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Several years ago, (long before meeting UncleMonkyBoi) I met a guy from Napa named Austin.* He was a couple of years younger than me, cute, had his own place, a job (in those days these were RARE traits) at a local winery/bed and breakfast.

We met for the first time on Halloween, after a couple of weeks of online chatting. I was dressed as a nun, he was dressed as George Clooney from E.R. complete with a bloody set of scrubs. Magic, I know.

A few weeks of dating went by… I really can’t recall most of the time that we spent together. There was plenty of good wine (he was a wine snob), and he really loved that I had a fire place.

What I do remember is the Saturday night that my friend, Kristen came over and the three of us decided to head out to Faces in Sacramento. At the time Faces was one of really only two gay dance clubs in the area, and it was standing room only. Austin decided to go dance for a while in the techno bar, while Kristen and I hung out in the video bar, where they played music with you know… lyrics.

After a rather long period of time, the bar was closing and I decided that I should probably locate Austin. I found him getting quite friendly with some guy on the dance floor. He had quite clearly had a lot to drink as it seemed to take him a moment or two to recognize me when got his attention with my death stare.

We made our way outside for the Sidewalk Sale** and Austin made the brilliant deduction that I wasn’t very happy with him. What follows is our conversation:

Austin: So, can I talk to you?

Jester: I suppose.

Austin: You’re upset because I was all over that guy in there, right?

Jester: Uh, Yeah.

Austin: Look, I’m sorry, I’m a flirt. I’ve had a few Long Island Iced Teas, and this guy started dancing with me. It didn’t really mean anything. I know I came here with you, and you should know that I am going home with you.

So at this point, I’m remember thinking, He’s right, it’s not that big of a deal, and it’s kind of sweet how he said he is going home with me, maybe I’m blowing this all out of proportion. And then he said what remains as one of the worst things that has ever been said to me ever… and one of the longest running jokes in my circle of friends:

Austin: You know, even though you’re really fat, I still think you’re really hot.

::pause::

Austin: I’m used to dating guys who are really buff with huge dicks, and that’s clearly not you.*** But I really like you anyway.

If you can believe it, my first reaction was, He just said that he really likes me! Wow! And then my real brain kicked in and said, What did he just say to me!?

I decided that he was drunk enough that I didn’t want to stick him in my car without some sober-up time. So the three of us headed across the street to The Depot for some water and time. Kristen and I carried on a conversation about the UNBELIEVABLE thing Austin had just said to me. In the meantime, he was propped up on a bar stool drooling on the table. We finally had to leave when Austin stood up, walked to the fence around the outside patio, whipped it out and commenced to pissing all over the place. We decided to leave just ahead of the bar security heading our way to ‘kindly request’ that we vacate the premises.

We headed home, stopping several times so Austin could puke along I-80. I wouldn’t let him drive on home to Napa, so I stripped him down and wrestled him into bed. He promptly passed out.

About 7 in the morning, he starts making moves on me, clearly trying to get me in the mood. When I refused, he got quite upset.

Austin: You don’t want to have sex? Why not? Is this about what I said?

Jester: Uh. Yeah.

Needless to say, I never saw him again after that night. And ever since, my friends and I have had quite a laugh with our Even Though jokes. They look something like this:

You know, even though you’re really fat, I still like the way you smell.

You know, even though you’re really ugly, you are a good cook.

Even though you’re as dumb as a box of hammers, your ass looks great in those pants.

*Hell no, I’m not changing his name to protect his identity.

**The Sidewalk Sale is a phenomenon I’ve only ever witnessed at a gay bar. Everyone files outside to the sidewalk to smoke, laugh, and size up everyone that made it all the way to last call without a hookup. It’s a queer bluelight special, where the conversations are less like “You’re really hot” and more like “Eh, you’ll do.”

***I’m only going to say that I have NEVER had any complaints before, or since.