Mar 31

Caption Me

Here’s your Caption Me post for the week…

Boobs and hoops

Here’s my entry: “Umm.. honey… this belt doesn’t seem to be working…”

Mar 30

Guest Post: Mom Sends a Forward

I received this via email this morning from my mom. I decided it was funny enough to count as a guest post.

I get to do that because it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.

—————————————————

It was fun being a baby boomer… until now. Some of the artists of the
60’s are revising their hits with new lyric to accommodate aging baby
boomers.

They include:

Herman’s Hermits— Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr— I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees— How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin— Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.

Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash— I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores— Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye— Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem— A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer— You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations— Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba— Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando— Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore —- It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:

Willie Nelson— On the Commode Again!

Mar 28

First Amendment 1, Wal-Mart 0

In case you missed it, there was quite a spectacular discussion on my post from the other day that included a youtube video by Phil DeFranco urging everyone to boycott Wal-Mart.

A local blogger who was a personal acquaintance of mine, completely shit the bed and accused me of “ignorance,” stating that it was “Sad when people criticize a company they know nothing about.”

*ahem*

He also complains that none of my Wal-Mart posts contain any source information or facts to back up my arguments. Never minding the fact that the post he was commenting on clearly contained a link to a CNN article about the poor woman that is being forced to hand over her $470,000 settlement to a company that makes 90 BILLION dollars every quarter.

In the ensuing ruckus, he managed to clearly imply that I am also a hypocrite for denouncing the WalMart* corporation, and then posting Friday Hotness photos which some how supports the porn industry which is just as evil.

*scratches head*

You can read the entire exchange on the original post, but it basically ended with this blogger IM Bombing** me with:

10:25 soundwavematthew: You know, Jester, I used to think you were a good guy. Now I see you’re a pompous, self-righteous asshole.
10:25 soundwavematthew disconnected

I really only mention this because another Wal-Mart article came across my feed reader today that gives me a smug sense of satisfaction, even if it is over a relatively small issue: copyright and trademark infringement.

From The Public Citizen(look there! Another link to a source!):

WalOCaust

[Charles] Smith, a Conyers resident, created designs critical of Wal-Mart that merged Wal-Mart’s name with the word “holocaust” and a star, and arranged for CafePress.com, a California company, to put the design on T-shirts, hats, bumper stickers and other items for sale that he sold on the Internet. Smith reserved the domain name and arranged for his items to be sold on CafePress.com.

In December 2005, Wal-Mart sent a letter and e-mail to Smith asserting ownership of trademarks in the name Wal-Mart, the star and the “smiley face” the company uses. The company threatened to sue Smith for infringing and diluting its trademarks and demanded he stop selling his items. Wal-Mart also demanded that Smith stop using the domain name “walocaust.com” and transfer it to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart made a similar threat to CafePress.com, which immediately stopped making and selling Smith’s items.

From Citizen Vox.Org (Oh lord! Another one!):

[Today] a federal judge told Wal-Mart that nobody in their right mind would buy their trademark infringement claims.

Political and social parody, like the type Charles Smith of Conyers, Ga. uses at his www.walocaust.com and www.walqaeda.com sites, is a cherished tradition that goes back to the founding of this country. If Wal-Mart had won, think of the impact the ruling might have had on blogs, artists, photographers and writers who use parody to criticize companies.

In other words, big corporations do not have the power to suppress the free speech of citizens by attempting to stop the use of their “trademarks” in parody or critical works.

Which means CafePress needs to let me sell my Shitty Coffee tee shirts again.

Life is Too Short To Drink Shitty Coffee

* I realize that I switch between several variations of the name WalMart, some hyphenated, some not, some spaced, some not. That’s so ALL the possible combinations can be found by the Google, not because I’m mental.

** The IM Bomb is the online equivalent of slamming a door, or hanging up the phone before you give the other party the opportunity to respond. It’s high on my list of pet peeves, along with being patronized, having my intelligence questioned, or being called a hypocrite. Radio Matthew was batting 75%.

Mar 27

The Jester Show for March 26, 2008

Wow this was a fun show!

My special guest was the phenomenal Ginamonster. We spent the first hour or so discussing a wide variety of topics including:

and then we got down to business…

Announcing the birth of the Jestertunes Pudding Wrestling Federation!

Picture it: Ginamonster and Hellohahanarf wrestling in a wading pool full of chocolate pudding.

I know the straight men just gasped and their eyes glazed over.

I am going to make this happen. Hellohahanarf will be coming to Reno in May. Gina lives in Reno. I’m 2.5 hours from Reno. Othurme will make the journey (he’s graciously offered to provide the pudding) and will referree the event. Dickie Maxx will video tape it.

Maybe I can get next week’s guest, Dave from Blogography to fly out for the event. Mr. Fabulous and Avitable should come too.

Ooo… I should totally get Lisa to bring her fabulous coin slot along, too. (She’s going to kill me for the last 10 minutes of the show.)

Let me apologize for the dead air around the 1.5 hour mark. I swear BlogTalkRadio hates me. My call got disconnected (twice) and when I called back in, it told me I was already on the line. Apparently I can be in two places at once. I really need Mr. Fabulous to tell me how he consistently sounds good and doesn’t get disconnected… and how he makes his BTR page look so good.

Here are the links we discussed:

And the mud wrestling video:

and the Brewer Twins:

The Brewer Twins

We *barely* talked about the focus topic about Internet Dating.

Thanks to everyone for participating! Please stop by and leave a comment or rate the show on my blogtalkradio page.

Mar 27

American Idol 7: Top Ten Results

American IdolIt’s time to send someone home. As you might have guessed, I wasn’t overly impressed with last night’s show.

I want so badly to see Kristy Lee Cook go home tonight, but she won’t. And if she DID, she’d sing that *shudder* song again. So, really, I’m rooting for her to stick around this week. How fucked up is that?

One of my favorite Idol contestants from any season, Kimberley Locke, is performing tonight. You’ll remember she finished in third place behind Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken in Season Two.

Ok. Dreaded group number. “Right Back Where We Started From” is the song. Idiot McFucknut was the choreographer. Please, the guys couldn’t look more uncomfortable doing these little dance steps.

Well… except for Archuleta… he’s rather… enthusiastic.

And now for a gigantic iTunes commercial.

Seriously. REALLY LONG iTunes commercial.

Finally time to get to some results.

Chikezie Eze learns his fate first. He’s in the bottom three tonight.

Brooke White is up next, and thankfully, she is safe!

Carly Smithson comes out next. She lets everyone know that she’s not pregnant, then she moves to the sofa, safe for another week.

David Archuleta comes out and with little fanfare is declared safe.

David Cook makes his way center stage and is safe, of course.

Syesha Mercado is next, and somewhat perplexingly, is placed into the bottom three.

Michael Johns’s Queen performance last night was enough to pass him through to next week.

I really hope that everyone realizes how shitty this “American calls in” portion of the show really is. Hate it with the fire of a thousand burning rashes in my nether regions.

Kimberley Locke is up next! I absolutely love her. Her album was the best thing to come out of Season Two. Man she looks AMAZING. She’s 40 pounds lighter and her hair and makeup are flawless. I got to see her live a couple of years ago at the San Francisco Gay Pride festival. She was fantastic live. This performance makes me sad she’s not competing this year.

Idol Gives Back. Blah blah blah.

Back to the results, Ramiele Malubay is surprisingly safe and moves on to next week.

Kristy Lee Cook and Jason Castro are the last two standing. Kristy Lee Cook is safe. Jason Castro is in the bottom three.

The Bottom Three:
Chikezie
Jason Castro
Syesha Mercado

Jason is declared safe and moves on to the couch. YAY!

Syesha is safe.

Chikezie is going home.

I agree he was pretty weak last night, but he was definitely better than KLC or Ramiele.

Do you think the voters got this right?
American Idol Season 7 Top Nine

Mar 26

More on the Evils of Wal-Mart

Dickie Maxx sent me the link to this video. I would have found it eventually, because I love Phil DeFranco’s YouTube entries. Anyway… you know how I feel about Wal-Mart. Pay attention to this, though…

From Phil:

If you’re down for a 5-10 minute project, I ask you send the following to everyone you know in your email address book, myspace page, facebook page/group, twitter ect:
——————————-
If you have not already heard, Walmart has decided to take $470,000 from Debbie Shank, a 52 year old mother of three (One of her sons recently died in Iraq), who was involved in a terrible car accident crippling her short term memory, leaving her in a wheelchair, and in a nursing home.

Because of the fine print of Walmarts health insurance plan, since Debbie was involved in a car accident and was awarded the money to take care of the tragic aftermath, they are entitled to take all the money that was supposed to go to taking care of Debbie.

THEY ACTUALLY WANT $470,000 from this handicapped woman in a wheelchair, who needs it to be taken care of in the future. This coming from a company that made $90 billion last quarter…

I’m asking for you to stop buying from Walmart, and to pass on this story and link to everyone you know.

Read the WalMart story here.

Mar 26

American Idol 7: The Top Ten Perform

American IdolThe American Idol Season Seven Top Ten are ready to perform.

Hopefully, we’re able to shake off the dust and bad juju from a second week of Beatles tunes and are able to have a knockout show. The theme tonight is: Songs from the year the contestant was born. Oh lord. I feel old already.

I’m not sure what Paula is trying to hide under those hideous gloves, but I doubt it could be as ugly as the gloves.

Ramiele Malubay was born in 1987. I was 12. I was just about to have my first hit from a bong and get drunk on wine coolers. She’s picked “Alone” by Heart. How many times has this song been performed on Idol? Eleventy-million.* And every single performance of it prior to tonight was way better. Ramiele’s pitch is all over the place and the power notes remind me of the time Zipper got her toe caught in the garbage disposal. Terrible. Just terrible. Randy didn’t like it. Paula tried to excuse her performance based on the fact that Ramiele is sick this week. I’d buy that if she were always a top performer. Simon thinks it was ok enough to send her through to next week.

Jason Castro was also born in 1987. He picked “Fragile” by Sting. He’s got his guitar back tonight which makes him seem much less awkward than he does when in a group number or sans axe. I can’t say much more about his performance than I’ve said in the past. I’d buy his cd and see his concert right now. I like his style, I like his voice, and I like that he connects to nearly everything he chooses. The chorus on this song could use some work, but I’m already a fan. Randy thought it was “nice.” Paula didn’t think there was anything “wow” about it, but it was good. Simon thought it was bad. He doesn’t think Jason is taking this seriously enough. It was “too laid back.” Simon needs to smoke a J.

Syesha Mercado is another 1987 baby. She chose “If I Were Your Woman”. This might be my favorite performance from her. She seems to have some familiarity with the song, unlike other performances in the past. It was beautiful. Randy called it her best performance they’ve seen from her. Paula thinks just became the “dark horse.” Simon called it the “best so far.” Which doesn’t mean much since there were only three performances ahead of her. I don’t think Syesha can win the competition, but it’s good to see her have a great week.

Chikezie Eze was born in 1985. The year of “Back to The Future.” “If Only For One Night” by Luther Vandross is his song choice. This is the Chikezie that I can’t stand. I don’t have a big appreciation for the “smooth jazz” sound of Luther and Peabo Bryson… I can understand the appeal, I just don’t subscribe to that channel. This song totally came off as cheesy and lounge-y. I didn’t like it at all. Randy didn’t like it. Paula did, she thought it was a great throwback. Simon thought he sang it well, but he called “cheesy.” Ripping off my words again. Othurme calls him “WeakCheezy.” I love it.

Brooke White was born in 1983. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was the biggest thing around. Plus this Police song “Every Breath You Take” that Brooke has chosen. She sang the first three notes in the wrong key and restarted in the right key. A minor blip that she handled pretty well. She’s behind the piano again. She tamed the arrangement down a bit for the first verse and then brought it up a bit for the chorus. Again, not much I can say that I haven’t said. I love her. Very much. I want her to win. Randy didn’t like the arrangement. Paula said she was unique and already famous. Simon agreed with Randy. He said that if the tempo hadn’t changed and she’d kept it a piano solo song it would have been brilliant. I thought it was fantastic.

Michael Johns was born in 1978. Someone from my decade at least. The year of “Grease” and “Jaws.” He picked “We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions” by Queen. I hated the We Will Rock You portion of the song. We Are The Champions was much better, and save for a few iffy notes it was a great performance. He’s a good looking guy with a decent voice who certainly deserves to stick around long enough to get rid of a few others. Randy loved it. Paula said, “This was the exact right song.” Simon said, “This is the first time I’ve seen you and thought ‘Star Potential’.”

Carly Smithson is another 1983 baby. She’s picked a song very dear to me, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler. I still think Carly has the best voice this season. She flubbed some of the lyrics, but nothing anyone else would notice. The ending run was a bit off. Randy didn’t like it. Paula loved it. Simon thought she was too tense. Even at her worst, Carly still sings circles around everyone else.

David Archuleta was born in 1990. Ouch. I was a sophomore in high school. He picked “You’re The Voice” by John Farnham. I don’t know this song. I have no idea what this song is. I know John Farnham, but whatever. It seemed too much like a Tent-Revival performance to me. I expected people to start shouting in tongues and jumping pews. David has a fine voice, but this was just, well… ugh. He’s not doing anything that exciting or singing it that well. Here’s the problem: David is just too young to have any idea who he is (a girlfriend in the audience? WHATEVER) as a person or a performer. He’s being directed by his father, if you believe the news reports and gossip rags, and it’s hard to know how much you see is David, and how much is David’s dad’s idea of who David should be.

Kristy Lee Cook was born in in 1984. The year Van Halen ruled the Universe. She picked the cheesiest, uber-patriotic ugh ugh ugh ugh “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood. God I hate this SO much I want to set my television on fire, hunt down Lee Greenwood and make him bitch slap the holy living hell out of Kristy. This was such a calculated intentionally manipulative choice. There is no way she will be voted off the show the week she sings this flag-waving rah-rah Go America mantra. Randy has lost his fucking mind. Paula tried to find a good way to say she hated it. Simon called it her best performance by a mile, and he called it the most “clever song choice ever.”

Here’s a little blurb of the conversation Othurme and I had while watching this horror show:

Jester: just kill me now, but stab me through the ear drums first

Othurme: It was her best performance, but that’s not saying much

Jester: what??

Othurme: She sang something better? I didn’t say I liked it

Jester: anything. ANYTHING was better than this

Othurme: You think all of her performances were better? I don’t. She’s still terrible

Jester: i’d rather listen to a loop of her country eight days a week than sit through that again.

Othurme: I can arrange that

Jester: i’d rather you boiled the skin off my face in my sleep than listen to that again.

Othurme: Also arrangeable

Jester: You’re a pal.

David Cook was born in 1982. The same year as my little brother. The year of “Rosanna” by Toto. The year of Def Leppard’s “Pyromania.” He picked “Billie Jean” by Michael Jackson via the Chris Cornell cover. David’s voice is fantastic tonight. Truly stellar. Best performance of the night, without question. I don’t like that everyone acts like he’s coming up with these fantastic arrangements, when he’s not. I’m not saying it wasn’t a great performance, but it’s not exactly as “original” as he gets credited for. Randy thinks he might be the one to win the whole show. Paula couldn’t say enough nice things. Simon said, “That could have either been insane or amazing. It was amazing.”

Here’s my recap:

Safe:

Jason Castro
Syesha Mercado
Michael Johns
David Cook
David Archuleta

Danger Danger:

Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Chikezie
Kristy Lee Cook

Bye Bye:

Ramiele Malubay -Should be KLC

Anyone else want to weigh in with their opinions?

* I counted. This is the official number.

Mar 25

The Jester Show Topic Announcement

This week, my special guest is the lovely and talented Ginamonster!

Our focus topic for the last half of the show or so is: Internet dating: horrific or the only way to go?

If you can’t call in and participate live, call in to the Jestertunes Listener Line: (415) 578-3249 and leave your comments or questions for use during the show.

Remember the show is starting at a new time: 7PM Pacific on Wednesday.

Join us at blogtalkradio!