Maroon 5 will be on tonight! Fantastic!

Group disaster: “Reeling In The Years” by Steely Dan. Let’s see.. prog rock dumbed down to pop vocal arrangement, add stupid choreography = aural vomit.

Initial results:

David Archuleta comes out first. Clearly, he’s safe.

Blah blah. Idols in Vegas.

David Cook is up front next. He’s of course safe.

That leaves Syesha Mercado and Jason Castro in the bottom two.

Worst Ford commercial EVER. Matador outfits? What the fuck?

Shitty ass call in segment. PLEASE LOSE THIS NEXT YEAR IDOL!!!!

Maroon 5 is out on stage to perform now. I believe this is the second time this season. Adam Levine is freaking hot still. He sounds a bit off tonight. Sound problems? Not feeling well? Something’s not quite right. Oh well.

Bo Bice is now on stage to perform “Witness.” He was the runner up on Season 4. It’s good to see him up and around after his long illness. The song was very Stevie Ray Vaughn. So yeah. It was what it was.

Finally! Back to the results…

Jason Castro is out! He totally blew it last night. I really liked him up until the last couple of weeks. I think he’ll do fine in his own deal doing his own brand of stoner folk music.

He’s not surprised, not even emotional. Neither are we.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season Seven Top Four Results

*sigh*

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is the theme for this week’s show. That means a HUGE library of music to choose from. No song choice should suck tonight.

David Cook is first with “Hungry Like the Wolf” from Duran Duran. The song itself sounds pretty cool as a rock number rather than the synthesized new wave recording. What I’m bugged about is his performance. He didn’t have a guitar and sort of just wandered around the stage aimlessly. Randy called it “just ok.” Paula liked it. Simon thought it was a little “copycat,” but good enough to go through to next week.

Syesha Mercado is second with “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner. *Yawn* Predictable choice that leaves her open for unfavorable comparisons to the original. She is actually trying to show off some personality, but her Tina impression leaves a LOT to be desired. I really wish she had been a bit less impression oriented. Randy thought she was on fire. Paula thought she looks and acts like a star. Simon thought it was a “bad shrieky impersonation of Tina Turner.”

Jason Castro is third, and he has picked “I Shot The Sheriff” by Bob Marley. This is a total trainwreck for me. He really should have gone with the Clapton version of the song. Randy said there was “nothing special about it.” Paula liked how he performed for the audience, but wasn’t crazy about the song. Simon called it “utterly atrocious.” He compared it to a first round audition massacre.

David Archuleta picked “Stand By Me” by Ben E. King. He’s just so fucking awkward and interviews terribly. Fortunately he sings well. I can’t say I loved his arrangement, but his voice was great. Round 1 definitely goes to David Archuleta. Randy said he brought “the hot man vocals.” Paula thought he really delivered tonight. Simon thought it was a great choice of song, but he struggled a bit at the end. He said David could have whistled that song and it would have been better than Jason Castro’s performance. Simon called it the best performance so far.

David Cook is up for his second performance. He picked “Baba O’Reilly” from The Who. This is an interesting choice. It’s never been performed on Idol before. He’s slowed it down a bit. The arrangement was totally weird and almost unrecognizable. If not for CSI using the song as the theme, I don’t think anyone would have known what he was singing. Randy thought it was better than the first. Paula “wanted more!” Simon said simply, “Welcome back David Cook.”

Syesha is up with “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke. The original is one of the best vocals ever put on recording as far as I’m concerned. Where the hell has THIS Syesha been all this time? This Syesha who has attitude and personality and isn’t pitchy… I would be a bigger fan if she had sounded like this all along. Randy didn’t love this song as much as the first one. Paula gave her a standing ovation and made her cry. Simon agreed with Paula. He thought Randy’s critique was completely wrong. Syesha is a mess.

Jason Castro picked “Mr. Tambourine Man” by Bob Dylan for what I’m guessing will be his last Idol performance. He started out really strong, then blew the lyrics. He’s accompanying himself with the guitar, without the band. With the exception of his blown lyrics, the performance wasn’t terrible. Randy said “Jason, you’re just not in the zone.” Paula said “that didn’t blow me away, but you do.” Simon said, “Jason, I’d pack your suitcase.”

David Archuleta closes the show with “Love Me Tender” by Elvis Presley. I don’t understand why all these contestants think they HAVE to change the melody so much that a song is almost unrecognizable. His vocals were good, but the arrangement was crap. Randy loved it. Paula said it was “fantastic.” Simon said he “crushed the competition tonight.”

So here’s the recap:

Safe:

David Archuleta
David Cook

Danger Danger:

Syesha Mercado

Bye Bye:

Jason Castro

What do you think? Did this show do the Hall of Fame justice?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season 7 Top Four Perform

Last night’s show was a stinker. Downright disappointing. I love Neil Diamond.

Neil and Natasha Bedingfield are on the program tonight. Cool.

And here’s the group number starting with “Cracklin’ Rosie.” More ridiculous fucking choreography. Yikes. “Song Sung Blue” is next and Syesha is REALLY out of tune. “Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show” is a real nightmare!

Worst. Group. Number. Ever.

Damage control for Paula who was confused last night by the new format. Who cares if she’s drunk or not? She’s entertaining.

Time for some results:

Jason Castro is out first to find out his fate: he’s safe tonight.

David Archuleta is next. He is also safe. Of course.

Long promo for the “So You Think You Can Dance” show. Needs more hot guys.

David Cook is out next. Gee, I wonder what his fate will be? Oh right… He’s safe.

That leaves Brooke and Syesha in the bottom two. Deja Vu.

Natasha Bedingfield is here to perform. I really liked her first album. I haven’t heard the new one yet. She’s got a great voice. Unfortunately most of her songs don’t have enough melody to show it off. This one is pretty damn good though.

And the call in portion nightmare continues this week. There was a call from Simon’s first kiss. Sweet and creepy.

Neil Diamond is here now with a new song, “Pretty Amazing Grace.” I can’t say I love this song. That being said, Neil Diamond is 67 years old and sounds exactly the same as he did when I was a kid.

Ok. Time to get send one of the girls home.

And it’s unfortunately Brooke.

She’s probably MUCH better off leaving now. She will get a great record deal and get to do an album HER way.

Torture watching Brooke sing “I Am I Said” while bawling.

*sigh*

Is it wrong to say I no longer care who wins?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season Se - Aw fuck it.

I know some of you think that makes me completely uncool.

Fuck you.

Jason Castro is up first with “Forever in Blue Jeans.” This is a great choice for him. It suits his personality quite well. I would have rather heard him be a bit more powerful on the chorus. It was just a bit weaker than I wanted. The judges don’t get the chance to speak until after the contestant’s second number.

David Cook chose “I’m Alive” which is a lesser known Diamond song. David’s spin on it, making it faster and grungy was a great interpretation. His voice was great, the performance was energetic and I’m sure he’ll sail through.

Brooke White picked “I’m A Believer” for her first song. She’s playing the guitar and looks like she’s having a much better time this week than last. She was dealt a pretty heavy blow with the past two weeks theme. Neil Diamond is right up her alley. I really like seeing her have fun. She sounded great and looked comfortable again.

David Archuleta’s first song is “Sweet Caroline.” I hate what he’s done to the melody right off the bat. He cut out the minor chords in the chorus. He left out the signature melody line and replaced it with a generic Stevie Wonder run.

Syesha Mercado selected “Hello Again” for her first song. This was from “The Jazz Singer.” I’m really not feeling this at all. Besides the fact that she had several flat notes, the fact that she had to alter the melody to hit all the notes really bugs me.

Randy’s notes on the first song: Jason was just ok. David Cook was strong. Brooke better than last week. Archuleta was the bomb. Syesha was strong.

Paula’s notes on the first song: Jason “loved the lower register” (she thought he did both songs already); David was fantastic. Brooke was great. (Simon cut her off)

Simon’s notes on the first song: Jason forgettable, Cook above average, Brooke nightmare, Archuleta amateurish, Syesha old fashioned.

Ok I really hate the judges not getting to say their piece. How can they expect the contestants to take advice they don’t get?

Jason’s second song is “September Morn.” This is a much better performance than his first song. He stuck closer to the melody and the song allowed him to really play up his sexy eye stare into the camera. Randy thought it was just “ok.” Paula thought it was too safe. Simon thought it was forgettable and didn’t like that he stuck so closely to the original arrangement.

David Cook’s second song is “All I Really Need is You.” This song totally sounds like it was something he wrote. It was perfect for his style. This could totally be a hit right now for David. I think it will sell well tomorrow on iTunes. This performance might have won him the whole show. Randy called it “blazing.” Paula loved that he picked two songs that were lesser known and said she’s already looking at the American Idol. Simon said the first song was “ok” but the second song was “brilliant.”

Brooke’s second song “I Am I Said.” She’s at the piano this time. I hate the lyric change, since Arizona is not on a different shore than LA. That was terrible advice from Neil. I liked the performance. Randy said, “Nice job!” Paula loved the vulnerability. Simon really hated the first song, but the second song is the “Brooke we like. Well done.”

David Archuleta picked “America” for his second song. I don’t really care for the song choice. It’s kind of manipulative, much like Kristy Lee Cook’s “God Bless The USA” fiasco earlier this season. His voice is cracking a bit. I don’t think he’s in the best voice this week. I hated it. Randy thought he is “in the zone.” Paula thought it was the perfect song choice for him. Simon called it a smart choice of song.

Syesha is closing the show with “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime.” She’s trying to channel Beyonce from Dreamgirls. It’s not working for me. Her pitch is all over the place. It always has been problematic for her. This was a lot like a commercial jingle. Randy thought it was in the zone. Paula thought her first song was beautiful. The second song she compared to Minnie Riperton. Simon thought she was a very good actress/singer but that she may be in trouble tonight.

Here’s the recap:

Safe:
David Cook
David Archuleta

Danger Danger:
Brooke White
Jason Castro

Bye Bye:
Syesha Mercado

I’m so disappointed in tonight’s show. I hated the format. These are some great songs and outside of David Cook, I don’t think anyone really connected with their songs. What do you think?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season Seven: Top Five Perform

We’re jumping right into the group number “All I Ask of You” from Phantom of The Opera. A beautiful song. I really don’t care for the unison singing, when there are good voices who could do cool harmonies. They finally did something good with it at the end.

Andrew Lloyd Webber didn’t seem to be bothered too much by Brooke’s start and stop last night. I certainly hope voters at home weren’t either. He didn’t care for Jason Castro’s performance at all.

This weeks Ford commercial was brilliant. “Tainted Love” was the song and it was a mixture of comic drawings and live action.

WTF! Laura Bush and her bobble-head were on AI again? That makes two shows this week, Idol and Deal or No Deal. Doesn’t he have a war to run or something?

Ryan will be pulling out the bottom two tonight.

David Cook and David Archuleta are called out to the stage first. David Archuleta can’t speak, he stumbles over his words constantly. A terrible interview subject. Both Davids are unsurprisingly safe.

Ooo! Neil Diamond is next week’s mentor. Awesome.

Nice little montage of past idols on Broadway. Man, Clay Aiken gets gayer every day.

The number one selling new artist in the world, Leona Lewis is here to sing “Bleeding Love.” I have to admit that I have NO idea who she is. I don’t listen to the radio anymore. This is what passes for a number one song now? THAT is why I don’t listen to the radio. I haven’t heard a decently written pop song on the radio in so long I can’t even remember what it is supposed to sound like. Oo. Pyrotechnics. I imagine we’ll see those again on the finale.

Back to the eliminations.

Syesha Mercado and Brooke White come out together next. I’m actually nervous for Brooke now. Dammit. I hate being emotionally caught up into this show. Brooke is SAFE!!!!!!!!!! Syesha is in the bottom two.

Carly Smithson and Jason Castro are up next. Jason Castro is safe and Carly is in the bottom two. I’m surprised by this a bit. I fully expected Jason to land in the bottom.

Carly and Syesha are asked to perform before learning their fate.

Carly Smithson is out. I’m very surprised by this. I’ve been expecting Syesha to go for quite a while now.

I’m pretty bummed, but I’m VERY happy that my girl Brooke is safe.

Are you guys surprised?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season Seven: Top Six Results

Brooke and Jason may be screwed. Again.

Syesha Mercado is first. She’s picked “One Rock and Roll Too Many.” She looks amazing tonight. Her timing is a tad off at the start. I think Syesha has really hit the peak of what she can do and each week she does an OK performance that is neither the best, nor the worst. This performance is very much the same. It’s good, but I’m not bowled over. She did show a lot of personality. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon called it sexy. He thought it was one of her strongest performances so far.

Jason Castro is next. He’s selected “Memory” from Cats. ALW was bothered by the dreadlocks. The verses are a bit low for him. It was a nice version. I’m not going to rush out and buy it on iTunes at all. It just wasn’t his style. Randy didn’t like it at all. Paula liked his choices. She compared it to Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful.” Simon said it felt like the longest two minutes of his life. He thought it was miserable, and it wasn’t his style of music.

Brooke White chose “You Must Love Me” from the Evita movie. She blew the intro and asked the band to start again. Shit. That might be the nail in her coffin. Her voice is stunning on this song, though. She is really feeling this song and emoting. Damn. I’m nearly in tears and she’s getting a standing ovation from the crowd. Randy didn’t like her vocals. Paula said, “You must never start and stop.” She loved that Brooke didn’t overact. Simon called it “dramatic” and thought she was very tense. Simon thought she did exactly the right thing by stopping and starting again.

David Archuleta picked “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera. The song was definitely meant for a soprano. He’s picked a pretty cool arrangement that makes it much more contemporary style. He completely flubbed the lyrics of the second verse. Mumbled all the way through it. The performance was good enough that I don’t think it will stop the throngs of screaming 9 year old girls. Randy called him the one to beat. Paula called it “perfect.” Simon called it “pleasant” and one of his weakest performances.

Carly Smithson originally picked “All I Ask of You” but ALW told her to perform “Jesus Christ Superstar” instead. Good choice. This was perfect for her! She looks amazing and this song couldn’t have been a better pick. Full of attitude and rock riffs. The band was slamming. This is by far her best performance of the season. I’m actually EXCITED at the end. This was FAN FUCKING TASTIC! Randy didn’t think it was her best performance. Paula thought it might be too high for her but loved it anyway. Simon called it his favorite of the night.

David Cook is closing the show with “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera. I don’t care for David’s “soft” voice. It’s kind of weak and unsupported. I think we can all agree that David is able to kick ass on a rock song. Unfortunately, sensitive, tender and seductive just isn’t in his bag of tricks. I hated this performance of a song that I love. Randy thought it was “amazing.” Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon agreed with me wholeheartedly.

Here’s the breakdown:

Safe:
Carly Smithson
David Archuleta

Danger Danger:
David Cook
Jason Castro
Syesha Mercado

Bye Bye:
Brooke White (cry)

Outside of Carly’s performance this show was a complete disaster. What did you all think?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season 7: Top 6 Perform

Let’s get it over with, shall we?

36 million votes were cast last night. Elliot Yamin is also performing tonight. Wonder if he will talk about his mom who passed away last week.

Aah… the group number “One Sweet Day.” At least they toned down the ridiculous choreography tonight. The song was pretty blech, though.

Time for the first round of the elimination process:

Jason Castro comes out and gets moved to the left side of the stage for the dreaded “Group” separation.

David Cook is out next and he moves to the right side of the stage.

Carly Smithson is next on the block. She joins Jason Castro on the left side of the stage.

Kristy Lee Cook joins David Cook on the right.

Ford commercial with the marionette theme. How original. ::rolls eyes::

Elliot Yamin is up next to perform “Free.” He’s such a better performer now than he was on the show. He actually moves around the stage and has some physical energy. His voice was always amazing, but he’s so much more exciting to watch now. If he had been this animated a couple of years ago he would have won. Best performance by a past idol all season. He’s got “We Miss You Mom” written on his palm. This was his first performance without his mom being in the audience. I’m a bit verklempt.

Syesha Mercado is out next to take her place on stage. She’s joining Jason and Carly on the left.

Brooke White is up to take her place next to David Cook and KLC. It’s a fairly surprising split.

David Archuleta is left standing alone.

Ugh, why won’t let this call-in gag die? It is really sad and stupid and tedious and boring and awful.

And now it’s time for the Mariah Carey performance. I’m subjecting myself to this solely for the benefit of this blog. Why does she insist on using that stupid hand motion that is supposed to coordinate with the melody of the song? Is she playing an invisible theramin? And is there suddenly an open window in the studio to delicately blow the hair from her face? This song sucks with a capital Hoover. Quit saying “Bye Bye” and get the hell off the stage you screeching batshit crazy harpy.

Thank god that’s over.

Let’s get back to the results.

Syesha, Carly and Jason in one group. David Cook, KLC, and Brooke in another.

David Archuleta will be asked to join the top 3. David is safe. Of course.

Uh oh. David Cook and Syesha swapped places. So that changed the groups totally.

David Cook, Carly, Jason Castro and David Archuleta are all safe.

Kristy Lee Cook, Brooke White, and Syesha Mercado are the bottom three. Fuck. I hope it’s not Brooke going home PLEASE!?

Syesha is safe. This means either KLC or Brooke is going home. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

KRISTY LEE COOK GOES HOME!!!! THANK YOU AMERICA FOR GETTING IT RIGHT!!!!!

My girl Brooke is safe!!!!!!!!!! Fan-fucking-tastic.

Just when I think America has lost its mind, they redeem themselves.

Don’t scare me like that again, ok!? KLC has needed to go home for a long long time.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season 7: Top Seven Results

Othurme sums up my feelings on her exactly with his comment: “I loved the first album, but hated her forever after.”

I’m really worried about the contestants trying to copy her whistle-tone screeching. God. Kristy Lee Cook already sounds like a dying squirrel monkey. I can’t imagine what she’ll sound like on a Mariah song.

Randy said he’s looking for identity from the contestants. Don’t you think it would be hard for them to do that when singing songs by Mariah?

David Archuleta is absolutely gushing over Mariah. That’s a totally heterosexual thing to do. He’s picked “Believe” to open the show. I’m having a little trouble understanding his words. He’s mumbling. His upper register is kind of annoying to me. Othurme says I should give him some slack because of his frozen vocal chords. The judges all loved it. Othurme wants to know why Simon is trying to name drop.

Carly Smithson picked “Without You” which is NOT a Mariah Carey song, dammit! It’s a Nilsson song. Carly has made the mistake that I’m afraid several other will make tonight, which is trying to do all the Mariah “runs” and losing the key. Othurme says, “She can’t get low enough OR high enough for this song.” This is one of my favorite songs being performed by one of my favorite contestants and I have to say, it wasn’t my favorite things. Othurme pointed out that she seemed to be a bit lost on the ending. Randy said the beginning was “not quite loosey-goosey for me.” Othurme responded with, “that’s not helpful at all… it’s like saying, ‘That’s like a barrel of monkey butts for me.’ What the hell?” Simon didn’t think she pulled it off very well. Paula didn’t think she was confident enough. Othurme really liked the “Elvira cleavage.”

Syesha Mercado picked “Vanishing.” Syesha sounds really good tonight. This might be her “moment” on Idol for the season. Randy thought she did a “good job all things considered.” Paula rambled surprise surprise before saying it was “magical.” Simon said it was “technically very good.” He was worried about the song choice, since it wasn’t one of Mariah’s hits. Othurme didn’t like it as much as I did.

Brooke White is up next. I’m interested to see what song she chose. “Hero” is the winner. She’s accompanying herself on the piano. Mariah Carey songs really don’t suit Brooke’s style at all, and I’m really afraid that this performance isn’t good enough to keep her around for another week. I’m seriously bummed out. Othurme noted that she seemed to be very nervous and unsure. Randy picked up on it too. Paula called her “authentic and identifiable.” Simon didn’t think she had much choice with the songs. He said her voice wasn’t strong enough to pull off the song.

Kristy Lee Cook gave Mariah “goosebumps” when she sang. I said, “those aren’t goosebumps, they’re cringe shivers.” Othume said, “they’re festering boils on your ears from hearing terrible notes.” All of this is just during the little clip of her singing for Mariah. She hasn’t even taken the stage yet! Kristy picked “Forever”. I will say this, she’s at least TRYING to win. I see that she’s TRYING to improve. I still hate her and want her to die a hideous death in an ugly stereo wire incident. Othurme said, “The twang is not working for me.” Randy didn’t think it was amazing, just good. Paula was “blown away.” Simon said, “you didn’t give me chills.” And it wasn’t great.

David Cook surprisingly picked “Always Be My Baby.” He’s kinda flat at the beginning. This is a complete mess. UMB says it’s way too low for him and he’s singing like he has a “hunk of cheese” in his throat. The melody for this song is way too bouncy and major to be performed as an intense emo-type song. The background vocals were completely out of place and as Othurme pointed out, “he’s terribly flat” almost the whole way through. I like David normally. This was a BAD week for him. And I just know everyone else is going to go batshit for it. Randy gave him a standing ovation. The first one so far. Paula said it could be in a movie soundtrack right now. Simon called it original and daring and a “breath of fresh air.”

Jason Castro chose “I Don’t Want to Cry.” He’s got a stripped down acoustic latin vibe going with the guitarists and bongo player behind him. This was a very cool and original performance. He sang it very well. It was by far the favorite of Othurme and myself. Randy didn’t love it at all. Thought it was “luau” music. Paula loved it and called it amazing. Simon agreed with Paula. He said it was very cool.

Here’s the recap:

Safe:
David Archuleta
Jason Castro

Danger Danger:
Syesha Mercado
Carly Smithson
Brooke White

Bye Bye:
Kristy Lee Cook

I’m afraid that Brooke is in real trouble, but I refuse to predict she’s going home as long as KLC is still on the show.

Othurme: “I think since Carly has been in the bottom three so often, and she didn’t do a great job tonight, she could go home.”

So what do you all think?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season 7 Top Seven Perform

I have to say that tonight is a bit of a shocker, however.

I totally missed the mark with this week’s choice. And I really want to know: exactly what do I have to do to get KLC off the show!?

It was a tough week to choose… the singers who are normally shitty weren’t as bad as usual. Which left the door open for a usually solid performer to go home.

60 million dollars raised last night. Fantastic.

We have to sit through the Jesus music again!? Really? Can’t we just let our pop stars thank Jesus during their Grammy speeches and leave out all the 700 Club stuff the rest of the time?

Brooke White is the first contestant to learn her fate. She’s safe!

David Cook is next. He’s also safe.

David Archuleta is of course safe.

Crap - more footage of Forest Whitaker in Africa. Maybe I was too hasty in not ending it all last night. I have a toaster and a bathtub…

Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown are here to perform “No Air.” Not really my style of music, but it was a pretty cool song. That Chris Brown is a hottie.

Back to the results…

Jason Castro comes out to learn that he is safe.

Kristy Lee Cook is next. There are four people left, and the bottom three isn’t picked yet. Your odds aren’t good… except… that she’s safe.

That leaves The Bottom Three:

Syesha Mercado
Michael Johns
Carly Smithson

And Michael Johns goes home. It really comes down to splitting a demographic… there’s only a given number of fans who will vote for the rocker and even though the other rocker (David Cook) had an off night, he’s a far better performer than Michael.

It’s really not his time to go… KLC and Syesha should have gone ahead of him.

What do you think, how do you guys feel about the results?

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Season 7 Top 8 Results

So I’ll just keep a running list of the highlights and low points.

mmm… hot guys dancing!

Kylie Minogue = Beautiful.

Maria Shriver = Fucking Scary.

Snoop Dogg is an American Idol? What about that whole, I don’t know… murder thing…? I think a lack of violent felonies should be requirement to be considered an “idol.”

What the fuck is on Kobe’s face? He couldn’t cover that shit with makeup for his 15 second spot?

Randy and Paula visited Goshen Elementary school 200 miles out of LA. I spent the whole clip trying to figure out what the music was behind the whole thing. I finally figured it out: Athlete’s “Street Map.”

Why is Lois Lane Terri Hatcher singing Carrie Underwood’s song? Who told Lois Lane she could sing? Someone should be slapped for lying.

Miley Cyrus has 2 #1 albums and a #1 movie? How is that even possible? This bit between her and Billy Crystal is painfully unfunny. But it was FAR less painful than the song she sang. Apparently we’ll give #1 status to just anyone now. I expect Avitable’s first #1 single, “2 Girls, A Cup, and a Dolphin” to be released at the end of the week.

Fuck Bono and his little AIDS orphans for making me cry for the first time tonight. I knew it would happen eventually, but I preferred just watching and being all snarky during a charity event. I’m apparently living up to my newfound reputation as a heartless asshole bastard.

Oh good… Fergie is back with John Legend to relive their shitty Grammy moment. Seriously, what’s the point of having an incredible vocalist like John Legend just play a piano? Fergie’s face looks to be about 15 years younger than her neck.

Heart is on hand to show all the Idol’s what a Heart song is supposed to sound like. I do think Carly Smithson sounds a lot like Ms. Wilson. Do we really have to have Fergie sing with Heart in order to make it appeal to the 12 year olds?

I’m incredibly distracted by Eli and Peyton Manning’s speech impediments and funky lip movements when they talk. It’s like they both have had strokes on opposite sides of the brain.

Pardon me for a second while I compose myself after being blindsided by David Beckham. I don’t think I’ve heard his voice before. Those looks and that accent. I don’t stand a chance.

Annie Lennox taking an entire family of brothers for HIV tests in Africa… I may slit my wrists. All of the boys are negative. And now Annie is sobbing and I can’t quite hold myself together any more. She’s coming out to sing. She’s one of my many favorite artists. She’s got such an incredible voice. I’m curious about her tee shirt that says “HIV Positive” on it. I’m sure there’s some sort of campaign I don’t know about.

Celine Dion is in Africa looking like she could use a sandwich herself.

Carrie Underwood looks and sounds amazing. She’s done a fantastic cover of George Michael’s “Praying For Time.” This is my favorite moment of the night thus far.

Gloria Estefan and Sheila E collaborating on “Get On Your Feet.” More hot guys dancing. Sheila got so excited she knocked over her cymbals. Feeling compelled to donate now… in the form of single dollar bills stuffed into the waistbands of hot guy dancers.

Sarah Silverman = Funny.

Forest Whitaker is in Africa to discuss malaria and the need for mosquito nets. I wonder if anyone is working on a way to either eradicate the mosquito?

Great Britain just donated 200 million dollars. What!? 200 MILLION DOLLARS? With the poor exchange rate, that must be what the prime minister has in the change drawer by his bed. See what I did there? I worked in a little topical economic humor. I rock.

Reese Witherspoon is here to solicit funds for the Children’s Defense Fund.

The American Idols are here to sing “Seasons of Love” from Rent. That sound you hear is a million gay boys across the country going “Squeeeeeeeee!” Brooke White didn’t get a solo in that little number. Everyone else did.

Alicia Keys is in Africa, and I’m looking for a rope to hang myself from.

Why oh why are we being subjected to another Miley Cyrus performance? This time it’s that song that totally rips off Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night.” Really? This is the best we can get? The fugly daughter of a hillbilly country singer?

Robin Williams should not wear leather. He is playing the part of the Russian Idol, Ivan Yakinov. You know, I think the Russian people should be pissed over this bit. Robin announced that he loved Simon in a “Brokeback Way” right before grabbing his ass.

Brad Pitt is in New Orleans. Anything he’s selling, I’ll buy two of, thanks. He’s here to introduce Daughtry’s clip of their trip to Uganda, and a tonn of African orphans singing along with them. I know I have a full bottle of sleeping pills around here somewhere.

Mariah Carey. Oh how I loathe even the sound of her name. I must admit that I bought her very first album and I thought it was very good. That was before she blew her voice out, became a crazy skank, and got a puffy face. I had an ex that thought she was the best thing to happen to music ever. This is the same ex who would order a hot dog from the kid’s menu when we went anywhere exotic, like the Greek restaurant. He was also the one who left decapitated stuffed animals on my doorstep after I dumped him, but that’s a story for another day. Mariah just made that whistle-tone sound that should never be made and both my dogs freaked out.

And the really big show is over with a final number “Shout to the Lord” by the Idols.

Why did we have to turn this into some big Christian rally? Can’t we have a fundraiser that isn’t full of religious under/overtones? I was actually thinking that I was quite happy about the fact that they kept the Jesus-speak to a minimum… they were actually just saving it for the end. *sigh*

So much for making this a short post. I managed to not shoot myself. There’s always tomorrow night.

View the original post at: Jestertunes

American Idol Gives Back - Jester Is Suicidal