stealing borrowing this from Avitable proud of coming up with this idea completely on my own without anyone’s help whatsoever.
I’ve grabbed the following questionnaire from one of the millions that seem to circulate around myspace, and for your entertainment (or not) I’m posting it here.
1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?
I didn’t happen to catch that dead hooker’s name. I won’t even bother looking it up until she’s been missing long enough to claim her life insurance. I hope that’s soon, since my budget really doesn’t have room in it for any more Oust.
2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Why? Is it missing? I would think it would be kind of hard to steal a Caspar’s Hot Dogs. Something tells me that the Highway Patrol would likely notice it bouncing down the freeway. Ok. Maybe not.
3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
I have an IV bag connected to naso-gastral tube that keeps me in a constant supply of dirty martinis. It’s hell when the olives get stuck.
4. Which do you prefer – eyes or lips?
Depends on whether you prepare them with garlic or in a red wine reduction.
5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Does a soul-crushing government job designing websites that no one ever sees to display data that no one understands count as a fine art?
6. Best kind of pizza?
Fried Bologna, Bleu Cheese and Anchovies. I call it the “Breath Buster.”
7. Is your bedroom window open?
There are no windows in my bedroom. Makes it harder for neighbors to hear the screams of dying hookers.
8. What is in store for your future?
A 5 X 9 cell in a mental institution, a gallon of anal lube, and the latest viral video entitled, “Three Guys and a Champagne Bottle.”
9. Who was the last band you saw live?
I’ve let them all live. I’ve got a soft spot for musicians.
10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
Sure. My other nickname is Dr. Kevorkian. Can I make you some soup?
11. What is your favorite soda?
Peach Fresca. There’s no joke here. It’s delish!
12. How many songs are on your iTunes?
All of them. Every single one.
13. When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
I’ve never purchased $500. What’s the price? I may be interested.
14. Where is the last place you drove to?
Don’t you know anything about gay people? I don’t drive, I have fairy wings.
16. Any historical figures that you envy?
Freud. I hear he had a HUGE penis.
17. What brand of digital camera do you own?
I own nothing. I borrow everything. Hey, you have a digital camera?
18. When was the last time you got a good workout?
Does wrestling a dead hooker back onto the bed count?
19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
The store I left my pants in, silly.
21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
A dead hooker.
22. Are you a quitter?
I’m bored by this question. I give up.
23. Who was the last person you had in your house?
Some detective. I didn’t get his name. He said he’d be back, though. I’ll ask him then.
24. Can you speak another language?
Akumbe. Zork baristical copsy. Lharpda bumjo payewk marfki.
25. How about you put your legs behind your head?
How about you play a lovely game of hide and go fuck yourself?
26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
If I’m dancing, I’m under the influence.
Handsome Harry Hungwell
28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?
This old thing? It’s just a little something I picked up from a hooker friend of mine.
29. What do you think about people who party a lot?
I think they need to start inviting me to parties.
30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
No, but this thong and ball gag does.
31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?
Who obsesses over Hollister? Have you ever been there? It’s a tiny shit hole-in-the-wall cow town NOWHERE near a beach. And there aren’t any hookers there.
32. What was the last CD you purchased?
I steal everything I own.
33. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?
Michael Bolton and Insane Clown Posse. I’m waiting for them to tour together.
34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
If they were deadly, I wouldn’t be sitting here answering this silly questionnaire, would I?
35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?
Of course not. I have them tattooed on my thigh in a really beautiful floral script.
36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?
The tallest mountain in Nicaragua. It’s a bitch running the extension cord up there, though.
37. Have you ever been offered a job?
No, I have always sought them out.
38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
I wouldn’t call my roadkill collection stealing so much as recycling.
39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?
My hair has been dyed so much that my natural color surrendered.
40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
I’ve already told you to stop asking me about the hooker. I’m not going to answer any more questions about her.
41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
No, but I’ve given 637 blowjobs. It’s been a slow month.
42. Miss someone?
Yes, but my aim is getting better.
44. Is there someone you want to fight?
No, but I can think of a few that I’d like to wrestle.
Do you have a question for Jester? Leave it in the comments section or drop him a line. No question goes unanswered.