Oct 23

Money Mystery

I used to have the habit of emptying my pockets of loose change and bills onto the kitchen counter with my keys. It was just easier to keep track of where the cash was, and made it less likely to end in up in the washing machine.

Over a period of time I realized that the bills that I put on the counter were disappearing. Initially, I assumed that I had picked it up without thinking about it. After a week or so, I concluded that either my aunt or my roommate was “borrowing” the cash.

I tried to keep track of just how much was disappearing. I asked my aunt if she had been using it for tolls or something. She hadn’t been, in fact, she had noticed that the cash from her bedside bowl had slowly been disappearing, too. She had been meaning to ask me about it.

It became clear that I needed to confront our roommate about the cash. I didn’t want to be a jerk about it, but I was already covering most of the bills and doing all the housework, I really couldn’t stand the idea that he would be stealing from me and my aunt, no matter how small the dollar amount.

He came home from his job at a local bank, and I decided to confront him in my most “diplomatic” way.

“Hey Chris, is everything going ok for you lately?”

“Sure… things are actually pretty good,” he replied.

“So, you’re not having any money problems or anything are you?”

“What do you mean? Are you wanting me to pay more rent?” A slight note of concern was creeping into his voice.

“No, no… nothing like that… I’m just saying, you know if you are having trouble you can just ask and I can try to help you out… If the few dollars that I leave out on the counter could help you out, just ask man.”

“Wait… what are you talking about? Do you have money missing too?” He asked.


“Yeah, I’ve had cash disappear from my bedroom the past several days. I sort of thought you were taking it since I’m not really paying you enough rent or something.”

“Chris, I don’t go in your bedroom. How much are you missing?”

“I don’t know, sixty, seventy bucks.”



“Well I don’t know what to say. I’m sure Celeste isn’t taking it. She has money missing, too.”

We dropped the conversation at that point, and I have to admit that I wasn’t entirely convinced that Chris wasn’t taking the money. I decided the only way to know for sure would be to catch him in the act.

Over the next week, I continued leaving my bills on the counter. Never more than twenty bucks, usually less than ten. I would try to make sure that I stayed awake until Chris got home from his second job at Starbucks so I could confirm the cash was still on the counter when he went to bed.

Every morning, the money would be gone again. He must have been getting up in the night while we slept and helping himself to my pocket money.

I decided that it was time to confront him seriously and give him the ultimatum that he stop stealing my shit or he had to get out.

I sat up late that night, hanging out with a book on the couch. Chris was due home around midnight. Celeste was already in bed. I had told her that I was probably kicking Chris out and she agreed it was the best idea.

Right around 11:45 I heard some rustling in the kitchen. I looked up to see my tabby cat, Zipper, trotting happily out of the dining room with a five dollar bill in her mouth.

zippersinkShe would stash it in multiple areas around the house… a closet, under the bathroom sink, under my bed.

I’ll never be sure that we found it all, but the first round of searching turned up $372.

To this day, I can’t leave a dollar bill on the counter. She doesn’t seem to care about denominations. Pity, I could make a killing by taking her with me to visit all my friends.

Oct 01

Dogs ARE Better, Damnit!

Stop by my friend Craig’s place, where you can weigh in on our recent argument over whether dogs or cats are best. Clearly Craig lost, if for no other reason than the magnificence of my foil hat.

Check out: Puntabulous Guest Debate with Jester.

Nov 20

DutchBitch: The Guest Post

woodenshoescowdesign.jpgHiya, JesterTunes readers! DutchBitch signing in… Yeah, the snarky bitch / raving management-assistant / hot mommy / crazy single woman with the red latex stiletto heeled wooden shoes boots… Well, I really can’t help it. I am just like that. Hey! We can’t all be sweet, lovely, caring, boring responsible cutiepies… What would the world come to if it wasn’t for us loudmouth cool bitches and guys, hmmm? Just saying…

Aaaaanyways… Jester asked me to do a guestpost… Well, f***k me… I get through years of blogging without ever having to do one -and having all my tenants do one for me- and now I’ve had to do 2 of them in in 2 weeks time… Crap! The pressure, the pressure… it’s killin’ me…

I am on the couch recovering from a great night out… STFU! I am turning 37 in a few months * ouch * and there is only so much alcohol and sleep deprivation a hard working woman’s body can take… I am trying to think of a subject to blog about and my mind is a blank…. … … … … So I figured I’d just start Googling until something comes to me… So I Googled “Dutch Bitch” and “Jester Tunes”… Hey… you never know, somebody might have just done the guestpost work for me… No such luck though… Then I turned to the Google-images on both searchstrings… and well… I’ve decided to do some comparing research… So hold on, here goes:

2tshirtdutchbitch.jpg1-tshirtjester.jpgBoth our searchstrings turn up at least one picture of a Tshirt. The one one the left is Jester’s and on the right is mine… Well, I’ll just refrain from any comment here, shall I?

4dogdutchbitch.jpg3catjester.jpgThen we get on the animal kingdom-link… Jester’s Google-search turns up a cat… mine dogs… a lotta dogs… bitches most probably… but cool bitches… (and some uncool ones, but we’ll disregard those… Shut Up, it’s MY guestpost!) and we all know Dogs win over Cats, right?

6vanessa.JPGMadonnaMoving on to The World of The Stars… Yeah… I know! It’s unbelievable, but there really is a link in there to both our names! I am not shitting you… It’s just a shame that Jester’s search turns up the “Material Girl”-Madonna (WTF! I mean, of all cool Madonna images… pfffttt). Mine turns up a variety of stars in heavy metal, rap, pop, rock. The likes of Meredith Brooks, Elton John, Carmen Electra and our “local” star Vanessa! I am so versatile * snort *

What’s left? Well, my search string turned up some stuff that I couldn’t really match up with summin’ from Jester’s search… Like a picture of pimp… a tombstone… a thermometer… and these toiletbowls

I think I can now safely say “I rest my case”. Obviously Jester IS a cool ‘un… His blog proves he is… but in the area of Serious Hotness I win… hands down… Yeah, I’m a bitch… I know! Bite me!

Jester’s Rebuttal –

Look you, you can’t come over to MY blog and tell MY readers how much hotter and cooler you are than I! What if they were to believe you? What if my readers were to run immediately over to your site, expecting some infinitely more interesting stories and pictures? My web view stats would go down, taking my self esteem and positive image of self worth with it. Then, I would sink into a deep, dark, depression that would eventually cause me to have to file for bankruptcy, lose my relationship, and end up committed to a mental institution where I would sit in an ugly green-striped chair rocking back and forth and licking my armpits.

Not a pretty sight, I tell you.

Besides, I have several tombstone photos on my site, including my own. And while I may not have your toilet bowls or a thermometer, I will pit my french maid, drag queens, Denny’s prostitute, and naked stick figure against them any day.

So dear readers, while I encourage you to visit DutchBitch, I’ll just remind you that for the super cool shit, you gotta come back home to me.

Nov 03

California Dreaming

The rains have begun. I know this not because I can hear it on the roof, or because I can look out the back door and watch the drops splashing up on the patio.

I know this because not only is it dark in the house at 2 in the afternoon, but because of this:

Those are muddy cat tracks all over the bathroom.

Oct 26

Rubbergirl and a GIANT dog.

Rubbergirl and TannaRubbergirl just sent me a photo of her with her youngest baby, a mastiff named Tanna. Just as a size comparison, Radar, the black dog in the photo is a rather large rottweiler.

Compare the size of Rubbergirl’s head with that of Tanna’s. I haven’t met Tanna yet. But I’m ascared!

Sep 29

Some photo album updates

P1010701I found a bunch of photos today that I thought I had lost in a recent hard drive failure. So I decided to upload some of them to the photo album while I was backing them up to my archive drive. There are updates to the Jester album, the UMB album, I scanned some older pics of Toby, and I added one for the dogs. I have a ton of pics to sort through and will be uploading more over the next few days.

In case you haven’t met them yet, our canine housemates are Hudson, a 7 month old Anatolian Shepherd (we think), and Gracie, a two year old black lab-pointer mix.

Jul 09

Floating around the lake…

Since I’ve hired some competent employees to work at the cafe, I’ve been able to take a breather… first time in a long time I’ve been able to just relax a bit. UMB and I took Gracie and headed up to Lake Berryessa for the afternoon. We’ve actually been going quite often lately. It’s only about 40 minutes from home, and it’s quite nice.

It’s funny how the lakes here don’t get as crowded as Table Rock or Taneycomo do back home. Hell, even Truman Lake is busier than the lakes I’ve seen around here. Guess it is because of the proximity of the ocean that splits the people out.

is gigging tomorrow at the Oakland Motorcycle Club around 5 pm if anyone is interested in checking us out. Should be an interesting show. Me fronting a band playing for 500 bikers.

:: looking for my leather harness ::

Oct 04

The Infamous Rat Story…

For those that have never heard about it, or maybe are just reading my site for the first time, I’ll preface this story by saying that this was written a couple of years ago, when I was taking night classes in San Francisco and working during the day full time. On the night in question, I had had a particulary rough day, and wanted nothing more than a bite to eat and to go to bed. As you’ll see in the email I was sending to Swampie, it didn’t work out quite that way…

So I drive home at 12:30…I step in the house and put some leftover pizza in the microwave… lunch was 12 hours earlier.:P Celeste comes out of her room and informs me that she discovered a RAT in her closet earlier this evening… and it was really bothering her. (not that I blame her, but it was quite amusing) Apparently the stupid thing chewed a hole in the panel giving access to the attic and dropped down onto the shelf and couldn’t get down or back up.

So while I’m checking out the access panel and determining that yes, that’s where the rat came in, it appears on the upper shelf, causing Celeste to scream.

Armed with a broom and standing on a chair, I am seeking to shoo the rat out of the closet and hopefully out the front door. The rat does some amazing acrobatics, and does a bannister slide down the arm of one of Celeste’s jackets, and is now buried in the mess of shoes and crap in the bottom of Celeste’s closet.

One must now give pause to ask a very pertinent question…. just where oh where are the trusty children at this point? My ferocious tiger, leopard, and fierce wolf? Answer: The fierce wolf and Celeste are doing that protection shuffle… everytime Celeste would put the dog between her and the closet, Echo would get behind her legs and peer out. This lasted until i suggested that Celeste stand at the ready with the broom to push the rat into the hall as I attempted to scare the rat out of the closet…that was when Celeste decided she couldn’t possibly stand on the floor.. and was perched on the futon where the dog couldn’t get behind her. Prince came into the room just in time to see the rat make another frantic acrobatic manuever (still in the closet)… Prince’s feet didn’t touch the floor for at least 4 full steps as he made a retreat into the safety of the hallway. Zipper meanwhile got one whiff of the commotion and found someplace (no doubt HIGH off the ground) to observe. She appeared about an hour after the whole thing was over.

So if you haven’t gotten a mental image yet… I’m wedged in the back corner of the closet testing each shoe for rats before tossing it in to the middle of the room. Celeste is standing on the futon tenaciously hanging on to the broom… god help the rat if she actually got a chance to swing at it… god help ME if I were within broom-range. I spook the rat who runs straight at me and then across my leg, to the little space between the sliding doors on the closet. The shoe box, that I was hoping to catch the thing in didn’t move quite fast enough.:P So as I’m shining a flashlight between the doors, watching this rat run up and down the HEIGHT of the doors… (vertically), Echo, the fearless, fierce hunter that she is, suddenly realizes that there is something going on…. not only is something going on, but it’s going on RIGHT WHERE I AM… so now I have a VERY excited Jack Russell Terrier doing handsprings over my head and circling the door. The rat is unfazed… it’s just sitting between the doors waiting for something interesting to happen.

Now, I’m still wedged into the back corner of the closet with a flashlight trained on this stupid rat who has now caused me over 20 minutes of grief. Celeste retrieved the blow dart gun from her shelf… which is only equipped with STUN darts, unfortunately.. but I’m doing my best to hold a flashlight in the crack of the doors and aim this blowgun, I guess in hopes of STUNning the rat, while the dog is basically in hysterics. Prince, by the way, is now curled up on the other end of the futon, watching us with that little smirk on his face… you know the one I mean… the one that makes me feel like my name should be Jon Arbuckle, and I’m dumber than Odie.

So I’m smacking this rat with stun darts, which is not only NOT stunning the rat, but could perhaps actually be just slightly annoying him. I could tell it was a him by this point… we have become quite acquainted, as he’s facing away from me. In a last minute desperate act, I swipe the dangerous weapon from Celeste’s hands (the broom) and manage to spread the space between the doors enough to insert the handle and poke the rat… This of course sends the rat and the dog, who is now barking, into equal amounts of frenzy. The rat leaps out of the space between the doors from about 3′ up, directly towards Celeste who screeches, and the dog hurdles me and makes her way over to where the rat landed. The next minute or so is kinda blurry, as I’m now laughing so hard I can’t see straight… what I do recall is the dog chasing the rat under the futon under a cat who has suddenly found himself between a excessively excited dog, and a terrified rat… needless to say, Prince made the right decision and moved very quickly out of the way. There was a rather umm.. meaty… crunching sound.. and the dog had a new item to play catch with… except now… as she goes running down the hall way, Celeste and I are chasing her and telling her to drop it, in hopes that it isn’t being eaten in front of us, or worse yet, bleeding all over the floor. I managed to persuade Echo to take it outside where I got her to drop the now dead rat. I got a bag and put the corpse in it… and wheeled the trash out to the dumpster.. the dog however is now even more hysterical, because she knows that there was something there.. and now she can’t find it… she’s retracing her steps from the door to the spot where she dropped it… over and over and over…

I get out to the dumpster with the shopping cart that we use as the trash wagon… just as I throw the bag containing the dead rat into the dumpster a small brown kitten flies out from underneath the dumpster, almost sending me into cardiac arrest.

I’m now in my room typing this and trying to enjoy the twice reheated pizza while Echo is still trying to track the rat from the closet all the way to the door and back .. again and again….thinking, umm… tastes like chicken!

And how was YOUR evening?

Aug 18

The Zoo

Unclemonkeyboi and I took Ruben to the San Francisco Zoo yesterday to celebrate Swampie’s birthday. Had a great time as neither UMB or Ruben had been before, and everything was cool to them. The new monkey exhibit is really nice, and definitely check out the Lemur Island.

Afterwards, we went back to the Fitzgerald Marine Reserve to check out the tidepools. The tide was still pretty high when we got there, so we did some cliff climbing and exploring until the tide went out enough we could search for starfish. We didn’t manage to find any.

Oh well.

It’s been great having Ruben around. I almost feel like a dad. I took him back to school shopping over the weekend and everything. He called his mom today and got permission to stay here longer, and I’ll be driving him back home to Oregon over Labor Day weekend. That should be fun.

More later…

Aug 10

tide pools

Went to the The Fitzgerald Marine Reserve today. What a cool place… a ton of tide pools, starfish, hermit crabs, and all kinds of creatures. If you’re in the area, check it out.