* Ring Ring *

“Thanks for calling God’s office, Mother Teresa speaking.”

“Hi, Ma. It’s Jester again, is God available for a quick chat?”

“Oh! Hi Jester! I’ll check for you, oh yeah, by the way, thanks for that recipe for mint margaritas, they were a big hit at our Cinco de Mayo party.”

“No problem, I’m glad you liked them. I just hope no one got carried away this year.”

“Well… I probably shouldn’t tell you about it, but the kid over did it again. At one point he was doing body shots off of River Phoenix AND Anna Nicole. I’m not sure who he ended up with, but I heard that he had to get his penicillin prescription refilled. Again.”

“Ouch… so… uh… is he available?”

“Oh, yeah! Sure. Just a sec.”

*beep*

“God here. How’s it going, Jester?”

“Well, I still don’t have a job, but at least I’m not sick like last week.”

“Yeah, I tried to speed that up for you. You did ask for some help losing weight, so I figured a week to lose 12 pounds was a pretty quick response.”

“That’s true. I do wish it could have been a little more pleasant of an experience, but I understand! So, God, the reason I’m calling today is to see if I could get a quote from you about the latest celebrity addition to your entourage.”

“Oh? Sure. He was a truly funny guy. I loved him on Grace Under Fire, and he was a pure genius on the Newhart Show.”

“Uh, that’s Tom Poston. I was referring to Jerry Falwell.”

“Jerry Falwell? Just a second, let me check my files… hmm… it’s not here.”

“Well, he’s a new arrival, just this morning as a matter of fact.”

“Oh. Well, bless her, she’s great on the phone, but Teresa is dreadfully slow with the paperwork around here. I swear one of these days my office is going to go up in flames with all her smoking and the files laying every where… you know just last week I told her that she…”

“Um, God, sorry to interrupt, but this call is costing me a fortune. Surely you know Jerry Falwell. He’s the guy that has been speaking on your behalf since the 70′s. He founded the ‘Moral Majority’ in 1979. He famously sued Penthouse and Hustler magazines… told the press that the attacks on the World Trade Center was the fault of the gays and the ACLU.”

“Oh wait… is that the Teletubbies guy?”

“Yeah! That’s him.”

“Well, I’m sorry to say you’ve wasted a call today. You’re going to have to ask Lucifer for a quote. I gave Mr. Falwell up back in 1958 when he spoke out against the Supreme Court’s Brown v The Board of Education decision. He claimed that I was in favor of segregation. I emailed him once, when he made the mistake of claiming the Anti-Christ was a Jewish man. I told him he was an idiot. He never answered me, but I did end up on his email forward list. He was obsessed with that monkey who sticks his finger up his ass and then smells it. Have you seen that video?”

“Yeah, about 10 years ago. So you’re saying that Jerry wasn’t your mouthpiece? He didn’t speak for you?”

“Of course not, I don’t speak through people anymore. Too many idiots try to ‘interpret’ what I said and make it all about their agenda. I prefer to speak through actions now. Man, I can’t stop thinking about that video of the monkey. It was pretty funny, I could send it to you if you’d like.”

“No, that’s ok. I’ve seen it and I don’t really care for email forwards. I’m on enough spam mail lists anyway.”

“Are you sure? It’s really funny. What’s your email?”

“Uh… I have a hotmail account you could send it to… I don’t check it very often though.”

“Excellent. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

“If you could do something about the job situation, I’d be much obliged. Otherwise, things are fine for now.”

“I’ll see what I can do… send a resume over to Teresa, would you?”

“Uh… yeah, I guess one more file on her desk won’t hurt anything. I’ll talk to you later!”

“Buh bye.”

* click *