Welcome to Jestertunes! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Feel free to leave a comment, read through the archives, and enjoy yourself. See you again real soon!

It’s been a while since the last installment of Ask Jester, and you guys have asked LOTS of questions! So many I may never catch up!*

So let’s just get to it, shall we?

What is Melinda Doolittle’s religion? - Curious in Canada
Dear Curious - I don’t think it takes a genius to figure this one out. Her bio page on American Idol.com references “Christ,” “The Bible,” and “Jesus.” It’s pretty safe to assume that she is a Christian. Since she is also from the Nashville area, headquarters of the Southern Baptist church, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to guess that she is a Southern Baptist. If I ever meet her (it could happen, she’s a FOAF) and it comes up, you’ll be the first to know. I know that it’s difficult to enjoy a performer’s work without knowing their sexual proclivities and religious affiliations.

What was the last song sang by Antonella Barbra (Barba)? - Deaf Guy in Duluth

Dear Deaf Guy - I’m sure you’re using the term “sang” loosely, yes? I think what you meant to ask was, “What song did Antonella murder so badly that America finally voted her off the show?” Well the world was subjected to her ear-splitting renditions of two Diane Warren -penned songs, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” (Aerosmith) and “Because You Loved Me,” (Celine Dion) but it was her massacre of “Put Your Records On” (Corinne Bailey Rae) that finally sent her back to Jersey.

Who originally wrote “I Swear” and “I Can Love You Like That”? - All 4 One 4evah! in Allentown

Dear All 4 One 4evah! ::gag:: Gary Baker and Frank J Meyers penned the 1994 Best Country Song Grammy award winner, “I Swear.” It was a country hit for John Michael Montgomery and it was a massive pop hit for All-4-One later that year. Interestingly enough, “I Can Love You Like That” was also a country hit for John Michael Montgomery that All-4-One ALSO covered and had a hit with. Songwriters Jennifer Kimball, Maribeth Derry, and Steve Diamond won an NSAI Songwriter Achievement Award for “Song of the Year” in 1995. Delious Kennedy of All-4-One plays a big role in The Record Contract series I recently completed.

What are the lyrics to “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” by Yvonne Elliman? - Google’s Broken in Great Britain

Dear GB, you can find all the lyrics you could ever want online at www.stlyrics.com, and www.lyricsdepot.com, even for songs like this one from Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar.” I highly recommend the version by Helen Reddy, uh.. err.. that is… if you like that sort of thing… which I of course don’t because that would make me completely uncool.

Is a dog perm good for a woman’s vagina? - Poodle Lover in Peoria

Dear Poodle Lover, there are so many, many things going through my head right now. Isn’t it bad enough that we dress up our dogs in little sweaters and bonnets? Must we further subject them to ridiculous hair styling techniques? That being said… WHAT?! Are you trying to tell me that your lady’s short and curlys aren’t curly? And they’re long enough to perm? How would that even work? Can you imagine what a vagina in rollers would look like? And the chemicals (dog strength notwithstanding) are probably not designed to be anywhere NEAR a mucous membrane. You should probably consult a professional. Hair designer or psychiatrist. Your choice.

What’s the best way to cover a bad unibrow? - Bert Ernie in Sesameville

Dear Ernie, show these to Bert:

Is it ok to shave your stomach, but not your chest? - Hairy in Healdsburg

Dear Hairy, no ma’am.

I’m working on the next edition, so keep the questions coming!

* That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.