Oct 31

Happy Halloween

hallow3.jpghallow7.jpgUMB was just complaining to me a couple of days ago that there are a lot of pictures of other people on my page, but none of him.

Apparently he has forgotten the photo of himself in all his glory on my folk’s back deck. So because I like sleeping next to him, I’ll acquiesce and make sure that I’ll put a great photo of him up on the site today.

Let’s see… it’s Halloween… it should be something cutesy like umm… no… not that one… Aha! I got it!

hallow6.jpgIntroducing my favorite French Maid.

And in the interest of fairness, since Toby seems to think I can’t humiliate myself on my own blog* I’d also like to introduce you to my quirky Aunt Flo.

You can keep your Freddy Krueger, Jason, Pinhead, Candyman, and the Clown from Stephen King’s It. I don’t think it gets any scarier than that.

* I can’t understand this point of view, surely he’s READ this blog, I humiliate myself all the time.

Oct 30

My long lost older brother

This week’s featured site, Scott-o-rama, is written by a guy that I think really could be be related to me. He’s a “thirty-something gay man living in Arizona” he is partnered, posts pictures of man candy, and thinks everyone else on the planet drives like an asshole. Sound at all familiar? Show him some click love and try not to get addicted to that damn Funny Farm game he links to. I’ve already wasted several hours in front of it. Sheesh!

If you’re feeling click generous, you could also show some love to Ghost Works Online who was brave enough to let me crash on her couch for the week.

Oct 30

Post or Die

Post or DieSo someone (who knows who) has declared that November is National Blogging Month.

I guess the general idea is that for the month of November 2006, we’re supposed to write a post about something every single day in the month.

If you’d like to participate, check out this site and put your name on the list. I’m going to do my best to actually write that much.

Oct 30

The Billboard

Found in the Tub O Memories last night, these are the lyrics to a song my favorite 6th grade teacher, Lavetta Prichard, used to sing in class. I wrote them out long hand, and even dated the paper (yes, I was a geek) on May 24, 1986.

When I was walking down the street, a billboard caught my eye.
The advertisements written there would make you laugh and cry.
The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before,
And as I gazed upon it, well, this is what I sawr:
Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes. Drink Wrigley’s Spearmint beer.
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your wife’s complexion clear.
Chew chocolate-covered mothballs—they’re sure to satisfy.
Brush your teeth with Lifebuoy soap and watch the suds go by.

When I recovered from the shock, I went along my way.
I’d gone no further than a block, when there to my dismay,
Another billboard caught my eye, just like the one before,
And as I gazed upon it, well, this is what I sawr:

Take your next vacation in a brand-new Frigidaire.
Learn to play piano in your winter underwear.
Simonize your baby with a Hershey’s candy bar,
And see the difference that Drano makes in all the movie stars!

Doctors say that babies shouldn’t smoke ‘til they are three.
People over 35, take baths in Lipton Tea.
Oh, you can make America a better place today—
Just buy a copy of this song and throw it far away!

I guess I always knew that she didn’t write the song, but I had convinced myself that she had, and she was terribly witty and funny and I wanted to be just like her. She lived in the best part of town, wore nice clothes, was definitely the most ‘popular’ of the teachers. However, she didn’t write it. It’s an old song by the group “Homer and Jethro” who also had a song called, “I’m My Own Grandpa” that fans of the Dr. Demento show surely remember. Here’s their recording for your enjoyment. I am not responsible for it getting stuck in your head.

[audio:billboard.mp3]
Oct 30

Quantum Theory in Action

I haven’t published any more of The Record Contract story. I know this. There’s a very good reason: I’m still looking for my copy of the contract, because in order to explain the contract itself, it would be helpful to actually see the language used.

I have determined that the contract is not in my desk drawer where I thought I had last seen it. It is also not:

  • in my bedroom closet.
  • in the spare room closet.
  • the linen closet.
  • the living room couch.
  • the filing cabinet in the garage.
  • any of the several boxes of cds in the garage.
  • the refrigerator.
  • the bookshelf.
  • the tub of “stuff I need to go through” from the garage.

Oh, but I did find several items of interest in the tub in the garage, including The Letter from Toby. A copy of my response to The Letter. The 3 letters Toby wrote me while he was at Basic Training. Old address books and journals from my life in Nashville. My journal from my trip to Russia in 1991, some random photos of people I have forgotten. My high school diploma and medals and letter that should have been affixed to a ‘letterman jacket.’

There’s an old phone bill in the tub, the envelope had become stuck to the cover of a book of song lyrics that I used to write in. The phone bill itself is a history of people I knew and once spent a lot of time talking to.

There’s a scrapbook in there, it’s got my elementary school report cards in it. It was lying on top of my graduation photo. At the bottom of the tub is a tee shirt I bought in New York City while on a high school trip with my show choir.

I can’t help but think that my brain must look like this… the memory of standing in front of my great-grandmother’s coffin and asking my dad, “What’s in the box?,” is somehow connected to the memory of my first time I stepped into the Pacific Ocean. The face of my middle school girlfriend has somehow been implanted on the body of my favorite high school teacher.

My memories have started folding over on themselves until I can’t remember who said what when. Did UMB and go out to dinner last night, or three nights ago? Where did we go? I have no idea.*

Wouldn’t it be funny if there is some big joke at the end of our life, in which we’re just trapped in a gigantic tub of someone else’s memories, and we experience everything out of order for them, but in perfect order for us?

* Actually, this isn’t true. UMB just returned home from Texas this afternoon, so I can say with no question that we did NOT go out to dinner last night or three nights ago. Of course I will have to refer to this post next week in order to remember what day he came home.

Oct 26

Rubbergirl and a GIANT dog.

Rubbergirl and TannaRubbergirl just sent me a photo of her with her youngest baby, a mastiff named Tanna. Just as a size comparison, Radar, the black dog in the photo is a rather large rottweiler.

Compare the size of Rubbergirl’s head with that of Tanna’s. I haven’t met Tanna yet. But I’m ascared!

Oct 26

Cold in Witch’s Titty

Or Wichita, as those outside of the midwest probably know it. It was downright cold!

We arrived on Thursday evening, with absolutely no plan of what we were doing. Marge was busy with parent teacher conferences all night, and Toby was working until 11. We checked into the Holiday Inn, and after trying three different rooms where the internet didn’t work (seems to be the theme of this trip), the fine folks at the front desk upgraded us to a suite where the internet DID work.

Toby met us at the hotel and shot the shit for a while. He was quite excited about an interview scheduled for the next morning. It’s a step from working in a convenience store for $8 an hour to working in a medical office for $11. Quite a nice step up. (And a reality check for the people out here in the Bay Area who make insane amounts of money.)

We decided to find some food, and as the ONLY thing open after 11pm in Wichita is Denny’s we didn’t have much of a choice. Denny’s is always an adventure.

We were waiting for our food when the hostess seated a couple of girls in the booth behind Toby. One of which wass rather obviously a ‘working girl.’ I didn’t pay any attention to them until a few minutes later the pro turned around in her seat and leaned in close to Toby’s neck. He didn’t notice until the conversation ceased.

I wanted to say something to Toby about it, but A) I was afraid he’d turn around too quickly and smack her in the head with his face, and B) I really wanted to see what she was going to do.

I know. I’m a bitch. But you would have done the same thing.

Toby's New GirlfriendShe leaned in close and sniffed his neck, which is when he figured out that something was not quite right. She was wearing no less than 5 colors of eyeshadow in varying stripes in the area between… say…. her cheeks and forehead. She didn’t say a word. Just kinda stared at us in an obviously drug-induced bobble-headed way. I managed to snap this picture with my camera phone.

She finally turned around at the urging of her friend… she only turned around a couple of times to rub Toby’s head or play with his ear. He considered giving her a wet willy* but reconsidered, afraid of encouraging her.

The next day UMB and I met up with Marge and her oldest son, Nicholas. We grabbed a quick meal and caught a dreadful movie, The Prestige.

It really had the potential to be a good movie… the cast, Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine and Scarlett Johannson was a nice mix. The problem is that it has a “surprise ending” that comes as no surprise to anyone who was not asleep during the movie. They broadcast the secret in probably 5 scenes. And then, to make it worse, if you didn’t have it figured out by the final scene, one of the characters actually EXPLAINS the entire movie and reveals the secret yet again in as plain and matter of fact way as possible. Nicholas, the ten year old with ADHD had NO trouble following the movie. Even he thought it sucked.

Toby joined us at Marge’s house later that night, before we headed out to the club, Fantasies. Fantasies wasn’t really my scene… lots of 18-21 yo’s (KS allows them in some bars) and far too many suburban white kids who think they are gangstas. I’ve spent a lot of time in bad parts of Oakland, and I can assure you, the kids there would eat these Kansans for a light snack. But I digress.

Fantasies did at least have some cheap beer and we had plenty of that. I can tell you it’s still a strange sensation watching your ex boyfriend and your current boyfriend dancing together at a club. It’s also pretty fucking hot.**

The next morning my parents happened to be passing through Wichita so I gathered Marge and headed up to meet them for lunch. Toby met us there. It was quite an odd reunion, I must say. Marge hadn’t seen my parents in close to 7 years or more. They hadn’t seen Toby in 10. My mom didn’t recognize him, and it took her a few minutes of repeating, “Toby? To o o o b e e? Toby!!??” to put it together why she knew him.

Gayest Photo of Toby EverI managed to get some decent photos. Including the Gayest Photo of Toby Ever. There are more in the Toby photo album and the KFC Album.

We all went our separate ways after lunch. UMB and I headed south to Tulsa to spend an evening with Tracy Peace.

* For those foreign visitors, a wet willy is where you lick your finger and stick it in someone’s ear. It’s a disturbing sensation. Go on… try it!

** Did I say that outloud?

Oct 24

Home Again

Today was a travel day for me. I flew back from Dallas this afternoon. Stopped by Cache Creek Casino on the way home and won 800 bucks.

I know. You hate me. It’s ok.

I haven’t had the chance to introduce this week’s Featured Site: RhoRho’s Flow

Show her some click love won’t you. She’s got a good sense of humor.

Oct 19

Fun With Search Engines

As I like to do every so often, I share with you how people are finding my site. I find this sort of stuff quite interesting and most definitely entertaining… I’m a total voyeur when it comes to the things that people do when they think no one is watching. Searching Google is one of those things they think no one will ever know…

rbbrgrlofcrThe #1 term that gets people to my site: rubbergirl. I don’t know if those searching are looking for some stretchy superhero or a date that won’t eat much, but I’m sure they aren’t expecting to find the pictures of my good friend Tiffiny, who has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome that makes her connective tissues (including skin) very flexible and fun to play with.

Here are more:

  • kitty stir fry – god I hope you are really searching for Bianca’s site, and not a recipe for Persian tartare.
  • leprosy all my skin is falling off of me – um, yeah, it worked in context on my site… can’t imagine why you need it.
  • hurts to breathe out
  • fell hurts when i breathe in
  • my lungs hurt when i breathe
  • hurts when i breathe deeply – all of these are reaching the story It Only Hurts When I Breathe, which is definitely NOT about asthma, cracked ribs, pleurisy, or any other lung ailment. Get to a doctor instead of the fucking internet. Let a doctor diagnose you and THEN do your online research. We are building a nation of hypochondriacs because everyone thinks they have every single disease they read about online or see a commercial for on television.
  • gay or kiss or wank or masturbate or story truth or dare – ah, a definite smut seeker. Nice to have you.
  • katherine hepburn gap ad – Sorry to disappoint. That’s not Katherine in the Gap Ad, it’s Audrey.
  • vince rimoldi gay – Yes he is. And he’s beautiful.
  • springfield republican danger of high fructose corn syrup – I understand all of these terms. I can’t quite grasp the context. Yes, HFCS is evil. Republicans are evil. Ok, maybe I do get the context.
  • pictures of daniel letterle without a shirt – I don’t have any. If you find some would you forward them my direction? Thanks so much.
  • photos of my girlfriend julie – Ok, let me get this straight… you googled for YOUR girlfriend Julie. Did you find any? Who had them? Were they nudes? Julie who? Oh it pleases me to no end to think you found my most fabulous friend, Julie!
  • springfield missouri flying spaghetti monster – To my knowledge he was last spotted in Chicago eating a chili dog.
  • kc nightclubs dixie bell closed – Yes, sadly it has. You now have to go to Missie B’s to dance. I know. It’s not the same. You’ll survive.
  • wishing someone goodbye
  • words goodbye relationship
  • text messages for saying goodbye in relationships – These searches found their way to The Goodbye. I doubt it was a very helpful story. And as far as text messages for saying goodbye, uh, that’s tacky. It’s actually worse WORSE than the infamous post-it note breakup on Sex in the City. What would the text message say? “Itz nt u itz me. U suck n bed. Letz b frendz k?”

and finally, my favorite: