So I was at a mall in Sacramento today working a bridal show as part of my job in Marketing of a travel agency. (You do all know I can sell travel now, right?)

After hours of talking to bride-to-be’s, mall shoppers, people of questionable mental faculties, and meth heads (sometimes this proved to be all the same person), a frail old man made his way to my booth.

UMB called him into the booth to check out the free cruise that we are giving away.

He wasn’t interested in signing up for the drawing. He sort of waved me off, and said in a quite voice, “I don’t need to win a cruise.”

I asked him if he had been on a cruise before. “Yes,” he replied.

“Where did you go?” I asked.

“Alaska.”

“Do you remember what cruise line you went on?” It seemed to be a reasonable question…

“Of course I do.” He said.

I was getting a bit frustrated at my inability to really engage him in my little sales pitch.

I made my last stab at it. “Did you have a good time on the Alaska Cruise?”

He responded, “Well, they didn’t set me on fire.”

What a life that guy must live.

Othurme’s dogs seem to have had their first encounter with a skunk tonight. We now join this conversation in progress:

Othurme: I just bought $500 worth of hydrogen peroxide and baking soda

Jester: have you even started the bathing?

Othurme: I’ve washed both of them twice now

Jester: any improvement?

Othurme: I can’t tell. the house still smells like sweaty rhino balls

Jester: That’s why you’re not allowed back at the zoo.

Othurme: That wasn’t nearly the worst thing I did there either

[later]

Othurme: It’s everywhere. The garage is horrible.

Jester: so uh yeah… i think i’ll be on the other side of the stage from you tomorrow.

Othurme: I will smell like the waft a 3000 flowers. I will be soaked a mixture of baking soda and tulip scented air freshener

Jester: awesome

Othurme: You will get to smell it tomorrow, because the dogs are coming with… My eyes are watering

Jester: oh geez

Othurme: The front windows are all wide open, a fan is blowing, there are bowls of baking soda in every room of the house and we have gone over the house 7 times with air freshener. Still smells like burned rubber testicles

Jester: and THAT is why you’re not allowed back at the porn store

Othurme: That wasn’t even the worst thing I did there either… But they were pissed about the rhino

Jester: I have a friend who lives there [New York], but I don’t know how real his invitation to visit is.

Lisa: I’d just go on hotels.com and browse. If you want to run neighborhoods past me, let me know.

Jester: it’s a guy I dated 11 years ago. He was HOT HOT HOT. Looked like Val Kilmer.

Lisa: ooh nice

Jester: yeah. back in the day when I could date a model

Lisa: oh shut up

Jester: lol. i still some how managed to get a guy way above my league. so it’s all good

Lisa: you’re ridic.

Jester: Ha!

Lisa: oh did you see Kristy’s invite?

Jester: yes. we’re going to try to go.

Lisa: yay!

Jester: should be fun.

Lisa: def.

Jester: i love that you’re speaking in abbreviations today.

Lisa: ha…I usually love to abbreviate. but depends on my mood

Jester: “I’m in an abbreviation mood.”

Lisa: ha! yes

Jester: “You know what I’m in the mood for? That’s right, abbreviation!”

Lisa: HA

Jester: “Come over tonight for some wine and abbreviation…”

Lisa: goes great with a nice pinot

Jester: What do you want for dinner tonight, honey? “Oh, I don’t know… Abbreviation?”

Lisa: ha. you’re just full of em

Jester: Ever wonder why the word “abbreviation” is so long?

Lisa: hilarious. and a great point

Jester: If only I could do a real job as well as I come up with stupid pithy statements.

Lisa: I’m sure there’s some sort of job that will accommodate that skill.

Jester: Professional Smartass?

Don’t forget to tune in to The Jester Show tonight at 9:30pm PST. Call in and enjoy the fun!

As I promised in comments, here is the completely unedited photograph that The Doctor, who now has yet another alias of “Michael Vaporis” sent me today.

I’m including the text of the email as well:

Hey Jester, I know that you and the others were not expecting this surprise, but here I am! Please ask all of the Ladies such as Britt and Gina not to get too excited because there is enough for the both of them I will assure you. Remember, I am The Thing!

The Doctor–a.k.a. Michael Vaporis

I’m not a porn aficionado, so I’m awarding 20 points to anyone who can put a real name with this face. I’m guessing Lee will know.

Sly: [Commenting on a comment from a fundamentalist website] Astounding brilliancy: “Space is water. Water has mass. Therefore space has mass. It’s my understanding that mammals are animals, of which humans are not.”

Lee: Well of course! Now I get it! wait… what?!

Words that need the following definitions for this to work
• Space – water
• Mass – existence
• humans – space ghosts!

Sly: Spaces ghosts—HAHAHAHAHA.

Lee: Originally, I had written space goats…. but I thought, hell, if there are goats in space, I think I would consider them animals. But then we might have new classification for space traveling ruminants.

Sly: The real question is whether or not these space goats have the ability to swim, since space is filled with water. And if they do, did they EVOLVE from regular land-living ruminants?

Lee:

1. of course space goats can swim! they would have died out from living in space if they couldn’t swim in space!
2. Even if space goats did evolve from land goats, I would call them something else like birds and dinosaurs. Or maybe I would just call them non-terrestrial ruminants.

I think this conversation might be blog worthy

Sly: I would agree.

I might posit that similar to dinosaurs/bats, terrestrial goats are actually either

1. Agents of Satan sent to distract us from the true manifestations of god’s plan for the water based universe
2. Atheist/Scientist tricks implanted like dino bones to trick us into accepting evolution

Either way, they are evil and this is why it is pleasing to god to sacrifice them as often as you can.

Lee: DEATH TO SPACE GOATS!!!

Sly: OMG YOU BLASPHEMING ATHEIST!!! DEATH TO EARTH GOATS MORE LIKE. MAY YOU BE SMOTE DOWN BY RIGHTEOUS LIGHTENING.

I made this for you:

TopNCal: So someone posted this as a question on the net: Would you sleep with the A-list celebrity of your choice if you knew a 30-minute video of the session would appear on the Internet?

Jester: are you kidding… if I could sleep with the A List celebrity of my choice, I’d tape it myself.

TopNCal: Exactly I would want everyone to know

Jester: which celebrity would you pick?

TopNCal: hmmm… I think I would still pick Ryan Phillipe

Jester: hmm

TopNCal: There are so many good choices though

Jester: Would you call Ryan Reynolds A-List?

TopNCal: i think now he is. Yeah and he would be an awesome choice

Jester: Though if I could do it without puking, a sex tape with Tom Cruise would make me a millionaire.

TopNCal: yes it would

Jester: Of course there’s also Leo and Johnny Depp to consider.

TopNCal: Though I think maybe I would take Justin Timberlake… he is fucking hot

Jester: Yeah, JT is also a good choice. This question is too hard.

There’s been a lot of continued discussion over at Dave’s place regarding the shooting death of the transgendered 14 year old.

Some people have stated such amazing points of view as “Children should be seen and not heard.” And kids “have no constitutional rights.”

There are several people who maintain that “Bob” the transgendered kid is at least partly responsible for his own senseless slaying. Apparently he should have known better than be himself and put himself in the position to be murdered.

The conversation has continued on my blog, too. The ever fabulous Lee needed some clarification about what constitutes a “hate crime” and why it’s important to differentiate a racially or sexually oriented – motivated crime. Here was his question:

So let’s say I’m a real asshole (I know, real stretch right) and I decided I’m going to get really drunk one night (again, way off base I know) and go down to the local bar and beat to death the man that’s been banging my girlfriend while I’m at work with a pool stick cause I hate him soooo much.

OR

I’m a real asshole that hates fags and I get drunk and go down to the bar and beat to death the gay guy that I know.

Same injuries, same cause of death…both cases I left the house intending to kill someone because I hate them

Which of these is a hate crime? Why not both?

You can follow along with the answers on the original post, but it prompted the following conversation between me and Othurme:

Othurme: I had a hard time grasping Lee typing the phrase….”So, if some guy is fucking my girlfriend….”

Jester: oh no shit. i emailed him about that

Othurme: I almost commented on it…but I don’t know him well enough

Jester: he’d take it well

Othurme: He’s not exactly type of gay guy that wears a question mark on his T shirt.

Jester: that’s an understatement

Othurme: It’s more of an exclamation point

Jester: hahahahah. Rainbow striped!

Othurme: With bows

Jester: and glitter! … i think i can picture my next cafepress tee shirt.

Othurme: The exclamation point?

Jester: yeah

Othurme: It’s brilliant. But I get half the proceeds

Jester: You got a deal.