However, nothing prepared me for the experience of a vomit flavored jelly bean. It was as close to the flavor of the real thing as you could ever want to get. It immediately made my stomach rumble and the acidic taste was EXACTLY like that first watery-mouthed stomach bubble that precludes a technicolor yawn.

There are few things that I’ve put in my mouth that I immediately had to spit out. (TWSS) The vomit jelly bean elicited an immediate “GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH YOU FUCKING IDIOT” response.

I’m sure you know where this story is going.

As Dr. Asshole began waging his war on my team (trying to get rid of us) on the sly, I was still his bean-pusher.

I started mixing in the Every Flavor Beans with his now weekly delivery of sugary treats.

I always pulled the grass flavored ones out though.

At first, it went unnoticed. I could just picture the group sitting around the table popping jelly beans in their mouths a handful at a time, wondering why there was an unusual flavor every so often.

When I failed to get a good reaction, I started adding more and more boxes of the foul beans to the mix. I would giggle every time I saw one of the scumbags pop their heads in Dr. Asshole’s office to grab a handful on the go. I just know they would get back to their desk, gag on one of the beans and move on to one of their favorite flavors.

This went on for MONTHS.

Until one day the fire alarm went off and our building was evacuated. After weeks of expensive air quality tests, the addition of air purifiers and several meetings with the Health and Safety Division it was decided that there was some sort of “toxic substance” in our building that was making many of the division staff sick.

The symptoms?

Nausea, vomiting, and complaints of “unusual tastes in their mouths.”

I ended up with a new office far away from Dr. Asshole and never had to buy him another fucking bag of jelly beans.

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Jul 17

A Little Self-Examination

“If you feel pain, you’re pressing too hard.”

Really? No kidding?

In all seriousness, most men who are diagnosed with testicular cancer are under the age of 40. It’s vitally important to check yourself.

In fact, I feel so strongly about this, I’m planning to check myself hourly daily.

I’m also willing to sacrifice my time and medical expertise by performing this examination on others.

The line begins on the left. There’s no need to push, I’ll get to everyone.

 
Jul 01

I’m not here man.

This is the first time I think I’ve ever experienced an all-day hangover.

Pride was a rousing success.

I got to meet a blogger I’ve been reading for a long time, and he was delightful. Damn cute, too. I do believe he promised me some sexual favors if I take him on an upcoming vacation.

I’m gonna try to negotiate for a better rate.

At any rate, I’m exhausted, and I’m going to bed way earlier than normal.

But before I go, I’m gonna point you to my flickr page where you can see me in my (in)famous kilt.

You have been warned.

May 19

Dear,

Internet:

I’m sorry I have been neglecting you. The past two weeks have been incredibly busy, what with the new job, JesterCon, rehearsals, and gigs.

Blogging Friends:

I’m sorry that I haven’t commented or likely even read your blog in quite some time. I miss you, and hope to get back on track soon.

Google Feed Reader:

What’s the limit on the number of feeds you will hold onto before you explode and leave my computer gasping for breath in a pile of shattered keys and pieces of lcd sceen? You seem to be doing fine with 1927 unread feeds. Thank you. I hope you won’t be offended when I choose “mark all read.” I’m sure Perez Hilton will survive.

Mimi’s Cafe:

Please remove the salmonella salad from your menu. As much as I enjoyed the flavor and the wonderful mixture of balsamic vinegar, chicken, strawberries, walnuts, cranberries, and blue cheese, the 36 hours following my visit were, shall we say, less than pleasant.

Patrons of Maggie McGeary’s in San Francisco:

You all seemed to have a great time Saturday night when Total Eclipse played. Thank you for not really noticing that I was so sick I could barely stand upright for the whole show. (See the above letter.) I’ve been performing professionally for 17 years, and I have NEVER been on stage as sick as I was this weekend. Please come see us again next month at the bar next door, Grant And Green Saloon. I promise to not be in danger of hurling on stage.

Blog Talk Radio:

Fix my fucking time slot. You are totally screwing everyone who lives on the West Coast from being able to host their show at any reasonable hour that might allow someone on the east coast to participate. And get your fucking panties out of a wad over “adult content.” My show is fairly tame compared to other shows I’ve listened to even during prime time. In fact, I’ve heard a few shows that were downright offensive and racist and or homophobic, but I don’t seem them getting sanctioned. It’s nearly impossible for me to increase the number of my listeners when I have to exclude most of the rest of the country.

Creditors:

Yeah, yeah. I know. Stand in line. I will be getting a regular paycheck now and you’ll all get to bleed me dry soon enough. Until then, only one call per day is necessary, thanks.

Internet Explorer:

Fuck off and die. You make my blog look like shit. You make my life miserable. There are such things known as “standards.” Quit being a desperate 41 year old toothless fat chick with a scat fetish and get some, would you?

Website Clients:

I’ve not forgotten you, I swear. I’ve just been a little busy.

Sincerely,

Jester

May 16

Friday Hotness

This week’s Hotness brought to you by next week’s guest on The Jester Show, Winterheart! How’d she do?

May 03

TequilaCon 08 LIVE

I just got off a couple of phone calls with some TequilaCon 2008 folks.

First is the call with Miss Britt while she was outside “Making Out” with other bloggers:

[audio:britttqc08.mp3]

Next up is a brief call with Avitable:

[audio:adamqc08.mp3]

And then Hellohahanarf called to say hi, and passed me around to Dave from Blogography and Hilly:

[audio:hellotqc08.mp3]

She’s promised to call back later when she’s good and drunk. You can be sure I’ll post that call!

Apr 30

The Jester Show April 30, 2008

Wednesdays at 7pm PTWell it finally happened… I hosted a show and my co-host didn’t show up. I sincerely hope Hellohahanarf is well, because I haven’t heard from her yet.

At any rate, Hilly, Karl, Shiny, Lee, Absurdist, and Winterheart bailed me out and called in.

We discussed a lot of topics, including whether or not you can sleep with a friend and keep your relationship, TequilaCon, Bacon!, The Jester Gathering happening on May 10th, and I cornered a couple of them into answering the question “Which bloggers would you do?”

It was a fun show that you should really listen through all the way to the end, because if you skip out before it’s over, you’ll miss Hilly saying:

[audio:SnackieCry.mp3]

http://www.jestertunes.com/audio/SnackieCry.mp3 – (For your records)

I believe you all now have a new ringtone to load onto your phone for TequilaCon.

You’re welcome.

There will be no Jester Show next week, as I’m going to be at a concert.

The show will resume on May 14th with Tracy (TSM_Oregon) at the NEW TIME of 9PM!

Fucking BTR and their stupid fucking rules.

Apr 28

My Weekend

Outside of the craziness that was the BTR circuit on Sunday, I had a very eventful weekend.

Othurme has written a post that sums it up pretty well.

The only thing he left out was the fact that I am hobbling around like an 80 year old man because I really REALLY got into our performance in San Francisco.

Apr 16

Shiny’s Got Some ‘splainin to Do

Lee and I went to our favorite Kosher Deli on Monday for lunch.

We ran across these wonderful gems at the front door.

I totally should have bought them to examine all the contents in detail.

Happy Passover, kids… here’s some plastic locusts and lice.

And I thought a gift of underwear and socks sucked.