[This rambles a bit. Get over it. I'm too tired to go back and thoroughly edit it.]
There are tons of funny stories being told all over the bloody internet about the really cool, wickedly awesome, and devastatingly embarrassing things that happened at TequilaCon 08. (See Miss Britt, Avitable, or Karl for examples.)
Since I didn’t go, and have already shared my audio participation in the event, I’m going to focus on some of the navel gazing that is the inevitable result following a highly anticipated social event.
A few people (so far) have written posts about their anxiety and nervousness surrounding meeting new people. Some focused on their weight and body issues. Some focused on their perceived “exclusion” from the group of bloggers who “already knew each other.” (See Hilly or Shiny for examples.)
What I find amazing is that nearly every single one of those bloggers expressed the same thought: “I’m afraid no one will like me and I will say something wrong.”
I grew up fat, gay, and “gifted.” Contrary to popular belief, that did not make me Prom King.
I could talk to any adult. I often ate lunch with my teachers. I could not make friends with my peers. I didn’t know how to interact, always watching every thing I said. Afraid to interject anything into a conversation, mostly because of my experience of having conversations stop cold when I did.
I rarely got invited to parties, and if I did wrangle an invitation and attend, I spent the entire time watching the fun from the kitchen (eating, no doubt) or skating with my “friend’s” younger sibling.
My “best friend” and I were inseparable on weekends and at church. But we had an understanding that he would likely not talk to me during the week at school, lest he give up his status as one of the popular kids. I totally understood his reasoning and went along with it, because I thought that was the way it worked.
At some point in high school when I moved to a new town and got a fresh start, I figured out that if I played the role of the funny fat guy I’d get invited to better parties. You see that guy in all the comedies, right? He’s the guy in the toga by the beer keg. He’s the guy surrounded by all the wallflower girls with braces who have secret crushes on the quarterback. I became THAT guy.
Self-deprecating humor became my social lubricant. I would tell jokes about myself that I assumed everyone else was telling about me when I wasn’t around.
I still fall into that pattern when I’m in uncomfortable situations. I guess old habits die hard.
One of my best friends in high school was my English teacher (old habits blah blah). She was 25 and very cute. Her name was Helen. We spent a lot of time together working on drama club (drama club!?) and other extra-curricular activities. We spent so much time together in fact, that there were rumors that we were more than friends. Actually, I was interviewed by the principal and guidance counselor about it, but that’s a story for another time perhaps.
Anyway, Helen could tell I was having some trouble socially (whether she recognized I was gay or not, who knows), and one day after school she handed me a photograph.
It was of her in high school. Braces. Curly frizzy hair. Flat chested and gangly. She said, “It won’t always be like it was in high school.” And then she told me one of the wisest things I’ve ever heard someone say: “Every single person on this planet thinks of themselves as an outsider. Everyone is self-conscious about something, the way they look, their intelligence, money, something. Some people have just figured out how to pretend they aren’t.”
Maybe it was just the timing, or confirmation of something I already suspected, but it clicked with me. I can pinpoint that as the day that I figured out that it really didn’t matter whether anyone liked me or not, since they had their own problems.
I don’t have the anxieties I used to have, at least not nearly as often. But I don’t think it’s coincidental that a significant number of my relationships are contained within the internet and this blog.
I think it’s probably fair to say that most bloggers have the same sort of insecurities and social worries… it’s one of the reasons we blog. Humans need that social outlet, we just choose to do it electronically.
I didn’t make it to TequilaCon 08. I just couldn’t afford it. I WILL attend TequilaCon 09. And I hope that everyone out there who is normally too shy or self-conscious to attend events like that will suck it up and come along. I’m sure that the “group” that hangs out here on my blog are every bit as friendly and open minded in person as they seem to be online.
And if they aren’t?
Come find me next to the beer keg. I’ll be the guy wearing a toga.
Thank you for posting this. You and your “group” rock my world.
And I look forward to meeting you at the next TC or earlier.
Shinys last blog post..Rock Star…
Great post.
One of the reasons I didn’t go (even though my illness really did preclude me from going) was because of social anxiety. Some people were mad at me, and I felt I would be ostracized and people would talk about me to my face or behind my back. I felt like I would not be included with the cool kids, and that I would end up at my hotel at midnight feeling completely bad about myself.
Mostly, my decision to not go to TC was because of two people that are mad at me, or just plain don’t like me. They are friends with some of the people that I wanted to hang out with, and I feared walking into the room lest they look at me up and down and make faces at me, and make fun of me. I feared not being able to find Metalmom and others that do like me, and would end up alone because those that I do get along with would want to hang out with the cool kids, which would leave me out.
Even before I realized I was too sick to go, I wanted to pull out because of those very reasons. Around people I know in person, I am a very big extrovert. At parties, etc. But that’s when I go to a party where everyone either likes me or has never met me. In this particular situation, two popular people did not like me, and it created a tremendous amount of anxiety in me, since I knew the situation could not be rectified, as I tried to rectify the situation before going.
C’est la vie.
The Absurdists last blog post..Sappy-Ass Mother’s Day Shit
Great post. I think you’ve talked about this generally before, but this is the first you’ve gone into details that I can remember.
Bloggers who didn’t know each other met and clicked with each other pretty quickly, and while it might have seemed cliquey to a few people, I found almost every blogger I met to be friendly and awesome. It’s a very open environment, which made it very easy to mix and talk with strangers.
Avitables last blog post..A man and his penis
This was an awesome post babe.
I think Adam and I were talking about this about a week before the event. And I said pretty much the same thing your counselor said – everyone has their “thing”.
I will say this though – as adults, I don’t know if it is always a case of “pretending you don’t”, it’s more of a growing up and accepting that you do, and being OK with that.
Miss Britts last blog post..Miss Britt Goes To TequilaCon: A Photo Essay
I go everywhere expecting everyone to love me. And if they don’t, I kill them.
It works for me.
Mr. Fabulouss last blog post..You know you want it: LOL Hitler!
Funny, I’m not worried about any of that happening this weekend. Ok just a little bit. Funny how you think of yourself as the guy by the beer keg, and I see you as a cool kid.
I think in many cases, kids and adults cover their social awkwardness by making fun of those they perceive as being worse off than they are. Which makes them appear confident. Which makes other kids flock to them. And suddenly, you have a popular kid.
As for me, I’ll either be the girl huddled in a corner on the couch, or the one who is doing her best to be friendly. Because that is how I have learned to try and overcome my social awkwardness. By pretending it isn’t there. Sometimes though. Sometimes it rears it’s ugly head, and I sit on a couch all night wishing I was having as much fun as everyone else.
ginamonsters last blog post..Call back to a previous Twitter
Great post !!! Despite an obvious physical disability, it has been my good fortune to have a sense of humor and, although initially on the outside, to be welcomed into any group.
Crails last blog post..Obesity and smoking
This was excellent!
)
I went to my first online gathering in 2006, I flew from England to Seattle and was more than a bit terrified! It was one of the best experiences of my life, so much so that I went again the following year. I guess, with everything, the first time is always the hardest
Penelopes last blog post..When the rope breaks.
Oh you know me..shy, reserved. BAAAAH! I’ll be the one who you will swear is drunk off her ass but hasn’t had a drop to drink other than soda or water.
I got over social anxiety after high school by just saying to myself, “FUCK IT…there will always be people who don’t like me AND there will always be people who do. The ones who do, will the ones who don’t, won’t.”
I know that I AM goofy and LOUD and say inappropriate things and am clumsy and sometimes a little “off” (ifyaknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo.) Buttttttt (heh I said butt) I’m me. Just little ol’ me. I’m not going to change who I am to please people. Mainly because I typically dislike people in general.
Oof. Rambling.
Kentucky Girls last blog post..1
I can’t pretend to feel like I fit in. At any gathering, it shows painfully in every one of my expressions or lack there of. Putting myself in social situations despite this self-knowledge doesn’t ever seem to be a learning and growing process, it just seems to deepen my discomfort for the next social experience. It hasn’t stopped me from tying yet, but I could see myself getting to that point.
I’m not even really worried about what people think of me. I’m worried that if I open up socially they will get to see what I think of myself.
othurmes last blog post..Unhappy Lately
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I’m always floored when people who aren’t fat say that they were worried about meeting groups of people…like, because *that* is my thing, I think everyone else sails down easy street.
But I know it’s not really true. We all have that something that makes us feel separated from the rest but makes us exactly the same.
I want you and everyone else to know that I love people for who they are, not who society thinks they should be.
I just hope my friends can do the same.
Hillys last blog post..You Make Me Want To Be A Better (Wo)Man…
Shiny – I’m not even 100% sure that it’s *my* group. Some days it doesn’t seem like it, and others I feel like Sally Field winning an Oscar.
Absurdist – I gave serious consideration about the people who would be attending who would likely be angry or otherwise hostile towards me. I know there are a couple of people who fall into that category based on emails and comments around here. But there were far more people that I really wanted to meet and hang out with that I figured I could tell a couple people to kiss my fat ass and still have a great time. You should come next year, we’ll flip people off from a distance.
Avitable – I can understand how it might appear cliquey to some. But the person who was all hacked off about it didn’t seem to make any effort to interact with anyone before TQC, and from what I understand not during, either.
Miss Britt – I think in order to get to the point that you really DON’T care, you have to do a good job of pretending first.
Mr. Fabulous – Go with what works. And carry a shovel.
Ginamonster – I can’t believe you think of me as a “cool kid.” The fun will be where ever you are. And if not, we’ll just add Pudding.
Crail – I can’t imagine any group turning you away!
Penelope – That was quite a trip for a blog gathering! Hope you can make TQC next year!
Kentucky Girl – Yeah, I don’t picture you as being very shy.
Othurme – I can’t pretend to know the inner demons you deal with (other than suspecting they are similar to some I have had in my life), but I do know that you are wickedly funny, caring, honest, and welcome in any group of which I am a part. I really wish I knew some straight girls in the area to hook you up with!
Hilly – It’s amazing to me how many social disorders and tormented nights people spend because they don’t look like the models on fashion magazine covers. I’m guilty of it myself, which makes me feel even more ridiculous for letting that shit bother me. Thankfully, there are bloggers to talk to!
This reminds me of something my mother said to me when I was graduating high school and lamenting that I wasn’t as cool or as popular as I would to have liked to have been.
She said
“Be glad you weren’t because that means you would have peaked in high school. Some of those people, those are the best they are going to be for the rest of their lives, it’s all down hill from here. No one really wants to peak in high school, that would pretty much suck”
so eloquent as always! love ya mom!
This is such a good post and thank you for sharing this.
One of the things I’ve come to experience with this group of friends is that we share more–we are more honest about our feelings and expectations and fears in life.
I was heavy a major geek and social outcast. Then I grew and lost weight and went from being totally overlooked to getting attention for the wrong reasons.
I too was in drama club and band and that helped because I learned to socialize but i still carried the anxiety of people not liking me for the longest time. And I was shy about meeting new people but no one knew because I was fricking Sally Field about it.
I guess fake it til you make it works. I also think age helps.
turnbabys last blog post..IRL? WTF?
Lee – I often worry that I hit my peak just after high school and it’s all down hill from here. Great. Now I’m depressed.
Turnbaby – This is a really good group of people to be in.
Interesting post Jester. There are more people that are out there described exactly as that. I just don’t figure you as a toga and beer sort of person. Beer yes but a toga? I don’t picture it. Your icon sort of reminds me of Elmer Fudd :p Now I have nightmares of Elmer Fudd in a toga chasing a rabbit with a shotgun.
God, Jester, you hit home with me on this. I was at TC and I felt like everyone there liked me and excepted me “into their crowd”, so to speak. But as soon as I wasn’t with them anymore, the negative voice inside myself started up trying to convince me of the fact that I really wasn’t good enough for them. I despise my negative voice.
I think I will hang around here a bit. This is my first time here, I think. It is funny that we find each other on the Internet and we can all relate so well, but if I met any of you on the street, I am sure I wouldn’t walk and say, “I have a negative voice and it’s telling me that I don’t fit in and I am really insecure and that you won’t like me, but still, will you be my friend?”
Shellis last blog post..Sightseeing Saturday
I’m not sure how I missed this post Jester, but thanks to Othurme I found it. You know, you hit on one thing that I DON’T tell people, and really is the source of a lot of my anxiety. It also explains why the money issue is such a huge embarrassment to me… I’m one of those gifted people too. Totally off whatever freaking chart they use to measure your smarts. They tried to send me to UCSC at 13. I wouldn’t go because all I wanted was to be normal. Going to college at 13 wasn’t normal! So now, if I tell people I have a great brain, they look at me in shock. Who has a genuis IQ and makes 40K a year and has been homeless? Only the guy who belongs in the funny farm in a straight jacket, that’s who. I guess I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t use my talents to better myself in life, ergo I expect others to feel the same way about me.
You prolly guessed about my brain huh? The way I can’t let go of the stupid WordPress problems? LOL Grrrr. I hate it when something isn’t logical.
I dunno… I think I can manage to meet everyone if only I have the wherewithal to get myself to whatever event it is. You’ve probably released me from my last real barrier by saying the G word.
Winters last blog post..Thursday Thirteen the Thirteenth
Hey Jester:
Man, I missed you on last night! I called but you didn’t answer. Were you The Thing on last night? I surely hope so. How are things on this fine Thursday? I can hardly wait until tomorrow and I can say bye bye to this place. Take care my man. Tell my sweet girl Britt I said hello.
The Doctor
oh my dear jester, you are wonderful and worthy. probably because of the shit you dealt with when you were younger. all i know is that i couldn’t love you more if you were covered in chocolate. and you don’t have to put yourself down with “fat humor” to make me feel that way.
hello haha narfs last blog post..HNT – My Fourth Half Nekkid Thursday Post Is LATE
IP – I’m actually far more likely to wear a toga than be all about a beer. I don’t like it. Be vewwy vewwy qwiet… I’m hunting wabbits.
Shelli – Yeah, I think if you walked up to me on the street and said something like that, I might look at you funny. Here, you can’t see me looking at you funny.
That’s a joke. 
Tell your negative voice I’ll come and kick her ass if she doesn’t cut that shit out.
Winter – Believe me I know what you mean. There were all these expectations on me to be great, and now that I’m not, it’s a big source of guilt and anxiety. I fear I may always have tremendous “potential.”
The Doctor – Sorry I wasn’t here to answer the phone. I was out having a life.
hello – Are you saying you want me to be covered in chocolate?