Great gobs of horrible ear juice, I hope the guys are better this week than last.

Guys?

Wait. I thought the girls were on Tuesday. Whatever. It’s probably more fair this way. The Wednesday performers would have one more day to rehearse…

Oh. Apparently Crystal Bowersox was deemed unable to perform tonight by her doctor. A quick news search tells me that Crystal may be suffering some complications of diabetes. Hopefully she’s better tomorrow, as she’s one of the select few singers that I actually like this season.

So in last week’s ridiculously drawn out results show, we got rid of Jose Mu�oz (guess the ~ budget ran out), and Tyler Grady (you’ll remember him as the Robert Plant impersonator attached to that giant walking chin).

Anyway! Let’s get this train wreck started, shall we?

The theme tonight is, once again, Billboard Hits.

Michael Lynche can bench 505 pounds. Holy shit dude, that’s not even natural. He’s picked “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown. Quite the dramatic opening from this bruiser. This performance is nothing at all like his ho-hum number last week. Is that some personality I see? Is that some power in his voice? His pitch and tone were fantastic tonight. A huge improvement from last week. Randy gave him a standing clap. Ellen loved his song choice and called it the one to beat. Kara said he had the potential to be a great artist and said he’s not the same guy this week. Simon called the change from a pussy cat to a lion. He called it the best performance he’s given so far.

John Park didn’t learn English until the 4th grade. He’s Korean. He’s picked “Gravity” by John Mayer. He really does have a nice voice with a very smooth vibrato. This song didn’t do much to showcase his range, as the melody doesn’t meander very far from the root note. However, it was a perfectly pleasant performance. I would like to see him do something with a little more energy. “No Such Thing” might have been a better John Mayer choice for him. Randy didn’t think he brought anything special to the song. Ellen thought it was a better song choice than last week. Kara agreed that it was way better than last week. She didn’t think he had much of a connection with the song. Simon thinks John is going home because it was a “so what” performance.

Casey James hasn’t had a TV since he was 7. He’s picked “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin Degraw, a popular choice in past seasons. He’s playing electric guitar tonight, which makes him about a bajillion times hotter. I’m not really loving this performance. He’s going sharp on the end of his phrases and seems as though he doesn’t have enough breath to get through it. He’s a great guitar player however. Randy didn’t think it was the best vocal, but did think he could see him as a successful artist. Ellen thinks everything is there on paper, but he’s a bit stiff with the performance. Kara thought he took two steps backwards tonight, she thought his vocal wasn’t great. Simon thought it was a pretty mediocre performance and thought he lacked the grit necessary to do that song.

Alex Lambert suffers from terrible stage fright. He’s picked “Everybody Knows” by John Legend. He’s playing his guitar this week, so maybe he won’t be so uncomfortable. He’s being less nasal, but there is still a bit of that buzz saw action going on. He is definitely improved. He’s one of those performers who has a “fine” voice that would probably be great as a supporting vocalist in a band. But I don’t yet see any star potential. He’s likely to stick around another week. Randy loves his package. He called the performance a great improvement. Ellen is back to bananas, which somehow means he’s got so much more confidence and compared his voice to Sam Cooke. Kara called it a great improvement. Simon called it “a million times better than last week.” His only issue was the song choice.

Todrick Hall has been dancing on stage since he was 9. He’s chosen Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” He’s changed up the arrangement on this classic 80′s hit, giving it a bit slower R&B vibe that actually works well. I actually quite liked this. I noticed a couple of places in his runs that were slightly off pitch, but the interpretation was fresh and he performed it well. He’s got the potential to battle it out with the top guys. Randy didn’t care for the new arrangement but thought he sung it well. Ellen wants him to move during the performance, and didn’t think it was the right song. Kara thought it was too crazy and all over the place. Simon doesn’t think it’s working out at all for Todrick. He compared it to a corny theme park performance.

Again, I think the judges are absolutely HORRIBLE about this whole “make it your own, but don’t change the song, but be original and take risks, but don’t fuck with the arrangement” hypocrisy they’ve been throwing out lately. Make up your damned minds!

Jermaine Sellers somehow survived elimination, despite sounding like an air-raid siren last week. He “rocks his onesie” which truly is as ridiculous as it sounds. He’s picked “What’s Goin On” by Marvin Gaye. Can I just say he looks completely idiotic with his natty bow tie and FroHawk? This arrangement is just stupid. It’s not even close to current or marketable. He actually SCATTED in addition to once again warning nearby towns of an incoming tornado. I hate everything about this performance. He’s murdered a perfectly good Marvin Gaye classic, he’s looking like a fool (though his pants are NOT on the ground), and there isn’t anything about his voice that I find redeemable. Clearly this means the judges will rave about him. Randy thought it was better than last week, but thought there were a couple of bright moments in a not great performance. Ellen loves his style, but says it just didn’t work for her. Kara thinks he is trying to do too much with his range. Simon is frustrated and disappointed because he’s playing around with the song too much.

Please stop talking about God, Jermaine. It’s clearly a desperate ploy to get middle America to pick up the phone to call and vote for you before they realize you’re a poofter.

Andrew Garcia is a breakdancer. He’s singing “You Give Me Something” by James Morrison. Am I the only one who thinks Andrew looks like a lesbian you used to hang out with at karaoke night? Just me? Ok. I’m not in love with this song. That being said, I do think Andrew has one of the better voices of the guys this season. He’s got good control, just the right amount of gravel when it’s needed, and a great tone. He will sound amazing in the studio. Randy didn’t get it. He thought it was pitchy and he didn’t have the soul to pull it off. Ellen thought there were some pitch problems but really liked the performance. Kara thought he played it too safe this week and wanted to be surprised. Simon is frustrated once again. He thinks it was the wrong song choice. He thought it was just “ok” and thinks Andrew is better than just “ok.”

Aaron Kelley, aka, TwinkyBits (I swear I’m going to make this catch on.) is up next. He’s a budding photographer. “My Girl” by The Temptations is his song choice. This should get him the teenybopper vote for sure. He’s definitely showing some nerves tonight. You can hear it in the vibrato. The falsetto notes were just slightly under the pitch which always makes me cock my head to the side. He’s not going anywhere, but he’s not going to win. Randy thought the first half of the song was brilliant but the last half was not good. Ellen wishes he had chosen a different song. Kara liked the performance and thinks he’s consistent. Simon didn’t like the song and thought it was all over the place. He made the Justin Bieber comparison and said it was too old fashioned.

You all know what I think of Justin Bieber.

Tim Urban comes from a big family. There are nine of them. That’s a lot of hair. Oh good, more prayer happening on stage. He’s picked one of my recent favorite songs, “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. He’s playing his guitar and seems much more comfortable this week. I think Tim gets the award for “most improved.” This was VASTLY better than his destruction of “Apologize.” This was a believable performance, definitely suited him and his vocal ability. If he continues to pick songs in this vein he could actually go pretty far. It was as though a different guy got on stage in a shaggy wig and actually sang. I have a bit of issue with the way he pronounces some words, but that’s likely just my own nit-pickiness in action. Randy didn’t get it. He thought it was very karoke and nothing special. Ellen wants to know if he acts because he doesn’t have any charisma or stage presence. Kara liked the song choice but doesn’t think he’s gotten his shit together yet. Simon called it a “marked improvement” and disagreed with the other judges. He called him more relevant than other performers tonight.

Lee Dewyze was a trouble maker in school. Yawn. He’s picked “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. He had a moment or two that sounded just like Adam Duritz from Counting Crows. There were some good moments in this song, but NOT the really high notes when he’s pushing his voice and it turns to a jackhammer. It was also lacking a bit of energy for me… this song has a pretty cool build up in intensity that never really happened tonight. No one else is really riding the “rocker” train so he’s probably safe. Randy liked that he’s taking chances. He noticed some pitch problems, but liked it anyway. Ellen didn’t think the pitch problems matter. She thought he had passion and intensity. Kara thought there were some significant pitch problems, but he has a very commercial voice. Simon thinks he is vocally head and shoulders above the rest of the boys, but he looks terrified.

So tonight wasn’t quite the trainwreck that I expected. I’m still not in love with anyone yet, and I think that’s a first for all the seasons I’ve been doing this.

Here’s my rankings (remember, this isn’t who I think will be voted off… it’s just how I think they performed):

1. Michael Lynche
2. Andrew Garcia
3. Todrick Hall
4. Tim Urban
5. Casey James
6. Lee Dewyze
7. Alex Lambert
8. John Park
9. Aaron Kelley
10. Jermaine Sellers

My prediction for who goes home? Jermaine Sellers and John Park.

So… do you have any favorites yet, or do you think they are still so all over the map that it’s impossible to tell? Who do you think is going home?