I have found the perfect gift for any occasion.
Did you know that not only is Jesus a fantastic Running Back:
He’s also a brilliant Center:
An avid golfer:
He’s also a white belt:
And a master of the totally heterosexual sport of gymnastics:
Oh. And he’s a ballerina:
From the Catholic Shopper website:
These statues portray Jesus actively participating with boys and girls in a variety of sports. A wonderful way to reinforce Jesus “as friend” in everyday activities. Sizes vary from 4 3/4 to 6 1/2 inches.
Apparently Jesus isn’t too hip with hanging with the homeboys at the b-ball court or with the Chess Club:
Many customers have requested these Jesus Sport Statues depicting children other than Caucasian and playing other sports; we have expressed these requests to manufacturers and importers. When and if other statues are available, CatholicShopper.com will carry them.
Jesus was playing football with unsafe footwear. That’s a bad example for the children.
Avitable’s last blog post…It’s genetic
that one of jesus helping the kids golf looks like something that would cause fabby to comment along the lines of “jesus loves all of the children.”
damn him. fab has ruined me.
Jesus was only a white belt?!?
It appears as though my six-year-old could have kicked Jesus’ ass…
This is not good. It gives me more ideas for sculpey Jesus posts, which result in more hate mail. Sigh…
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post…Because sometimes you don’t want to read a lot of words?
Is it me, or on the golf one, does it look like Jesus is about to get a hand job?
CRAP. someone stole my comment.
The Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
There isn’t one where Jesus isn’t touching the kids and almost all of them borderline in appropriately.
I bet these are a big hit with the Fathers.
You might as well call it The Altar Boy Collection.
othurme’s last blog post…My Favorite Episode Of Friends…
Conan O’Brien did a whole segment on these way back in 2002. I still have the tape around here somewhere…it’s something I should upload to YouTube.
Radio Matthew’s last blog post…Domino’s Pizza Allows Ordering & Tracking Online
Jester and the rest of the Booty boys! how are you guys doing? Talk to me. How do you stand to get your booty done?
Booty boys? WTFrak? who dat is?
Avitable – Not only that, but he’s hiding his sinewy smooth legs under that robe.
hello – Like you wouldn’t have thought that all on your own.
Midleah – He couldn’t go any further up the belt classes. He kept getting his ass kicked. Something about turning the other cheek?
Mr. Fabulous – Hate mail is good, right?
Absurdist – On a slightly similar topic…. I wonder if Jesus’ sperm only contained half the DNA it should have…?
othurme – The “Altar Boy Collection” is similar… only Jesus is wearing a 6″ tall, slightly rounded, pointy hat.
Radio Matthew – Damn that Conan O’Brien for being on the cutting edge of comedy. Always 10 steps ahead of me. *shaking fist* Damn You Conan O’Brien!!!
Bustier – You’re getting creative with your login names now… describing what you’re wearing? I’m sure it looks great with the fishnet stockings you are wearing under your “man’s manly” blue jeans and chaps.
Lee – I’ll give you three guesses.
CC or MM?
Oh good Joss and Jane…is that loser back?
Lee – I’m not sure there is a distinction between the two. I think they are both personalities of the same freakshow.
Sly – Good Joss and Jane?!?
Yeah, my “deities”….Joss Whedon and Jane Austen. I am a huge geek….
now now kids… nothing offensive has been said(yet). So let’s keep our wits about us like the rational adults we are…
Sly – I think that’s pretty mild on the geek scale… now if you were totally into Battlestar Galactica or dating someone into Anime…
Lee – I believe we were called “booty boys.” And I”m also pretty sure “How can you stand to get done in the booty” wasn’t meant as a jovial greeting. Maybe I’m just cynical.
Uhhhh…I frakking love Battlestar Gallactica…..Lee and I get all excited about it together…..
Well, I guess I don’t take booty boys to be all that offensive…
But since he asked, why don’t we tell him/her/it what it feels like to be ‘done in the booty’… I’m sure some of the girls can chime in too… sly?
Lee – I say we stop pretending like he doesn’t already know what it feels like.
othurme’s last blog post…My Favorite Episode Of Friends…
BSG is so frakkin awesome! I wanna be butt buddies with Captain Apollo!
Okay booty boys. Now cut that shit out. And I will have you know that I manage a sci-fi group in the dallas area, and I am responsible for sci-fi movie and game night, and if you fuck with me when I am watching BSG then you are a dead person.
Maybe that’s why I can’t get laid. Oh, and slut over at Killer had some good ideas for me today.
Anyhoo, why is booty boys not a happy greeting? It sounds kinda fun to me. I need to come up with a nickname for you guys anyway.
I like the alter boy idea. Fab, why don’t you create a whole sculpy alter boys, but you can have Jesus and the catholic priests fucking while alter boys suck on the priests balls, and God is giving the pope a hand job.
Whatcha think?
Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
… and then absurdist just became the next ChiChi laRue
The Absurdist– Lee and I truly do love BSG. If I weren’t already in a lifelong commitment with Buffy, I might say it was the best show I have seen.
Okay, first of all, I can’t believe you made me go to a gay porn site to figure out who this fucking ChiChi laRue is.
Second of all, am I really that ugly???
I would direct porn. It probably pays more than I make right now; or did as a consultant…
Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
Don’t worry, ChiChi LaRue is fabulous and makes some incredibly raunchy movies! I support you in your bid to direct porn. I have some great ideas for booze themed porn titles….
Sly – Yeah, and he’s dating someone into Anime… that was the joke.
Lee – You go first, Lee. Describe to me in detail exactly what it feels like to be ‘done in the booty.’
othurme – I was thinking the very same thing.
Lee – I never really liked the term “butt buddies.” I prefer “anal acquaintances.”
Absurdist – There’s nothing wrong with being into Sci-Fi. It makes you a geek. There’s nothing wrong with being a geek. But, kudos to you for putting what may be the most disturbing search term on my blog to date: “pope hand job.” *shiver*
Lee – bwahahaha
Sly – I came to Buffy WAY late. I really need to borrow the series from you.
Absurdist – I’m sure Lee wasn’t referring to your looks when he compared you to Chi Chi Larue. I’m certain he was referring to the disturbing imagery of priests tea-bagging alter boys. Great. There’s another phrase for the google.
Sly – You must share your booze themed porn titles….
Yes, I am just reading up on him/her. Actually, a fairly respected director, requiring condoms and stuff.
Also has a new dildo and sex toy line out. Now THAT is something I would actually be good at… Designing sex toys. I’m actually not kidding. I know what works and what doesn’t, what’s missing, and they have GOT to start making them last longer than a year. My vibrator has been a dildo for two fucking years, and because they are so expensive to replace, I just haven’t gotten around to it. All my other damned toys are broken too.
The Asians can’t manufacture anything right; even sex toys.
Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
Wait. Us heteros can tell you what it feels like to take it in the butt too. You take the whole fucking color spectrum, and now you think you are the ultimate authority on taking it up the ass.
Geez. You guys are pompous asses.
Oooo there we go. We can call you the PompA’s, like a gang, for pompous asses.You can get rainbow tattoos for your gang sign. And the nice thing is you don’t have to worry about gang colors, cuz you took the WHOLE FUCKING COLOR SPECTRUM.
Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
“priests tea-bagging alter boys” *dies* (and promptly goes to hell)
Alright, let’s see…they are all champagne/porn related (my favorite things)
Veuve-clit-oh! (Veuve Clicquot)
Laurent on Perrier (Laurent Perrier)
Piper Hides-dick (Pipier Heidesick)
Balls-in-her (Bollinger)
Nicholas Feel-that (Nicholas Feuillatte)
Pummel me (Pommery)
And this list goes on because I am that kinda perv.
Frak, I forgot
Louis Rode-her (Lois Roederer–of Cristal fame!)
Absurdist – You know what would save wear and tear on your vibrators? Wait.. this is a multiple choice answer, choose your own punchline… A) Find a penis attached to a straight guy. B) Stop blowing it first, your teeth wreak havoc on the finish. C) Remove that chastity belt. I don’t think the problem is with Asian manufacturers. I think the problem is that manufacturers don’t want you to buy a vibrator that lasts 5 years. They want to sell you one every 6 months.
Oh… and you’ll notice below that Lee also asked for Sly’s opinion on what it feels like to be done in the booty. The heterosexual perspective was already solicited. The gays haven’t taken the entire color spectrum… just Red Orange Yellow Green Blue and Violet. And pink.
Sly – hahahaha. I like Laurent on Perrier, seems like it should be a french film. How about Corbin’s Canyon for another one?
Veuve-clit-oh is my personal favorite, but really, I think with all of the money we are going to make on our rapture scheme, we can totally start this new booze/porn business. Corbin’s Canyon, also excellent…
(Isn’t Lee sweet to ask for my opinion on booty lovin’?)
Well, like, how the fuck am I supposed to know Sly’s not gay?
Second of all, if I actually USED my vibrator (ehem, dildo) as much as I actually needed it, it would be all busted up after three months. Even at $150 a pop easily, I just don’t want to prorate a vibrator out at about a buck a day.
Third, haven’t you gotten it through your big ole’ thick brain that for five years I haven’t been able to find a guy or be in a relationship? I CAN’T FIND a penis with a hetero man attached to it that finds me remotely interesting. Yeah, go figure, cuz you know what a barbie I am, and how incredibly intriguing I am. I mean, what man wouldn’t want me?
Third, I don’t enjoy giving head unless I get my protein for the day. It doesn’t do anything for me unless there is enjoyment on the other end. I can’t imagine my vibrator getting any enjoyment out of getting a blow job, since it’s really broke down and tired from everything else.
Here’s a couple more for search terms:
Mary was the spawn of satan, and Jesus was a curse on Mary for fucking Beelzebub. Mary really liked fucking the devil.
Let’s see, what else:
Thailand boys make great anal buddies because they are trained from about 1 year old butt fuck anyone, even a woman who asks for it up the ass. Nothing like fresh, raw meat.
Abducted sex whores in Bangkok
Tijuana donkey show
Mom and daughter sex shows for foreigners
Forced impregnation
Non-human and non-consentual sex
Anime rape
Cum explodes on woman’s face
Butkaki (spelling?)
shit white for a week
subserviant asian whore found chained in bird cage forced to have have sex with Chinese Embassy
Well, at least, that’s about what I can come up with from the literotica I have read. I mean, I could come up with a lot more, but I figure that’s enough search terms for today.
Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
That is some of the best stuff I have seen in months.
EEK!
Dildos and Satan and Butt Love, Oh MY!
ginamonster’s last blog post…I’ve been trapped in a lot of pipe dreams
Sorry guys, I am having major inet connection problems. Well, not me. The big wans in the sky.
Probably because of my bogus blog today. God hates me.
Plus, it went down as soon as I started posting this stuff.
See? It’s bad karma, and I don’t understand it, because I don’t think there’s anything wrong some of the above (the consensual and non-child stuff).
Absurdist’s last blog post…Some help: Why cold weather affects your internet connection
Sly – Indeed he’s sweet for asking your opinion on the booty love. He’s evil for sending me the surveillance video.
Absurdist – You should know that I’m already the foremost expert on Tijuana Donkey Shows thanks to Avitable.
Karen – Welcome! We’re just getting started. Just wait until the fundies find this post!
Gina – Isn’t that the plot to “The Wizard of Balls?”
Absurdist – There’s nothing WRONG with any of that stuff. Thinking makes it so.
did bustier get quiet or did you shut em down? coz i’ll talk anal sex with em.
abs, i think you need to try a cheap vibrator. i’ve had all of mine for quite a while and there is no fucken way i would pay $150 for one! use two cheap ones at the same time. it’s all good!
Hello – Maybe what Abs needs is a photographic demonstration. If you want to email it to me, I’ll forward it to her for you.
othurme’s last blog post…My Favorite Episode Of Friends…
othurme, i probably should not admit that i just so happen to have the photos you suggest…
Could be. Let’s write it. We’ll make the Tin Man shaped like a penis. Dorothy can be a dominatrix, the cowardly lion her “pet” and the scarecrow? he likes to watch.
ginamonster’s last blog post…My long affair with Wally
hello – I didn’t shut em down. My guess is he’s gone back home to find that his home ip address is still blocked. I love that he has to go out to get on my blog. What is the sound of two vibrators buzzing?
othurme – the most magnanimous offering I’ve heard all day.
hello – umm… that’s a fact I can’t unlearn now. But you know the rule… if there are pics flying around, I need a copy.
Ginamonster – You know, that’s curiously similar to the real premise of The Wizard of Oz….
Okay, these totally skeeve me out. I am getting such a pedophile vibe that I feel like I need a shower and therapy now. blech.
Mel-O-Drama’s last blog post…other picture options…
Jester, Maybe…
I wonder why Jesus doesn’t play Roller Derby? (It’s all about Derby lately, sorry) Or Field Hockey? Softball?
I don’t think Jesus likes strong women.
ginamonster’s last blog post…Meme from craig
Mel-O-Drama – I think “skeeve” is my new favorite word.
Ginamonster – Judging by these statues, I’m guessing Jesus isn’t too fond of any women, strong or not.