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Table of contents for Ask Jester
- Ask Jester
- Ask Jester
Hey Gang, it’s time for another rousing episode of everyone’s favorite advice and random question column! There’s a ton of stuff to cover, so I’m going to just jump right in, get down to it, examine the nitty-gritty, hop on board that train and ride it to knowledgetown. Err. Anyway, I’m just going to get on with it.
Question: What is your opinion on the use of Hello Kitty sextoys? (or even the very existence of them) - DutchBitch.
Answer: Well Dutchy, I personally find them creepy and disturbing. I certainly hope that if you have any children in the house, they are unable to find your Hello Kitty turbo vibrator. I can just imagine the look on your guest’s faces when the little one drags THAT out into the living room to play teaparty. On the other hand, the Hello Kitty Enormous Dildo™ might couple well with your Strawberry Shortcake condoms.
I think my boyfriend might be gay. He recently started wearing a silver ring on his middle finger. Does that mean he’s gay? -Hopeful in High School
Dear Hopeful, ask yourself three very important questions. First, when you talk about your life together after high school, does he A) agree with your white picket fence views, or B) does he insist that your house be located across the street from a Gold’s Gym/YMCA/bathhouse? Second, if you say the word “Oklahoma” to him, does he A) immediately think of cows, corn, country music and church, or B) does he break into “Surrey With the Fringe on Top” complete with a choreographed square dance? Finally, and probably most importantly, does he suck cock?
If you answered “B” to any of the above questions, or discover that he does indeed suck cock, then you can safely assume that he is gay. Wearing an earring in the right ear, or a ring on the middle finger is no longer a signal since the “metro-sexualization” of rednecks in the past decade. The only clear indicator now is a freshly shaved pair of balls on his chin.
How many benadryl does it take to kill someone? -Pissed Off in Poughkeepsie
Dear PO’d, according to the PDR, the maximum daily dosage for an adult is 400mg. I’d start with a minimum of 1200mg to get you started. The pills you have in your medicine cabinet are likely 25mg each, so you’ll need 48 pills. Of course, one 50 count bottle of benadryl doesn’t seem like quite enough, and since it will vary widely based on the patient’s victim’s body weight, I’d go for the gold with a econo-sized 250 pill bottle from Costco. 6,250mg of benadryl should do the trick, but I fear you’re going to have a hard time convincing someone to swallow a whole bottle of little pink pills, so you should probably grind them up with a mortar and pestle, and surreptitiously sneak them into the food. You know what? This sounds like a whole lot of fucking work. Just shoot the bastard and be done with it. Good luck!
Is it ok to sleep at boyfriend’s house at seventeen? -Concerned Father
Dear Father, I guess it just depends. It’s hard to say from your question. I see a few scenarios.
My mouth, your toilet, Sir? -Faggot
Dear Faggot, Err…. umm… well ok, just make sure you clean under the rim this time. We have the worst hard water stains.
Do casinos play with three decks in non-blackjack games? -In Foreclosure in Fairview
Dear Foreclosure, I can say with some degree of certainty that casinos do not use three decks in any of the following games, Roulette, Craps, Slots, or Valet Parking. I can say with a somewhat lesser degree of certainty that I have never seen a game that used an odd number of multiple decks. In fact, I can’t think of a single non-blackjack card game at a casino that uses more than one deck. I also can’t think of a single reason why you would want to play any other game than blackjack. Freak.
Is it ok to wank? - Callused in Colusa
Dear Callused, yes, in fact, judging by the picture you enclosed, in your case, it’s preferred. Especially in the dark. Away from mirrors. PS. Stop calling me.
Is Homestar Runner gay?
While he does claim to have a girlfriend, Marzipan, he did seem overly concerned that “The Good Times are Over.” I have also noticed that he does seem to have a pretty gay dysfunctional relationship with Strong Bad. This warrants further research, since Homestar does not have fingers, therefore looking for the silver ring on his middle finger is out of the question.
That does it for this edition of Ask Jester. Join me next time for a Very Special Episode dedicated to sedating cats.
