I’m totally stealing borrowing this from Avitable proud of coming up with this idea completely on my own without anyone’s help whatsoever.

I’ve grabbed the following questionnaire from one of the millions that seem to circulate around myspace, and for your entertainment (or not) I’m posting it here.

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?

I didn’t happen to catch that dead hooker’s name. I won’t even bother looking it up until she’s been missing long enough to claim her life insurance. I hope that’s soon, since my budget really doesn’t have room in it for any more Oust.

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?

Why? Is it missing? I would think it would be kind of hard to steal a Caspar’s Hot Dogs. Something tells me that the Highway Patrol would likely notice it bouncing down the freeway. Ok. Maybe not.

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?

I have an IV bag connected to naso-gastral tube that keeps me in a constant supply of dirty martinis. It’s hell when the olives get stuck.

4. Which do you prefer – eyes or lips?

Depends on whether you prepare them with garlic or in a red wine reduction.

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?

Does a soul-crushing government job designing websites that no one ever sees to display data that no one understands count as a fine art?

6. Best kind of pizza?

Fried Bologna, Bleu Cheese and Anchovies. I call it the “Breath Buster.”

7. Is your bedroom window open?

There are no windows in my bedroom. Makes it harder for neighbors to hear the screams of dying hookers.

8. What is in store for your future?

A 5 X 9 cell in a mental institution, a gallon of anal lube, and the latest viral video entitled, “Three Guys and a Champagne Bottle.”

9. Who was the last band you saw live?

I’ve let them all live. I’ve got a soft spot for musicians.

10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?

Sure. My other nickname is Dr. Kevorkian. Can I make you some soup?

11. What is your favorite soda?

Peach Fresca. There’s no joke here. It’s delish!

12. How many songs are on your iTunes?

All of them. Every single one.

13. When was the last time you purchased something over $500?

I’ve never purchased $500. What’s the price? I may be interested.

14. Where is the last place you drove to?

Don’t you know anything about gay people? I don’t drive, I have fairy wings.

16. Any historical figures that you envy?

Freud. I hear he had a HUGE penis.

17. What brand of digital camera do you own?

I own nothing. I borrow everything. Hey, you have a digital camera?

18. When was the last time you got a good workout?

Does wrestling a dead hooker back onto the bed count?

19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?

The store I left my pants in, silly.

21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?

A dead hooker.

22. Are you a quitter?

I’m bored by this question. I give up.

23. Who was the last person you had in your house?

Some detective. I didn’t get his name. He said he’d be back, though. I’ll ask him then.

24. Can you speak another language?

Akumbe. Zork baristical copsy. Lharpda bumjo payewk marfki.

25. How about you put your legs behind your head?

How about you play a lovely game of hide and go fuck yourself?

26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?

If I’m dancing, I’m under the influence.

27. Nickname?

Handsome Harry Hungwell

28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?

This old thing? It’s just a little something I picked up from a hooker friend of mine.

29. What do you think about people who party a lot?

I think they need to start inviting me to parties.

30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

No, but this thong and ball gag does.

31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?

Who obsesses over Hollister? Have you ever been there? It’s a tiny shit hole-in-the-wall cow town NOWHERE near a beach. And there aren’t any hookers there.

32. What was the last CD you purchased?

I steal everything I own.

33. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?

Michael Bolton and Insane Clown Posse. I’m waiting for them to tour together.

34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?

If they were deadly, I wouldn’t be sitting here answering this silly questionnaire, would I?

35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?

Of course not. I have them tattooed on my thigh in a really beautiful floral script.

36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?

The tallest mountain in Nicaragua. It’s a bitch running the extension cord up there, though.

37. Have you ever been offered a job?

No, I have always sought them out.

38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?

I wouldn’t call my roadkill collection stealing so much as recycling.

39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?

My hair has been dyed so much that my natural color surrendered.

40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?

I’ve already told you to stop asking me about the hooker. I’m not going to answer any more questions about her.

41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?

No, but I’ve given 637 blowjobs. It’s been a slow month.

42. Miss someone?

Yes, but my aim is getting better.

44. Is there someone you want to fight?

No, but I can think of a few that I’d like to wrestle.

Do you have a question for Jester? Leave it in the comments section or drop him a line. No question goes unanswered.

I don’t often solicit advice from my readers… since I usually know it all already.

Here’s a question:

What’s the proper way to deal with people who want to add you as a friend on myspace or facebook who you know socially, but don’t really care to update them with every little thing in your life?

You know… an ex-coworker, a distant relative, ex-friend, or maybe, hypothetically, a bully who tormented you in elementary school who just discovered myspace and recognized your picture and now wants to be your friend? (I have no problem telling the bully to go to hell, but the others…?)

What do you guys do?

It has been a busy past couple of days around here, and not having my laptop puts a cramp in my daily schedule.

In other words, I don’t have anything prepared for today. I am showing up for the pop quiz without a pencil and having no idea what chapter we were supposed to have read. I may not even have the book yet. I’ll likely buy it used from some clown who dropped this class because it was too “late in the day.”

Whatever.

Any hoo… I’m going to turn today’s thread over to you all.

What would you like to talk about?

Are there any questions you have always wanted to ask me, or one of the commenters here?

Are there any stories I’ve written or posts I’ve made that you feel need some clarifications or expansion?

Post here in the comments and I’ll do my best….

Also, feel free to totally ream me a new one for not having my shit together today. Who knows, I might like it.

I was pondering what I should write about tonight, when Avitable posted his questionnaire to bail me out. Thanks Bluddy!

1. If I showed up at your house randomly next week, what would we do together?

I don’t want to get into specifics, but suffice it to say there would be gallons of alcohol, quarts of lube, pints of blood, cups of coffee, and ounces of some unidentifiable sticky substance that won’t wash off our shoes. Bring a swimsuit. And a towel.

2. Rather than saying "I have a blogger friend", or "I have a friend who's a blogger", there should be a word for this that makes it less awkward to say. Would you prefer "blend", "frogger", "bluddy", "blogquaintance", or "webbud"? Or do you have a better idea?

I’m a big fan of “bluddy,” but I prefer to use the word, “lover.” Just try it out and see if you don’t enjoy the looks you get.

3. If we were hanging out together and you noticed that my balls were hanging out of my shorts, would you tell me or try to maintain eye contact and talk to me?

I would just calmly reach over and tuck them back into place. I’m not afraid to touch manberries. Why are you wearing shorts anyway?

4. If you had no neighbors, would you buy curtains for your windows? Why or why not?

We have neighbors now and have no curtains. UMB is an exhibitionist, and I’m cheap. It works out for the best. There’s really only one window that is visible from the street, and if the drunk Asian guy across the street wants to see us naked, so be it.

5. Who would you rather fuck: Dan Rather or Betty White?

I’m not convinced that they aren’t the same person. Think about it, have you ever seen them in the same room together? Spooky. But just in case, my answer is Ricky Martin.

6. If two girls walk into a bathroom and they both find a newly born baby in the toilet at the same time, should they have to wrestle in oil while nude to claim the baby as theirs, split it in half and share it, or sell it on the black market and divide the proceeds?

They should flush, wash their hands, and get the hell out of that middle school.

7. Do you believe in ghosts, aliens, heaven, or mothers-in-law? Why or why not?

Ghosts, yes. Energy is never created or destroyed, so who’s to say that it doesn’t maintain some sort of human-like form. Aliens, yes. To believe that out of the billions and billions of other planets and solar systems that exist ONLY OUR planet is capable of sustaining life is just asinine. I don’t think they would bother visiting us. Heaven, no. Do I really have to explain that one? Mothers-in-law, no. I don’t believe in God or the Devil.

8. What was your most embarrassing moment of your life and do you have pictures or video that you will share with me?

To be honest, I don’t embarrass. It pisses everyone around me off… it just never happens.

9. Do you know where I put my sunglasses?

Yes. But I’m an asshole and I don’t plan on telling you.

10. What aspect of your own blogging do you wish you could improve and why? Would you pay money for lessons taught by me to improve that skill? How much? And what's your credit card number?

I wish I was bursting with brilliant, funny, witty and interesting posts that I just couldn’t write fast enough. I would gladly trade sexual favors for your tutelage. My credit card number is 2. I’m old.

Wanna try answering his questions, too?

Time for another rousing episode of Ask Jester. As always, you can submit your questions by visiting my contact page. Or you could do what most people do, type a crazy question into Google that leads you to my little corner of the world.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

What color are Chris Richardson’s eyes? – Idol Fanatic in Illinois

Dear Idol Fanatic, Chris Richardson has eyes? Uh… I mean, they are blue. Bright steely blue with some green highlights and flecks of gold and irises as black and deep as the outermost reaches of space. They are perched over an adorable button nose and perfect white teeth. His breath is as sweet as jasmine and his lips are extremely soft. At least they are in the recurring dream I’ve been having.

How do I verify rumors for free? – Unclear on the Concept in Utah

Dear Unclear, First I’d like to introduce you to my good friends over at dictionary.com who have this to say about it:

So to answer your question, since a rumor is by definition un-verified there is no place to go to verify rumors. You can find many sites that spread rumors and gossip about everything from celebrities to technology and business. But if you want to read facts, try traditional newspaper websites and official celebrity sites. Even then you have to be skeptical.

How many Benadryl should I take to kill myself? Too Lazy to Read in Toluca

Dear Too Lazy, Seriously there is something bad going on lately. You were one of twelve people who have asked me this question in the past two weeks. I apologize for the delay in answering, and I sincerely hope that you haven’t yet found out the number from elsewhere. I hate to be the last person to answer a question, and I certainly don’t want to be thought of as anything other than completely helpful. I have already answered this question on a previous installment of Ask Jester. Good luck. Do let us know if I gave you the correct dosage, or if I should edit that other post. Thanks!

How do I write اديل ? – Kevin in Kuwait

Dear Kevin, I don’t understand the question. Seriously, you just write اديل and that’s it. What’s the problem?

Who wrote Can’t Live if Living is Without You? -Mariah Fan in Missoula

Dear Mariah Fan, Just know that I hate Mariah with a passion. I truly despise everything she has ever done. I would rather sit through one hundred 4th grade productions of “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats” than listen to a single screeching note out of that overgrown dog whistle. Everyone thinks she’s such a brilliant artist, and completely love her version of “Without You.” Many people think that she is talented enough to have written it herself. False. Completely wrong. “Without You” was written and originally performed by Pete Ham and Tom Evans from the Beatles-esque group “Badfinger” in 1970. The song was ignored until Harry Nilsson recorded it in 1971 and took it to #1 on the US pop chart. Many other artists have covered the song since then, including Shirley Bassey, Heart, Air Supply, Clay Aiken and of course, Mariah’s 1994 version which was her biggest hit outside of the US.

No one can touch Harry’s version though, when he sings this song if you listen closely you can actually hear his heart breaking.

Got a question for me? Leave it in comments or visit my contact page to be included in the next installment of Ask Jester!

Howard over at The Web Pen is the latest to throw some interview questions my way. As always, if you wish to spread the interview loving, leave me a comment asking to be interviewed. Without further delay, let’s get to the interview!

1. C’mon. WHAT is your obsession with music? Jeez!

That’s like asking me why I like air. It’s like asking me to explain the need to eat. It’s like asking a gay man to stay out of an Abercrombie and Fitch store. It’s my crack/heroin/speed/meth/coke/vodka rolled up into three and a half minute sound bites of pure transcendence. What I mean to say is, obsession? What obsession?

2. Paul Rubens is a hero of mine. What’s he really like?

Well, you may recall that my memories of Paul have all been filtered through the haze of a long day of margaritas and other mind-altering substances… that being said, he was incredibly nice. He was a bit quieter than I imagined him to be. He was witty and laughed long and hard even at his own expense. Really what I remember most of all from that night was laughing until my stomach hurt. And of course his very cool response to Delious.

3. You seem to be a fan of that show that everyone talks about — America’s Standards For Entertainment Have Fallen Considerably or something? Assuming that you would rather be a judge than a constant (because we all know with you THAT would be fiction), who would you most be like and (yeah, two parts to this one) if they stuck you in as a fourth judge how would you set yourself apart from Randy’s attempts at being hip, Paula’s rose-colored-glasses view and Simon’s honest albeit brazen lack of tact?

So I’m guessing you belong the “Killer’s Camp of Idol Haters.” I don’t see that there is any disconnect for my love of good music and my American Idol addiction. The fact of the matter is that AI has had an enormous impact on the musical landscape. Yes, there have been some awful albums released, but there have been some outstanding artists discovered. I would say their batting average is better than most record labels at the moment. Kelly Clarkson, Chris Daughtry, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson… the list goes on all have deals now because of that show.

Don’t get me wrong, the whole Sanjaya Malakar affair almost ruined it for me this year. AI came VERY close to losing every last ounce of credibility. I guarantee that next season will be monitored much more closely. But back to your question… I’d say I’m closer to being a Simon than a Randy or Paula. I often say things aloud to UMB that Simon echos just a moment later. I rarely know what the hell Randy is talking about. He’d be silent if you were to mute out every “dawg” and “hot” “you did your thing” or “you worked it out.” Everyone picks on Paula for sounding stoned or incoherent, but I can actually follow along with what she says. She tries very hard to find something positive about every performance. I have to admit that it was pretty entertaining to watch her squirm to find something nice to say to Sanjaya. Simon usually knows what he’s talking about, but goes out of his way to make it sound mean. I think he went pretty soft this year.

If I were added as a fourth judge, I’d be able to set myself apart quite easily by speaking coherently and actually offering constructive criticism of their vocal abilities and song choices. Telling the contestant that they picked the wrong song is not enough, you have to tell them HOW to pick the right song. Tell them HOW to stay on pitch and not oversing and not shriek out the high notes. That’s definitely lacking.

4. If you could be a star-fucker and do anyone within the music industry without remorse or punishment from your man, who would it be and why?

Hmmm… I’ll leave out anyone from the music industry that I have already… umm… never mind about that… ok…

Here they are in no particular order:

If I had to pick a woman, it’d be that Taylor Hanson chick.

5. How would you go about writing a song about the absolute magnitude of a distance sun and how its light-wave intensity would affect the cerebral function of a person as the luminance penetrated their retinas?

I’d call it “Blinded by a Star” and I’d make it full of double entendres that would make it sound like I was talking about either a distant sun or my tryst with Ricky Martin.

********

Wanna play along?

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Anyone brave enough to let me interview them?

Dutchbitch had the Interview Meme up last night and I was feeling particularly brave, so I opted in. She sent me the following questions.

1. “Hire Me” – Tell me why I should hire you?

You should hire me because I am thorough, dedicated, and able to multi-task like a pro. I perform well in stressful situations, and will persevere for much longer than lesser men are able. I am honest to a fault, outspoken, and personable. I think outside the box and approach problem solving from many angles. I’m able to adapt my position and rhythm to match those of my co-worker(s). Wait… exactly what kind of job are we talking about?

2. What kinda Sushi place makes Creme Brulee?

Well, the place is called “Wasabi 201.” The food is very good, and the sushi chef believes that the presentation of a dish is just as important as the flavor. The rolls are always creatively decorated to look like caterpillars or flowers or abstract sculptures. The creme brulee comes out with skillfully arranged kiwi and strawberry slices and sugar sculptures on the top of them. Delightful.

Man. I’m hungry.

3. Your ideal cast for the remake of the legendary “Sound of Music”?

Oh man, this is gonna be hard. Couldn’t you have picked a show with a smaller cast!?

Captain Von Trapp	Maria	Mother Superior
Kevin Spacey	Minnie Driver	Maggie Smith
The Baroness	Max	Herr Zeller
Emma Thompson	Kevin Kline	Anthony Hopkins
Rolfe	Liesl	Friederich
Jamie Bell	Mandy Moore	Daniel Radcliffe
Louisa	Kurt	Briggita
Emily Browning	Frankie Muniz	Dakota Fanning
Marta	Gretl
Elle Fanning	Some annoyingly cute little girl

4. Had you been Oprah, would you’ve allowed Tom to jump on your couch like a maniac during broadcast?

Yes, in fact, I would have encouraged him. I would have egged him on and worked him up into a lather until he was stripping his clothes off, foaming at the mouth and proclaiming the truth about his relationship with the pool boy. Then he would have peeled his face back to reveal the grey-green alien head underneath. I could then retire from all the tabloid money and would be forever known as the hero that saved civilization from one of its greatest evils.

5. What was the biggest tip ever left in the Tip Jar?

Uh. Er. Hmm. Let’s just say that I used the cash to buy a fabulously tasty treat at McDonald’s. I enjoyed it very much.

********

Wanna play along?

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Anyone brave enough to let me interview them?