in Thoughts

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You know what totally makes you feel better when you’ve sunk into a depression?

Making fun of people who have it worse than you.

Usually.

I just caught a couple of episodes of the A&E series “Intervention.” If you aren’t familiar with the show, here’s the premise… some family member talks the subject of the show into appearing in a documentary on addiction. What they don’t know is that at the end of the filming period the family springs an intervention on them and sends them off to a rehab center. Personally, I think I would be very suspicious of a documentary crew filming me snorting heroin off a People magazine before leaving for my job as a prostitute at a local bath house. But then again, I’ve never done heroin, so who knows what would make me suspicious.

I have an strong desire to drink a dirty martini while watching the show, but I don’t because the irony police would probably beat me with clubs for doing so.

Normally I just sit and quietly cry while watching the show. I don’t know why I voluntarily do this, I don’t imagine straight guys have any idea what I’m talking about, but most women will… I am an empath and I will tear up watching Oprah, anything with an animal getting hurt, anything where two people snort and snot all over each other crying and hugging whether in pain or joy… I will cry along. And I can’t turn the channel.

While I was wiping my eyes tonight watching the story of Kim the anorexic and then Kristen the aforementioned heroin-addicted prostitute and realized that I was also kind of jealous of them.

They have an excuse for the mess that their life has become. It’s not necessarily a good excuse… but it’s something tangible. They could have finished school, but their father beat them senseless and they started drinking at the age of 8 to escape. They could have accomplished something but crystal meth derailed their dream.

I could have finished school, but I was trying to work nights to pay for it and got burned out and bored. I could have accomplished something but I can’t say no when I should, quickly get overwhelmed, and then get burned out and bored. I keep getting screwed over by other people when I should know better by now.

I’m jealous that people like Kim and Kristen have someplace to turn for help. Yes, they are at rock bottom, yes they are boozy messes. They hurt the people around them and do untold damage to their bodies. But they can disappear to a facility in the desert somewhere with nothing to do but get their shit together.

I don’t really drink… occasionally a glass of wine, a martini or a manhattan… but it’s not that often. Certainly not everyday. Not even once a week. I don’t use drugs. I’ve smoked my fair share of pot, mostly in my teens and early twenties. I haven’t been stoned in probably a year and a half or more. And that time may have been the only time in the past 3 or 4 years. I wouldn’t even know where to find any. I have never used meth, cocaine, or heroin. I will admit that I have in the past taken a morphine pill, but the intense itching that followed made the experience so unpleasant I have never touched another one. I have had a half-tab of ecstasy, which apparently for my body weight was the equivalent of a baby aspirin. I experienced no effect. I was actually disappointed by this, but never bothered to seek another dose.

I smoke the occasional vanilla clove cigarette, maybe 4 cigarettes a week, unless I’ve been drinking or I’m at a casino, where I smoke more. I’m not addicted to gambling. I enjoy it, yes. But I don’t go that often. I haven’t been since December.

I’m not addicted to porn. I’m not addicted to my email, or shopping, or any of the other pitfalls that trap so many people.

But I want to be. I want an excuse.

But mostly, I want to go to “Promises”.

 

We should be able to pull together an intervention for friends who are just dragging ass.
You walk in and everyone is sitting around the living room, your mom is sobbing, and looking at you with guilt. I would be the first to speak, because, although I hardly know you, I love the limelight. Jester, we think it is time you get your life together and either start smoking crack so we can be on A&E, or you go back to college. Your choice.

Killer wrote on March 24th, 2007 at 9:20 am

 

 

There is no MD behind my name but my instincts tell me that you are in a major depressive state. As if you did not know that already; and, yes, I’ve been there. If you are not being treated for that; then it is strongly suggested that you do so. The treatment will not make all your issues disappear but should help you cope to the extent that you can better concentrate on dealing with them. My best wishes to you with the hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel very soon.

Crail wrote on March 24th, 2007 at 12:23 pm

 

 

I totally know what you mean about the empath thing. I will tear up at commercials. Frequently. Makes me feel like a goober.

Bianca wrote on March 25th, 2007 at 6:49 am

 

 

It sounds like you are in search of a good life balance: a job that pays enough so that you can pay the bills and have a little extra and a personal life that involves good people who are cheap entertainment and take your mind off of work. That’s very attainable and rather rewarding in that I’ve-finally-realized-I’m-not-going-to-change-the-whole-world kind of way. I change worlds all the time: my world, my friends’ worlds, and my office world. Being a world changer takes effort! YOu have to put the right things in motion. You’re smart and kind AND you’re lucky, because you have no excuses.

Liz wrote on March 25th, 2007 at 4:44 pm

 

 

Killer - I’ve often said I wanted to get a heroin addiction for 30 days so I could lose some weight. I’m not sure I can sell myself on the crack addiction for a shot on a basic cable show. Now network or HBO…

Crail - Thanks. There’s really no question about my state of mind right now. I’ve had a period in the past where I was on an anti-depressant. I’m not sure that it ever did anything for me. I don’t have the luxury of health insurance at the moment to find out.

Bianca - One day when we meet, we’ll have to sit and cry in front Hallmark commercials. I’ll bring the vodka.

Liz - I don’t know that I can accept the not-going-to-change-the-world idea. Not now… maybe not ever. That’s part of the problem.

jester wrote on March 27th, 2007 at 3:43 am

 

Say something already!