Dear White Hyundai Accent Driver


You don’t know me. I’m sure you didn’t notice me driving behind you on I-80 earlier this evening. I normally wouldn’t have looked twice at your Buy One Get One Free vehicle, but you had what appeared to be a Human Rights Campaign sticker on the back bumper.

I love living in the bay area where people can freely drive around with gay pride stickers on their car. It’s not uncommon to see rainbow stickers, bear flags, leather daddy flags, and other homo-friendly sentiments displayed conspicuously on everything from cute little Volkswagens to gigantic SUV’s and Hummers. In fact, my silver Toyota Matrix has a rainbow antenna ball.

I’m not sure why we do this, maybe to feel like we’re part of a club. We pull up next to each other at stop signs and wave at each other, or more often than not do that “cool man head nod.” Of course there’s always the hope that we all secretly harbor that we’ll pull up next to a marked car and the single guy of our dreams will be driving. He’ll look over and our eyes will meet and our souls will be instantly connected and from that point on we can use the carpool lane with our dogs in the backseat of our hybrid. It could happen, right?

So you can imagine my dismay as I got closer to your car I got a better look at the bumper sticker on your car:

Awful Gay = Pervert Bumpersticker

It was joined by other stickers that shared other nuggets of wisdom such as “I’m Pro-Woman, Pro-Life” and “The TRUTH is out there.” All of the stickers directed me to view a website for more information.

I spent the rest of the evening steaming about the fact that you have taken the symbol of a very worthwhile organization and turned it into something vile and acidic.

I can appreciate your right to free speech. I can appreciate that you have opinions and feel strongly about them. That doesn’t however change my desire to shake you until your eyes pop out.

I got home not long ago and decided to look up the website you were advertising,

It’s the “Official Educational Headquarters of Dr. Don J. Grundmann for President.” Man, you’re a nut case! It’s bad enough that you make no distinction whatsoever between a child molester and a gay man:

Despite any and all objections it can be easily demonstrated that one of the goals of the homosexual movement is to normalize child molestation; i.e; to make it a everyday occurrence which has not only no criminal penalties attached but is actually celebrated, endorsed, encouraged, and cultivated.

but you also have rather… umm… interesting ideas on other issues. Here are some of my favorite coo-coo moments from your site:

If you are An American working in America, there is no law which requires you to either file a tax return or to pay income tax.

The facts of the autopsy show, conclusively and without doubt, that Sirhan Sirhan COULD NOT HAVE BEEN THE KILLER OF ROBERT KENNEDY!!

The organization known as Planned Parenthood, being founded upon the principles of Social Darwinism and by known supporters of Social Darwinism and its most egregious and outrageous attacks against humanity, must be totally eliminated from all government funding of any type, circumstance, or possibility in all venues inclusive of national, state, and local considerations.

I must give you some credit for actually making a page that clearly states your positions on issues (something I think every candidate should be forced to do). Your positions are completely unpredictable… you are pro-gun and pro-life, but also pro-alternative power and inexplicably you think global warming is a hoax. You want to abolish the IRS and our entire economic system and think that vaccinations for children are dangerous.

Now I’m wishing I had just followed my first instinct to just slam my car into yours. Then I’d be able to put a bumper sticker on my car proclaiming, “This fag rear-ended a bigot.”

In conclusion, I just wanted to write you this note to let you know that I will be unable to offer you a position as my running mate in 2012.

I hope you understand.

9 thoughts on “Dear White Hyundai Accent Driver

  1. I think it would have been accurate if the bumper sticker had said [everyone = secret fetish of some kind] or [driver = likes blowup dolls because he can’t get real women].

  2. Oh, man, if you printed up some “This fag rear-ended a bigot” bumper stickers, I would so buy some. And thanks for taking one for the team and reading for us. You’re a good man.

  3. please explain to me what in the hell homosexuality has to do w/ child molestation???…obviously this site ( is in serious denial on several different personal issues. It is a shame that this country can not get it’s head out of its ass and let people live their lives. Isn’t “persuit of happiness” mentioned somewhere?????..guess that is only applied to straight people….god, people piss me off….ok..i m done…love ya jester…later…

  4. Bianca – or driver = idiot.

    Miss Britt – Straight people can safely hit on anyone. You don’t need symbols. But you’re right… we do get to have all the fun.

    Howard – Welcome! Your wish is my command. See the next post.

    Neurotic Mom – Just doing my job!

    Tanjua – When was the last time you heard about a child molester that was not molesting children of the same sex? It’s probably been a long time, despite the fact that an OVERWHELMING majority of molesters are heterosexual. The media never really mentions that. It’s one of our crosses to bear.

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