Oct 31

Halloweenies

Apparently superheroes aren’t allowed to wear underwear.

Apparently these guys are the stars of some show called The Hills. I know nothing of the program, but this show is worth staring at for a bit.

Enjoy your Halloween festivities.

batman-robin.jpg

Robin’s crotch

Spiderman’s Schlong

Oct 30

Not for the squeamish…

Avitable posted a really foul, disgusting, horrifying, and generally reprehensible video the other day.

Avitable himself admitted to only being able to watch 20 seconds of it. That should tell you something.

I was able to watch the whole thing and while I did feel repulsed, it didn’t make me sick to my stomach like it did many other people who saw it.

You may remember that I was once a paramedic who has seen nearly everything. And I’ve been doused with just about every imaginable fluid in the line of duty. It wasn’t pleasant, but it came with the territory. It takes a lot to “bug” me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not advising you to check out the infamous video. If you are even mildly curious as to the content of the video, you need only read the comments on Avi’s post for a “blow by blow” so to speak.

All of that being said, there’s a video that has been floating around for a little while that makes me squirm.

It involves a curious little creature called the “Bot Fly.” The bot fly larva enters the body via a mosquito bite, where it grows and develops for up to eight weeks.

Under your skin.

The larva secretes an antibiotic that keeps the wound open and infection free for breathing access. Your only options to get rid of it are either to let it mature and leave your body all on its own, or, you could place duct tape over the wound to cut off the larva’s air supply and bring it closer to the surface where you can slowly pull it out. This process is complicated, since the larva’s body is covered in rings of backward-facing spines.

This video might illustrate the issue much clearer than I can.

I know I’m a day early for Halloween, but that shit is scary.

Oct 25

Charmin Bears and the Great Toilet Paper Debate

Am I the only person who is actually a bit disgusted by the cutesy “Charmin Bears” toilet paper commercials?

I’ve always found them somewhat disturbing, what with the scenes of Daddy Bear standing behind Baby Bear and correcting him on the amount of toilet paper he should use. I’m all for teaching your children how to properly wipe their asses, and how to not clog the toilet, but do I need to see an animated cartoon about it?

The latest iteration of the Charmin Bear Saga [sorry, YouTube doesn’t have it yet] discusses how “inferior” brands leave “pieces of tissue behind.” This is illustrated by a big blue bear turning around and showing half a dozen white paper dingleberries all over his ass. It’s as if he had a horrible shaving accident. Sure, it’s not graphic, but remember, the point they are making is that YOUR brand of toilet paper leaves tiny stink-filled lint balls of paper on your ass. And if you follow the thought process here, the use of a BEAR also brings to mind a large fuzzy guy in a leather harness with toilet paper dingleberries dangling from his ass crack hair.

Did you just throw up a little in your mouth? Me too.

Dear God, I think I’d rather hear about feminine itching and odor than watching these disgusting “shit cartoons” with catchy jingles.

And then there’s this other fairly new commercial featuring the Charmin Bears:

I have many questions.

First… if you’re in that desperate need of a bathroom (as evidenced by the worried looks they give each other) why are you running along a beach? Is the beach setting supposed to give us a sense of calm? If so, looking like they might poop themselves at any moment doesn’t really give me a relaxed feeling. It actually makes me uncomfortable for them.

Second, have any of you ever been on a beach with an outhouse on it? If you’re near a public beach, there’s usually an actual bathroom nearby. I worry about the seepage of the outhouse… are they set over lined tanks, or is the … stuff… just going into the sand?

Third, I thought it was pretty common knowledge that bears shit in the woods. I didn’t know they required the privacy of their own enclosed meditation space.

Question the fourth, how does a Charmin Bear reach his own ass to use toilet paper anyway? Their arms are way too short to reach, which leads me to believe they would be better off saving all that money they spend on expensive toilet tissue and buying a bidet instead.

Finally, what is the point of “ULTRA STRONG” toilet paper? What EXACTLY are you doing with your toilet paper that brings up an issue of strength? Are you planning to braid it into a rope and use it to climb out of the window? Do you need to lasso the Republican Senator in the next stall to hold him until the police arrive?

Are you having issues with your fingernails poking through? If so, the problem is not with your brand of toilet paper. Are you eating rocks and the residual pebbles are so tough that it rips ordinary tissue to shreds?

I can understand bringing up the issue of “softness.” I mean, I’ve used toilets in the Soviet Union. I do believe they use their toilet paper to refinish floors there. So the idea of using a brand that is NOT like #4 sandpaper is appealing to me. However, all these images of Charmin Bears using “ultra-soft” toilet paper as a pillow or as a landing mat for a high fall seems to directly contradict their “use less” campaign. The amount of toilet paper necessary to make an adequate stunt landing pad would cost roughly eleventy-thousand dollars.

Clearly the Charmin Bears aren’t made of money, since they aren’t even wearing pants, nor can they afford indoor plumbing. Which also brings to mind the question, where do the Charmin Bears shop? Is there an animated Bear-Mart somewhere that is stocked full of nothing but toilet paper which seems to be the only worldly possession the Charmin Bear family needs? If there is, why do they need a commercial, since the Charmin Bears are so enamored with the Charmin brand? You would think the commercial would be more effective if the Charmin Bears were using another brand. Angel Soft perhaps?

Don’t even get me started on the whole cherubic baby angel images being paired with the product used to clean your bunghole.

While we’re on the subject, can I just put this issue to bed right now?

Toilet Paper Goes OVERToilet paper goes on the roll in the OVER position, so that it nicely cascades when you give the roll a healthly down-ward slap. If you put the roll on backwards, you end up having to dig under the roll with your nail to get a grip on the end of it. That is clearly inferior.

* Are any of you even remotely concerned at the amount of thought I’ve given these stupid animated bears?

Oct 25

Heard on My Name Is Earl tonight…

Joy: “What’s a Jay-peg, what’s downloading, and why am I holding a picture of myself crapping my pants again?”

This may be the best season of Earl yet. Same with The Office. Hysterical.

Any one else addicted?

Oct 23

Jester and Lisa should be in advertising…

Jester: random item: my iPod is in a FANTASTIC mood today
Lisa: ha…why is that
Jester: i don’t know… it’s on shuffle but is picking GREAT songs…usually I skip a lot
Lisa: I love it when that happens
Jester: or it gets in Country mood
Lisa: ha
Jester: it was in classical mood on Friday
Lisa: ooh that’s not so great
Jester: today it’s playing all this really groovy upbeat stuff
Lisa: that’s awesome. I have just been listening to the new songs for Total Eclipse on repeat

[snip conversation all about Billy Squire]

Jester: Did you mention you want Total Eclipse to do Bon Jovi’s You Give Love a Bad Name?
Lisa: YES
Jester: i heard it this morning on my happy iPod and was like.. yeah, we could do this
Lisa: we totally could
Jester: it’s playing Love Shack right now… seriously it’s happy. I don’t know how else to explain it
Lisa: ha…it sure is! maybe it got some last night…did you notice any other electronics in a particularly good mood?
Jester: Well my alarm clock DID seem a bit spritely this morning
Lisa: HAAA
Jester: I wonder if I can encourage them to do that more often and perhaps multiply? i could be rich!
Lisa: what puts electronics in the mood?
Jester: I did hear a Barry White song last night
Lisa: ha!
Jester: and you know he has a powerful hold over the sexual universe
Lisa: it’s true… that’s baby making music
Jester: maybe when I get home there will be an iPod Nano waiting for me
Lisa: HAAAA! what’s the gestation period though? Maybe you’ll get one in a few months
Jester: I don’t know… perhaps I could encourage a menage a trois with the phone and get an iPhone out of the deal next summer
Lisa: oh my god…hilarious! I feel like that should be the commercial for the iphone! the ipod and the cell start having a secret romance
Jester: on top of a laptop mac
Lisa: yes…totally
Jester: we really should work on that online marketing company
Lisa: I know. Wait, when are we going to start writing and recording jingles?!
Jester: as soon as I get that website done
Lisa: what website?
Jester: www.redstaplerstudio.com
Lisa: what’s that?
Jester: it’s the design company i’m starting
Lisa: nice!!!
Jester: my friend Dan and I are doing our first OFFICIAL contract job right now
Lisa: that’s great!
Jester: and i’ll put it up as a portfolio site so I can do the main company site and incorporate
Lisa: wow…that’s so great!
Jester: And then we’ll be good to go. and I seriously want to do some jingles and some musical introductions for pod/video casts
Lisa: Well, if you need any help I’m in!!!
Jester: of course. that’s been the plan all along
Lisa: that would be so fun
Jester: no kidding!
Lisa: now I have various jingles stuck in my head
Jester: hahah. I”m listening to Yummy Yummy Yummy now.
Lisa: oh that’s a fun one
Jester: i’m telling you, that alarm clock must have been a FINE piece of circuitry.
Lisa: HA…some serious electronic Boo-tay
Jester: Just hope they were safe.. I don’t need any computer viruses
Lisa: HAAAA…oh my god..I’m cracking up
Jester: this is totally going on the blog.
Lisa: it really should
Lisa: It should really be the commercial. I feel like we need to pitch that to apple.

Oct 23

Money Mystery

I used to have the habit of emptying my pockets of loose change and bills onto the kitchen counter with my keys. It was just easier to keep track of where the cash was, and made it less likely to end in up in the washing machine.

Over a period of time I realized that the bills that I put on the counter were disappearing. Initially, I assumed that I had picked it up without thinking about it. After a week or so, I concluded that either my aunt or my roommate was “borrowing” the cash.

I tried to keep track of just how much was disappearing. I asked my aunt if she had been using it for tolls or something. She hadn’t been, in fact, she had noticed that the cash from her bedside bowl had slowly been disappearing, too. She had been meaning to ask me about it.

It became clear that I needed to confront our roommate about the cash. I didn’t want to be a jerk about it, but I was already covering most of the bills and doing all the housework, I really couldn’t stand the idea that he would be stealing from me and my aunt, no matter how small the dollar amount.

He came home from his job at a local bank, and I decided to confront him in my most “diplomatic” way.

“Hey Chris, is everything going ok for you lately?”

“Sure… things are actually pretty good,” he replied.

“So, you’re not having any money problems or anything are you?”

“What do you mean? Are you wanting me to pay more rent?” A slight note of concern was creeping into his voice.

“No, no… nothing like that… I’m just saying, you know if you are having trouble you can just ask and I can try to help you out… If the few dollars that I leave out on the counter could help you out, just ask man.”

“Wait… what are you talking about? Do you have money missing too?” He asked.

“Too?”

“Yeah, I’ve had cash disappear from my bedroom the past several days. I sort of thought you were taking it since I’m not really paying you enough rent or something.”

“Chris, I don’t go in your bedroom. How much are you missing?”

“I don’t know, sixty, seventy bucks.”

“What?!”

“Yeah.”

“Well I don’t know what to say. I’m sure Celeste isn’t taking it. She has money missing, too.”

We dropped the conversation at that point, and I have to admit that I wasn’t entirely convinced that Chris wasn’t taking the money. I decided the only way to know for sure would be to catch him in the act.

Over the next week, I continued leaving my bills on the counter. Never more than twenty bucks, usually less than ten. I would try to make sure that I stayed awake until Chris got home from his second job at Starbucks so I could confirm the cash was still on the counter when he went to bed.

Every morning, the money would be gone again. He must have been getting up in the night while we slept and helping himself to my pocket money.

I decided that it was time to confront him seriously and give him the ultimatum that he stop stealing my shit or he had to get out.

I sat up late that night, hanging out with a book on the couch. Chris was due home around midnight. Celeste was already in bed. I had told her that I was probably kicking Chris out and she agreed it was the best idea.

Right around 11:45 I heard some rustling in the kitchen. I looked up to see my tabby cat, Zipper, trotting happily out of the dining room with a five dollar bill in her mouth.

zippersinkShe would stash it in multiple areas around the house… a closet, under the bathroom sink, under my bed.

I’ll never be sure that we found it all, but the first round of searching turned up $372.

To this day, I can’t leave a dollar bill on the counter. She doesn’t seem to care about denominations. Pity, I could make a killing by taking her with me to visit all my friends.

Oct 19

Oopsie!

It was brought to my attention this morning that yesterday’s post “Lunch With Lee” was formatted in a way that made it illegible.

Silly me. When I was working on the post in my text editor, I forgot to close all the tags.

Sorry about that! It’s fixed now, so you can click over (or scroll down) and giggle. 🙂

Oct 18

Lunch with Lee

We join this lunchtime conversation already in progress:

Lee: The thing is… he says he wants me to take his virginity tonight.

[beat]

Lee: He’s 18.

Jester: [eyebrows raise]… I want to see a picture.

Lee: I’ll send you one when I get back to my desk.

Jester: Better yet, I’d like video of the event.

Lee: You mean set up a camera tonight?

Jester: Yeah. Offer him a video of the event for his hope chest.

Lee: [giggle] That’s a great idea….

Jester: You could offer a DVD as part of your standard package of services…

Lee: The director’s cut!

Jester: … or uncut.

Lee: Either way.

Incidentally, we were eating in a Chinese restaurant in Berkeley called “King Dong.”