Aug 27

Speaking of words…

You may have seen this already, but it had me laughing hysterically today. Enjoy!

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter – and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of making out.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.
The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj.
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, adj.
Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj.
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.
To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n.
Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n.
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n.
A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.
A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n.
The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.
A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n.
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n.
The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n.
An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Aug 26

Guest Post: That Sounds Dirty

Hey gang, Karl here from SecondHand Tryptophan. A couple of weeks ago, Jester did a nice little guest post for me, so I thought I’d return the favor. While I’m pulling out what little hair I have, trying not to smoke, I’ve been using lots of swear words. And it occurred to me that there are a lot of words that sound offensive, but aren’t.

Here now, are some of those words:

  • Scrum
  • Pianist
  • Shuttlecock
  • Titular
  • Uranus
  • Cockamamie
  • Coxswain
  • Pussywillow
  • Masticate
  • Cumberbund
  • Penalize
  • Cockpit
  • Titicaca
  • Kumquat
  • Niggardly
  • Vacillate
  • Angina
  • Shittake
  • Caulk
  • Rectify

How about you? What words can you come up with?

Aug 21

Skunked

Othurme’s dogs seem to have had their first encounter with a skunk tonight. We now join this conversation in progress:

Othurme: I just bought $500 worth of hydrogen peroxide and baking soda

Jester: have you even started the bathing?

Othurme: I’ve washed both of them twice now

Jester: any improvement?

Othurme: I can’t tell. the house still smells like sweaty rhino balls

Jester: That’s why you’re not allowed back at the zoo.

Othurme: That wasn’t nearly the worst thing I did there either

[later]

Othurme: It’s everywhere. The garage is horrible.

Jester: so uh yeah… i think i’ll be on the other side of the stage from you tomorrow.

Othurme: I will smell like the waft a 3000 flowers. I will be soaked a mixture of baking soda and tulip scented air freshener

Jester: awesome

Othurme: You will get to smell it tomorrow, because the dogs are coming with… My eyes are watering

Jester: oh geez

Othurme: The front windows are all wide open, a fan is blowing, there are bowls of baking soda in every room of the house and we have gone over the house 7 times with air freshener. Still smells like burned rubber testicles

Jester: and THAT is why you’re not allowed back at the porn store

Othurme: That wasn’t even the worst thing I did there either… But they were pissed about the rhino

Aug 15

Don’t be Stupid

There are entirely too many stupid people on this planet. They come in all varieties, all stupid.

There are those who know they are stupid… you don’t have to worry so much about them, as they will generally sit back and let someone who is not stupid do what needs to be done. This almost makes them smart, but not quite.

There are those who don’t know they are stupid… These guys are usually arrogant and can be found running companies and corporations all over the place. They will often hire people who are far more stupid than they are to make themselves look smarter. These guys are assholes, but generally not terribly dangerous.

There are those who are stupid but are convinced they are smart. These are among the worst of all the stupid people. They will refuse to back down from an idea or plan of action long after a smarter man would have changed directions, just to avoid admitting they had made a stupid mistake in the first place. These are the stupids that will try to cover their tracks, sweep things under couches and point blame at other people.

Finally, there are those who are smart who pretend to be stupid. Beware of this motherfucker… he’s playing you for money or he’s planning to steal all your shit. He’ll con you into doing all his dirty work for him.

These things keep me up at night.

Aug 12

Summer of Love

I’m posting over at Karl’s today. Obviously, since I am so busy, I’m just going to point you over there to read it.

You think I could manage to write two posts today? Not bloody likely.

Read it now!

 
Aug 11

Darkness

I’m lying in my bed. It’s pitch black in here; the light from my iPhone is casting a narrow band of grey light onto the wall behind my head.

The fan that I cannot sleep without is stirring the air and providing the white noise that is probably as necessary for my being able to sleep as the fact that I can not stand trying to sleep when it is hot.

My iPod is softly playing a playlist of music I’ve recently discovered as well as some cherished favorites.

It has been an incredibly long weekend, containing some pretty intense training at work and an early Sunday morning gig.

I should be sleeping. All the elements are in place.

Yet, here I am processing so many thoughts that my brain refuses to comply with my body’s cry for mercy.

How do I get out of this shifty web design project I’ve committed to?

Why do I continue tolerating relationships with people who are dishonest, oblivious, or otherwise giant time-sinks?

When will I finally get to a point in my life where I am totally financially stable and not living pay check to check?

Where should we move? How long do we have?

Why does my bedroom smell like a school locker room?

Why am I laying here in the near darkness tackling my existential crises?
Aren’t there happier thoughts to keep me company in the dark?

What happened to that guy I used to be who was inspired by everything around him?

What happened to that guy that used to inspire songs being written about him?

He’s listening to those songs and feeling nostalgic.

He’s drifting off to sleep while laying in a near perfect darkness.

Aug 06

Great…

Thanks to Gooster, I took this silly little quiz and now I’m all depressed.

Thanks, buddy! I was feeling pretty good about everything today. The sun was shining, the wind was warm, I had finally gotten the What What song out of my head… it was all looking up.

And then….

ColorQuiz.com Jester took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

“Wants to swipe aside the things that stand in his …”

Click here to read the rest of the results.