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Watching Avitable’s latest video, The One Where Adam Tries Not To Vomit, reminded me of a story.
A few years ago while working at the National Laboratory in Berkeley, there was a Materials Science Ph.D. in my division who was heavy into playing politics. He was the nicest guy if you were just shooting the shit about the weather or any other non-work-related topic, but the minute things turned to work he was a two faced lying scum bag who would sell you down the river if he thought it might make him look good.
So he discovered that I live in Fairfield, which is home to the Jelly Belly Jelly Bean Factory. It’s basically across the street from the Budweiser factory. There’s a great tour that you can go on to see how they are made and you always get free samples just for walking in.
One of the benefits to stopping by the factory is that you can buy bags of “Belly Flops” which are the jelly beans that don’t quite make the cut. They might be disfigured, stuck together, or sometimes they are flops because the logo didn’t print right on the bean. They taste exactly the same of course. The “flops” are usually between $1.25 and $2.50 per pound. By comparison, buying a bag of mix-your-own beans is $9.00 per pound.
At any rate, Dr. Asshole, asked me pick up a few bags of flops for him, you know, if I didn’t mind. I really didn’t the first time, especially since he hadn’t really come out as a total dickwad yet.
Then the requests came more and more frequently. He would ask me nearly every week to bring him another 4 pounds. I discovered that he was setting them out in a bowl on his conference table where he would invite some of his scumbag asshole compatriots in to basically do everything possible to make my life (and the lives of everyone on my team) completely miserable.About this time Jelly Belly got the rights to market their special brand of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans from the Harry Potter stories.
Flavors included: booger, earwax, dirt, black pepper, earthworm, sardine, garlic, grass (my favorite), and vomit.
I picked up a box and took them home eager to try them for the novelty factor. Several friends sat around with me sampling the unique flavors that for the most part tasted just like you would expect them to. Sardine was pretty fucking vile even though I have been known to eat sardines from the can.
However, nothing prepared me for the experience of a vomit flavored jelly bean. It was as close to the flavor of the real thing as you could ever want to get. It immediately made my stomach rumble and the acidic taste was EXACTLY like that first watery-mouthed stomach bubble that precludes a technicolor yawn.
There are few things that I’ve put in my mouth that I immediately had to spit out. (TWSS) The vomit jelly bean elicited an immediate “GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH YOU FUCKING IDIOT” response.
I’m sure you know where this story is going.
As Dr. Asshole began waging his war on my team (trying to get rid of us) on the sly, I was still his bean-pusher.
I started mixing in the Every Flavor Beans with his now weekly delivery of sugary treats.
I always pulled the grass flavored ones out though.
At first, it went unnoticed. I could just picture the group sitting around the table popping jelly beans in their mouths a handful at a time, wondering why there was an unusual flavor every so often.
When I failed to get a good reaction, I started adding more and more boxes of the foul beans to the mix. I would giggle every time I saw one of the scumbags pop their heads in Dr. Asshole’s office to grab a handful on the go. I just know they would get back to their desk, gag on one of the beans and move on to one of their favorite flavors.
This went on for MONTHS.
Until one day the fire alarm went off and our building was evacuated. After weeks of expensive air quality tests, the addition of air purifiers and several meetings with the Health and Safety Division it was decided that there was some sort of “toxic substance” in our building that was making many of the division staff sick.
Nausea, vomiting, and complaints of “unusual tastes in their mouths.”
I ended up with a new office far away from Dr. Asshole and never had to buy him another fucking bag of jelly beans.