I’m really tired of keeping my mouth shut. I’ve been watching, horrified, for months while people continue to redefine the term “inappropriate.”
I hate hypocrites.
I loathe arrogance.
I despise people who abuse the trust and insult the intelligence of their readers and friends.
So with that, I present to you the things I’ve learned in a very small dysfunctional corner of the internet:
- It’s perfectly justifiable to ask your sycophants to contribute to your anniversary fund to buy your husband a motorcycle when unemployment is at record highs, your friends are having their homes foreclosed on, are being laid off from their jobs or struggling with health problems almost sure to bankrupt them.
- No one will notice this request for money is on a blog full of stories about how much money you make as a super busy writer, how much you spend on your hair, shoes, and trips because you’re just so darn cute and likable!
- It’s perfectly ok to repeatedly and publicly write stories that paint your spouse in a negative light… stories that make all your fans cluck their tongues and commiserate with you for having to run your household with no help whatsoever, with having to deal with mountains of insensitive slights against you while you play the role of the helpless and innocent damsel in distress.
- It’s acceptable to peer down your nose and cast judgment on friends who have had an extra-marital affair, even when you are yourself guilty of having an extra-marital affair.
- It’s “good friendship” to constantly remind your friends of their past mistakes.
- Refusing to stop seeing the man you cheated with because he is your “best friend” and boss, despite how hurt and angry it makes your husband, is normal and acceptable behavior.
- Posting photos of your husband with his arm around the man you are cheating with and labeling it “My Boys” is the new funniest thing ever!
- It’s ok to make everything about yourself, even your family’s bad choices.
- There are no repercussions for questioning the sincerity of all the friends and strangers who offer you prayers and well wishes.
- There are, however, repercussions for directly commenting on how shitty questioning that sincerity really is – you get twitter dumped and facebook unfriended.
- High school rules never go away – you can’t be friends with me because you’re friends with him, and I don’t like him, so you must not like him, or I won’t like you. Or something like that.
- The best way to control your friends is by hiring them and being responsible for their livelihoods. They won’t disagree with you, they’ll keep your secrets, and they will put up with incredibly inappropriate behavior because they are dependent on your money.
- Putting other people down and reminding them of their flaws at every opportunity hides how really insecure and immature you are.
- Your self worth should be tied to your fancy college degree, or lack thereof.
- Artists and musicians contribute nothing to society, or at least much less than a law degree, whether or not the holder of the law degree actually practices law or uses it in anyway.
- There’s no reason to think that commenting on every post your girlfriend makes might make her husband feel bad.
- You should always express your deepest and most private feelings for your married girlfriend via whimsical stories of dragons and princesses, because your readers are far too stupid to ever figure out what you are really talking about.
- Allowing the people around you to rise above their emotional hurdles and improve their lives is ill-advised because it exposes your own weaknesses and faults.
- Being kind of a big deal on the internet excuses even the most reprehensible behavior. So does italics.
- Sometimes, all you need is a dildo with a suction cup attachment and some hand sanitizer to make it all better.
The fact that I ever hung out in that corner of the world wide web makes me feel unclean.
The fact that people will still continue to ooh and aah and heap praise on them makes me sad.
The fact that people will come here and insult me for posting this amuses me, if only because defending the indefensible is normally humorous.
Why is it my business? Because my friends have been forced to defend their friendship with me, as if *I* am the immoral asshole in this equation.
That and I’m already being accused of gossiping. I’d rather be hated for what I’ve done, rather than what people assume I have done.