Lisa: I’d just go on hotels.com and browse. If you want to run neighborhoods past me, let me know.

Jester: it’s a guy I dated 11 years ago. He was HOT HOT HOT. Looked like Val Kilmer.

Lisa: ooh nice

Jester: yeah. back in the day when I could date a model

Lisa: oh shut up

Jester: lol. i still some how managed to get a guy way above my league. so it’s all good

Lisa: you’re ridic.

Jester: Ha!

Lisa: oh did you see Kristy’s invite?

Jester: yes. we’re going to try to go.

Lisa: yay!

Jester: should be fun.

Lisa: def.

Jester: i love that you’re speaking in abbreviations today.

Lisa: ha…I usually love to abbreviate. but depends on my mood

Jester: “I’m in an abbreviation mood.”

Lisa: ha! yes

Jester: “You know what I’m in the mood for? That’s right, abbreviation!”

Lisa: HA

Jester: “Come over tonight for some wine and abbreviation…”

Lisa: goes great with a nice pinot

Jester: What do you want for dinner tonight, honey? “Oh, I don’t know… Abbreviation?”

Lisa: ha. you’re just full of em

Jester: Ever wonder why the word “abbreviation” is so long?

Lisa: hilarious. and a great point

Jester: If only I could do a real job as well as I come up with stupid pithy statements.

Lisa: I’m sure there’s some sort of job that will accommodate that skill.

Jester: Professional Smartass?

Don’t forget to tune in to The Jester Show tonight at 9:30pm PST. Call in and enjoy the fun!

View the original post at: Jestertunes

An Abbreviated Mood

I’m including the text of the email as well:

Hey Jester, I know that you and the others were not expecting this surprise, but here I am! Please ask all of the Ladies such as Britt and Gina not to get too excited because there is enough for the both of them I will assure you. Remember, I am The Thing!

The Doctor–a.k.a. Michael Vaporis

I’m not a porn aficionado, so I’m awarding 20 points to anyone who can put a real name with this face. I’m guessing Lee will know.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

The Doctor Sent a Photo

Lee: Well of course! Now I get it! wait… what?!

Words that need the following definitions for this to work
• Space - water
• Mass - existence
• humans - space ghosts!

Sly: Spaces ghosts—HAHAHAHAHA.

Lee: Originally, I had written space goats…. but I thought, hell, if there are goats in space, I think I would consider them animals. But then we might have new classification for space traveling ruminants.

Sly: The real question is whether or not these space goats have the ability to swim, since space is filled with water. And if they do, did they EVOLVE from regular land-living ruminants?

Lee:

1. of course space goats can swim! they would have died out from living in space if they couldn’t swim in space!
2. Even if space goats did evolve from land goats, I would call them something else like birds and dinosaurs. Or maybe I would just call them non-terrestrial ruminants.

I think this conversation might be blog worthy

Sly: I would agree.

I might posit that similar to dinosaurs/bats, terrestrial goats are actually either

1. Agents of Satan sent to distract us from the true manifestations of god’s plan for the water based universe
2. Atheist/Scientist tricks implanted like dino bones to trick us into accepting evolution

Either way, they are evil and this is why it is pleasing to god to sacrifice them as often as you can.

Lee: DEATH TO SPACE GOATS!!!

Sly: OMG YOU BLASPHEMING ATHEIST!!! DEATH TO EARTH GOATS MORE LIKE. MAY YOU BE SMOTE DOWN BY RIGHTEOUS LIGHTENING.

I made this for you:

View the original post at: Jestertunes

Death To Space Goats!

Jester: are you kidding… if I could sleep with the A List celebrity of my choice, I’d tape it myself.

TopNCal: Exactly I would want everyone to know

Jester: which celebrity would you pick?

TopNCal: hmmm… I think I would still pick Ryan Phillipe

Jester: hmm

TopNCal: There are so many good choices though

Jester: Would you call Ryan Reynolds A-List?

TopNCal: i think now he is. Yeah and he would be an awesome choice

Jester: Though if I could do it without puking, a sex tape with Tom Cruise would make me a millionaire.

TopNCal: yes it would

Jester: Of course there’s also Leo and Johnny Depp to consider.

TopNCal: Though I think maybe I would take Justin Timberlake… he is fucking hot

Jester: Yeah, JT is also a good choice. This question is too hard.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

Sex Tape?

Some people have stated such amazing points of view as “Children should be seen and not heard.” And kids “have no constitutional rights.”

There are several people who maintain that “Bob” the transgendered kid is at least partly responsible for his own senseless slaying. Apparently he should have known better than be himself and put himself in the position to be murdered.

The conversation has continued on my blog, too. The ever fabulous Lee needed some clarification about what constitutes a “hate crime” and why it’s important to differentiate a racially or sexually oriented - motivated crime. Here was his question:

So let’s say I’m a real asshole (I know, real stretch right) and I decided I’m going to get really drunk one night (again, way off base I know) and go down to the local bar and beat to death the man that’s been banging my girlfriend while I’m at work with a pool stick cause I hate him soooo much.

OR

I’m a real asshole that hates fags and I get drunk and go down to the bar and beat to death the gay guy that I know.

Same injuries, same cause of death…both cases I left the house intending to kill someone because I hate them

Which of these is a hate crime? Why not both?

You can follow along with the answers on the original post, but it prompted the following conversation between me and Othurme:

Othurme: I had a hard time grasping Lee typing the phrase….”So, if some guy is fucking my girlfriend….”

Jester: oh no shit. i emailed him about that

Othurme: I almost commented on it…but I don’t know him well enough

Jester: he’d take it well

Othurme: He’s not exactly type of gay guy that wears a question mark on his T shirt.

Jester: that’s an understatement

Othurme: It’s more of an exclamation point

Jester: hahahahah. Rainbow striped!

Othurme: With bows

Jester: and glitter! … i think i can picture my next cafepress tee shirt.

Othurme: The exclamation point?

Jester: yeah

Othurme: It’s brilliant. But I get half the proceeds

Jester: You got a deal.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

Exclamation Point

Jester: so i got word back. they hooked us up with two rooms in an 1800’s hotel across the street from town hall.
Lisa: for free?
Jester: yep
Lisa: nice
Jester: i’ve always wanted to stay in one of these old hotels
Lisa: what’s it called?
Jester: no idea. It’s THE Hotel.
Lisa: is it going to be like old times…will there be a bedpan and a vase filled with water?
Jester: Hopefully they didn’t get those two items reversed.

[snip]

Jester: hotelleger.com i think that’s it
Lisa: cool…looks historical
Jester: it looks lovely
Lisa: it does.
Jester: and just look at their awards! Best local night spot • Best place to dance • Best place to hear live music • Best pick-up spot • Best place to shoot pool • Best mixed drink concoction • Best website —
Lisa: is it perhaps because it is the only one of all those things?
Jester: That would be my guess
Lisa: so funny
Jester: there’s a band playing there the same night we’re across the street called the Motss Brothers
Lisa: what do they play?
Jester: Don’t know.. but wayyyyyy back in the early days of the internet (before your time!) the only way gay people could find each other on mailing lists was too look for the word “motss”
Lisa: HA
Jester: it meant Members of the same sex.
Lisa: that is funny
Jester: hysterical really
Lisa: you think they knew that?
Jester: i’ll have to sneak over and check them out I don’t know.. I sure don’t think anyone has the last name Motss
Lisa: funny

[snip]

Jester: Check this out: Please do be aware you are staying in an Historic Inn - our walls are thin, the street noise will effect rooms located street side and we are without TVs and Phones in upstairs rooms- hopefully you are here to step back in time and enjoy what we are and have to offer.
Lisa: oh lord
Jester: hahaha
Lisa: no loud sexy time that’s for sure
Jester: LOL that won’t stop UMB… I mean… umm…
Lisa: HAAAA
Jester: Speaking of sexxxxy time. did you see the john mayer photos?
Lisa: HA…YES. of him in the Borat suit?
Jester: yes

[then simultaneously]

Lisa: is it wrong that I was VERY attracted to him still?
Jester: and is it wrong that i thought he was HOT in it?

Lisa: HA
Jester: ROFL
Lisa: oy…we have the same brain
Jester: you’re scaring me

View the original post at: Jestertunes

Sexy Time

I waited for him to finish his walk of the neighborhood and drive up directly in front of the house before I stepped out into the bitter 56 degree cold air.

He handed me the two packages and the receipt and said, “What’s with the makeover?” He nodded to indicate my hair.

“Oh, I bleached it out several months ago. I change it all the time.”

“Hmm. I thought you were the straight one in the house.”

I was a bit taken aback by the comment, I mean, really, I never planned to discuss the details of my love life with my postman.

I managed to stammer out an “Ummm… nope.”

He chuckled and said, “I knew the other guy in the house was gay.”

“Yeah, we’ve been together almost six years.”

“Really? I would have sworn you were married to the lady,” meaning Celeste.

“No, she’s my aunt.”

“You know there are several other gay people on this street, right?”

“I know there’s a guy who lives on Elm around the corner…”

He interrupted, “There’s a gay couple in that house right there,” he pointed down the street and continued, “plus there’s another couple over on Elm.”

“Yeah, I knew about them, but where’s the other couple?”

“That house right there, on the corner.” He pointed at the house two doors down.

“Really? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone going in or out of that house.”

“Yeah, they are really neat couple.”

There was a bit of an awkward pause, and I remember thinking, ‘I wonder if all postal employees know this much or talk this much about the people on their route…’

He broke the silence with a laugh and said, “Well that’s just great! All these gay people on the same street and a gay mailman! We should have a party!”

You know there are a few times in your life when you think of exactly the right thing to say at exactly the right time, this was one of those times… I quickly responded, “Well, I guess if we ever do have a party, you’ll be the first to know!”

View the original post at: Jestertunes

A Conversation with My Mailman

Jester: : i think this energy drink may have been a bad idea
Lisa: : why?
Jester: : i just realized that my legs are vibrating
Lisa: : wow. That’s intense. I could use some of that though.
Jester: : well, 16 oz of Full Throttle Blue Demon is doing it for me
Lisa: : HA what a name!!!
Jester: : i think for you that would be enough to send you into orbit
Lisa: : yeah, I think maybe. I used to be a big fan of vodka redbulls but that messed me up
Jester: : do you remember when Emi [ex-drummer for Total Eclipse] wanted to name our band Full Throttle?
Lisa: : do I ever! that was HILARIOUS
Jester: : on a completely unrelated note, I am totally in love with Ray Charles’ version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow

[See post on my domain to listen to audio]

Lisa: : ha. that WAS unrelated! um, don’t know it, but I love ray
Jester: : it just might be my favorite version aside from Judy’s.
Lisa: : not katherine mctitties?
Jester: : rofl
Lisa: : or tits mcghee as I also call her
Jester: : i didn’t think hers was nearly as good as oh god what was her name… black chick same season as clay and ruben….i can totally picture her face. love her voice. own both her albums…[Kimberley Locke]
Lisa: : she only had that one hit song
Jester: : seriously I feel like I just did a line of crank.
Lisa: : HA! you’re cracking me up. p.s. do you know that for the longest time I thought rofl was like people trying to type the sound of them laughing.
Jester: : HA
Lisa: : yeah. I mean, I’m so not down with the lingo
Jester: : who do you know laughs “rawful”?
Lisa: : well, I thought it was more like guffaw. like, a really weird laugh/snort
Jester: : that everyone just sort of knew?
Lisa: : honestly, I couldnt figure it out. I didn’t say it made sense
Jester: : I knew there was a bit of the blonde in there
Lisa: : oh yes, I have my moments for sure
Jester: : you just can’t get that from a bottle
Lisa: : like the other day when I was surprised you could drive to Alaska.
Jester: : …
Lisa: : I don’t know where I thought it was or why you couldn’t drive there!
Jester: : …
Lisa: : I mean, I know where it is. but thought maybe there was some sort of arctic tundra in the way
Jester: : there’s a penguin on the side of the road with a road flare and a stop sign?
Lisa: : the south africa. such as.
Lisa: : huh?

[beat]

Lisa: : oh, HA
Jester: : ROFL
Lisa: : yes…see, again? I thought you were starting a joke. I think I just need a Full Throttle
Jester: : no shit. i shouldn’t be the only one who’s high
Lisa: : you’re like a pusher. don’t bring me down man.
Jester: : I’ve got them taped inside my trenchcoat… hey buddy, wanna buy a energy drink?
Lisa: : all the kids are drinking them
Jester: : my pager going off at all hours. “Dude you gotta hook me up! I’m coming down man!”
Lisa: : hilarious. What does make them so insane? Is it just NUTTY amounts of caffine?
Jester: : I can’t really focus well enough to read the can. I think it’s guanine, caffeine, taurine, ginseng
Lisa: : HA. heroin. speed.
Jester: : with a meth chaser
Lisa: : sounds nutritious AND delicious
Jester: : All wrapped up in a convenient high fructose corn syrup delivery system… ooh… hey… there’s vitamins A and C here too
Lisa: : mmm, and good for you! I’m sure that cancels out all the bad shit. isn’t that how it works?
Jester: : I think it works by making you physically unable to sit still. I may have to run all the way into San Francisco tonight.
Lisa: : wow. now THAT is a workout. I bet you’d get there faster than being in a car
Jester: : should be fun dodging traffic on the bay bridge
Lisa: : you’re really minimizing your carbon footprint though. you should get extra points at work for that, no?
Jester: : that’s true. Especially if I recycle the can
Lisa: : you’re basically al gore
Jester: : I AM basically Al Gore.
Lisa: : shhh…there’s a whale that needs help.
Jester: : Where’s MY peace prize?

[Later]

Lisa: : are you trying to smoke the full throttle off of a piece of tin foil right now?
Jester: : i’ve cut the can open and I’m licking the sharp edges
Lisa: : ha. oy. that sounds dangerous.
Jester: : Totally worth it.
Lisa: : do we need an intervention? I can put our name in for the show on A&E
Jester: : WE don’t need an intervention. YOU may need an Intervention, but I don’t have a problem. I can quit anytime. I seriously don’t think you could get that one over on me…
Lisa: : HA. do you ever watch that show? I totally love it.
Jester: : i mean… how many people out there would fall for that whole “we’re filming a documentary about addiction”
Lisa: : I KNOW that’s what I wonder… I mean really but it sounds like these people don’t really watch the show
Jester: : I watch that show all the time and sit there feeling sad that I don’t have an addiction so I could get shipped off to some rehab for a few months and not have to worry about anything other than getting my shit together.
Lisa: : they’re too busy doing meth or coke or crack or boozing or throwing up their dinner.
Jester: : I’m actually jealous that I have to try to get my shit together while in my own house.
Lisa: : Yeah rehab kinda doesn’t look that bad.
Jester: : I’ll bet they would let me keep drinking the Full Throttle in rehab.since i don’t have a problem.
Lisa: : no, in Full Throttle Rehab all you can drink is sleepytime tea with honey
Jester: : so Full Throttle Rehab is Hell?
Lisa: : HA! actually, it’s most evenings for me. wow…that’s sad
Jester: : Sleepytime Tea. Seriously, it sounds like a kid’s story.
Lisa: : it’s delicious
Jester: : I’m not going to lie to you. That is sad.
Lisa: : well, yeah. that’s what it has come to. I’m watching shot at love with tila tequilla on the couch with the dog drinking tea.
Jester: : You could at least trade in the sleepytime tea for a bottle of wine. Or mouthwash. Wait…the dog drinks tea?
Lisa: : ha. no. he wishes. cause it’s so delicious.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

Full Throttle Ahead To Alaska?