How has a whole week passed since I last did this? Where the hell have I been and what I have accomplished? I have NO idea.

Somehow it’s already country week. What? Country’s usually reserved for much later in the season. The theme is “Grand Ole Opry” and the guest mentor is Randy Travis.

As you all know I have a lot of love for country music. Let’s hope they don’t all fuck it up tonight.

Michael Sarver is up first and he’s picked Garth Brook’s “Ain’t Goin’ Down til the Sun Comes Up.” Well. I will say that the harmonica player was awesome. Michael, on the other hand, is no Garth Brooks. The song was too low for him, he blew some lyrics, and it was just a really blah performance. Randy and Kara weren’t really into it. Paula thought the genre suited him well and he had fun with it. Simon couldn’t understand a single word he sang. On a scale of 1-10 he gave it a 1.2.

Allison Iraheta picked “Blame it on Your Heart” by Patti Loveless. I totally love this song. Allison is not really cut out for country music. She really didn’t do anything to make the song her own. The arrangement was pretty shitty. Allison has GOT to learn how to breathe while she sings. She runs out of steam in the middle of phrases. Kara thinks she just gets better and better every week. Paula called it “rock solid.” Simon thought it was good, but thought she was struggling to remember the words. He said it verged on precocious. Randy thought it was “dope.” I think maybe that’s the difference between me and the judges tonight… I have had a lack of dope.

Kris Allen picked “To Make You Feel My Love” written by Bob Dylan, made extra-famous by Garth Brooks. Kris is just too fucking cute. I want to put him in my pocket and carry him around. His voice was fantastic on this song. It was vulnerable and all around the country 13 year old girls and 42 year old guys just creamed themselves. Paula thought there were a few pitchy moments that I didn’t hear at all. Simon thought it was “terrific.” Randy thought it was a great tender moment. Kara thought it was beautiful and didn’t think it was even country. Uh… duh, it IS A BOB DYLAN SONG!!!

Lil Rounds is up next. She’s performing “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. This is one of those songs that is so iconic to the artist, that it’s a mistake to touch. There’s really no question that Lil can sing, but this song was just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong for her. She should have done more with it, made it more her own. I wanted it to do so much more. Randy didn’t think it felt comfortable. Kara basically said what I said. Paula said it was spot on, but she should have gone to the chorus sooner. Simon said it sounded like she was forced to sing something she really didn’t like or was comfortable at all.

Adam Lambert gets his turn now. Randy Travis says, “I give you points for being unique.” He’s picked a middle-eastern version of “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash.

Ahem.

So, this is one of those performances that people are either going to hate with the fire of a thousand suns, or will love to the point of speechlessness. I have to say that I loved it. Adam hit some notes that are stratospherically high. His pitch was DEAD ON. The arrangement was so strange and different, the vocals were flawless. I actually sat here stunned for a few minutes. Kara called it all “a little strange but I liked it.” It left her “confused and happy.” Paula called him true to who he is as an artist. She compared it to Led Zeppelin “Kashmir.” Simon said, “What the hell was that?” He said there are lots of people throwing their televisions out the window and said it was “indulgent rubbish, horrific.” Randy compared it to Nine Inch Nails doing a country song.

Scott MacIntyre chose another Martina McBride song, “Wild Angels.” Randy Travis didn’t think it was a good song choice. This low parts of this song is far too low for Scott, which is inexcusable since he’s accompanying himself. While I think Scott is a talented guy, he’s sort of a one-trick pony. I feel like every performance from him is the same song over and over again. There was really nothing new to see here. Move along now. Paula says the piano may be a bit of a crutch now. She said the performances are too similar. Simon called the performance very similar to last week’s. Randy called it just a “nice performance.” Kara said, “Up your game.”

Alexis Grace takes the stage now with a Dolly Parton song, “Jolene.” I normally like Alexis, but this song is just painful. When Dolly sings “Jolene,” there is an intensity that makes the listener almost uncomfortable to be listening in on this conversation being portrayed. Alexis totally lost that intensity and connection to the story making the song boring and lacking any power. UMB says he thinks the problem is that Alexis always sings just behind the beat, so that the rhythm of the song moves her, rather than her driving the song forward and that in itself makes the intensity disappear. I don’t necessarily think the timing is to blame, but agree that her timing is odd. Randy thought she had a lot of pitch problems. Kara thinks she lost her angst. Paula thought the song was a good choice and showed her vulnerability. Simon thought there wasn’t enough originality.

Danny Gokey is on deck to sing a Carrie Underwood song? He decided to sing “Jesus Take the Wheel.” There’s not a lot to say about this performance. He delivers a good song every week. This isn’t my favorite performance of his, but he did a good job once it got going. Kara thought the first half of the song was “not spectacular” but got great in the middle. Paula stuttered before saying he was “brilliant.” Simon agreed with most of Paula’s rambling points. His only problem was the polar suit jacket Danny is wearing. Randy thought Kara was right on. He said the verses were a bit pitchy and he needs to get it together.

Anoop Desai picked “You Were Always on my Mind” by Willie Nelson. What a beautiful song. Let me just say up front that I’m really sick of him dressing like a college student. I realize he IS a college student, but dude, you’re on a national television show, put the hoodies away. Back to the singing… this is one of the best performances of the night. He’s controlled, he’s vulnerable, his pitch is perfect. He changed the melody up just enough to make it interesting. It was sweet and emotional. After last week’s terrible song, it is really nice to have the good Anoop back. Paula said, “Anoop is back.” She called it tender, honest and sweet. Simon said he managed to go from “zero to hero.” Randy said he proved that he could sing tonight. Kara said it was amazing the best performance of the night.

Megan Joy Corkery is here to annoy me thoroughly no doubt. She’s touching a Patsy Cline standard, “Walking After Midnight.” Randy Travis called it “totally unique.” Oh GOD THE BOOBS! THE BOOBS! THEY ARE SHAKING! MAKE IT STOP! BOOBS! UMB is covering his ears and I am soldiering on to listen to this auditory shit just to write about it for your amusement. You should be quite thankful that I am making my ears a sacrifice. This was so fucking painful I can’t even stand it. Randy thought it was going to be a trainwreck, but that it worked for her. WHAT!? Kara called it the perfect song. Paula thought she was fantastic despite being in the hospital with the flu. Simon thought she looked gorgeous but that she was much better this week than last. I swear to god all they noticed was BOOBS!

Matt Giraud is hopefully here to save the night. He’s singing “So Small” by Carrie Underwood. Matt is able to do with his piano performances what Scott MacIntyre hasn’t been able to do. He makes each performance different and memorable. This was a great interpretation of the song, performed very well. Matt is able to convey emotion and make a connection not only to the song but with the audience that most of the other contestants aren’t able to do. Kara called him a true talent. Paula called it authentic and honest. Simon said he out sang Danny tonight. He compared Matt to Michael Buble. Randy called it his favorite performance of the night.

My ranking:

1. Anoop Desai
2. Matt Giraud
3. Adam Lambert
4. Kris Allen
5. Danny Gokey
6. Lil Rounds
7. Allison Ireheta
8. Alexis Grace
9. Scott MacIntyre
10. Michael Sarver
11. Megan Joy Corkery

The guys are definitely beating the hell out of the girls this season. This was one of the hardest episodes to judge out of every season that I’ve blogged. UMB and I actually watched the show twice and argued at length about the legato and melody changes in “Jolene.” We had the hardest time ranking the top five because each one of the performances was so different and the singers have different strengths.

We still don’t agree on the rankings above, but it’s my post, my website, and I did all the fucking work. Therefore, you get my rankings.

What do you all think? Will Megan survive based on the “singing through the pain” effect that we’ve seen in past seasons, or will she finally get the boot. Are there people out there that really love her that much that Michael Sarver will be going home?

BOOBS! BOOBS! BOOBS!