Memorial Day is rapidly approaching, signaling the start of the tourist season in the San Francisco area.

Let me be among the first to welcome you to one of the most beautiful areas of the country. We have a lot to offer. Within 200 miles you can visit the rocky cliffs of the Pacific Ocean, the Redwood forest, Yosemite, the rolling hills of the Napa Valley, the beautiful Monterey Bay and Carmel. San Francisco is home to some of the best restaurants on earth. There are numerous theaters, a world-class symphony, hundreds of live music venues, nightclubs, and seemingly every weekend there is some special event or parade happening to entertain you.

That being said, I’d like to give everyone who is considering a trip out here a few pointers to make your vacation go as smoothly as possible. Some of these tips may even save your life.

1. It’s fucking cold in San Francisco. Yes, I know when you think of California you immediately picture Baywatch, the beach, bikinis, sunshine, surfers, and hot guys walking around half naked. Here’s the reality: the average high temperature in San Francisco during the summer is 70 degrees. Let me say that again, the HIGH temperature in the SUMMER is 70 degrees. That’s on a sunny day. If the day happens to be foggy, that temperature could be more like 56 or 57 degrees. You may recall that San Francisco is often called the “Fog City.” You will most likely experience the fog. Your flip flop sandals, board shorts and tank tops are a ridiculous choice to walk around town in. People who live in the city carry a jacket with them at all times. If you forget this, don’t worry, there are hundreds of vendors and crappy tourist shops near Pier 39, Fisherman’s Wharf, and Chinatown where you can buy $50 sweatshirts with signs on them that broadcast you are tourist.
2. It’s fucking hot outside of the city. Yes, I know I just told you to bring a jacket, but if you plan to leave the city, you have to know that the temperature rises basically 1 degree per mile. I’m not kidding. I live around 45 miles outside of the city. One day last summer I left the house to drive to the city. It was 104 degrees outside. When I arrived at the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, the temperature had dropped to a chilly 56 degrees. If you plan to leave the city to visit Napa, Sacramento, or other outlying areas you’ll want to dress appropriately. Daisy Dukes are not appropriate. Ever. I mean it.
3. You know that vacation budget you have set aside for your trip here? Double it. Everything here is expensive. As I mentioned, there are great restaurants here, they are not cheap. However, you will find that food is the least of your worries. You can expect to pay around $145/night for a moderately nice hotel room. If your tastes run more along the Hyatt, Omni, or the W you can expect to pay $300 or more.
4. If you plan to rent a car (and really you should consider NOT renting a car and using our fairly nice public transportation system) you should ask yourself if it will bother you to spend $20 every time you park your car. Not per day, every time. This means if you pull over thinking you’ll just walk around Fisherman’s Wharf for a couple of hours, before moving along to Haight/Ashbury you’re going to spend money to park both times. For all intents and purposes, there is no such thing as street parking. Dream on.
5. Sticking with the expense theme, let’s talk about gasoline prices. I bought gas today at the cheapest station in my town. I bought the cheapest gas. I paid $3.36 per gallon. I don’t live in the city. If you buy gas in San Francisco (providing you can find a gas station, I swear there are only three any where near downtown) you can expect to add a good $.25 more per gallon.
6. You know how you like to stare up at buildings, take pictures on every corner, and wear a fanny pack? Don’t do that. Besides the fact that you look ridiculous, you are just making yourself a target for scam artists and thieves. It’s a big city, and San Francisco has all the same problems with crime that any other big city has.

Stay tuned for my next post where I will give you some tips that will hopefully keep you from being beaten to death by one of the city’s fine residents.

* Despite the similarity in description, “tourist season” is not the same as say, “deer season” or “rabbit season.” I got some strange looks at the parks and recreation office when I asked.