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First, let me start by saying, Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I’m sure this is a happy, if not strangely silent time for you.

Now that we have exchanged pleasantries, let’s get down to business. Please go away. Take your weird ass freakishly large nose and goofy teeth to the exalted alien inhabited volcano and throw yourself inside. You have worn out your welcome. In the past year, your face is everywhere…

• on billboards for shitty movies where you are upstaged by a nine-year-old girl,
• in every magazine even tangentially related to the entertainment world, usually with ‘aww isn’t she cute and doe-eyed’ Katie Holmes on your arm… you’ve become TomKat… pardon me, I just threw up a little,
• on Oprah going completely batshit, I mean really… I’ve seen people on Ecstasy with a Crack Chaser that were more coherent and self-controlled than you,
• and most importantly, your melt down on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, where you proclaimed yourself to be an expert in pharmacology, psychology, and gynocology.

Let me put this in perspective for you… you are an *actor.* A mediocre-at-best actor, no less. You are good for mindless, poorly written scripts involving big explosions and lots of computer generated images. (So what if you were in Magnolia, you were the perfect choice for that sleazy character, it was bit of typecasting, and frankly I think that part was written for you.) You are allowed the occasional political comment before we grow tired of your babbling.

The general public (yes I think I am speaking for the general public here) does not care if you belong to a cult, and let’s not kid ourselves here, Tom, Scientology is a cult… but you have to keep that stupid shit to yourself! I don’t care if you believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Mohammed, or Jesus… but why do you feel the need to push it on us? Do you realize that you have now traded your comma statement from “Tom Cruise, actor in blockbuster movies like Mission Impossible and War of the Worlds” for “Tom Cruise, Gullible Psychotic Freak…errr… Scientologist.” Do you feel so strongly about the Alien race in the mountain that you’re willing to make that trade?

And Tom, sweetie, if you think for a SECOND that we believe that you actually impregnated Katie Holmes by inserting your… heh… penis… in.. heh.. to… her… hahhahahaha… wait a second… *wipes tears* … *clears throat*… the point is, the kid might actually be your biological child, but we know you were fantasizing about being stuck on a mountain with Heath Ledger when you filled that turkey baster. You know what, it’s ok… I’m gay… there’s nothing wrong with it.. embrace it. You might think it’s a well-kept secret about your contractual marriage to Nicole… but it’s not… and your vehement denial of the many many gay ‘rumors’ only proves the point further.

Come on… embrace it… march in the parade.. bring the TomKitten and teach her how to be tolerant and open minded and loving… oh never mind, she’ll become a little alien princess too.

You know what would be great… if little Suri (oh please… Suri!?) ends up having a passionate lesbian affair with Brooke Shields’ new daughter, also born today. Wouldn’t that be great?

When that happens, and only then, are you allowed to grace the cover of US magazine again.

Sincerely,

Jester.