Tonight’s theme is “Songs from the Year the Contestants Were Born.” They are getting to this theme pretty early. Usually it’s only the top 6 or so that make me feel like a crotchety old man.
Naima Adedapo was born in 1984. She’s performing “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner. As much as I like her, I could barely listen to this. Her pitch was wavering all over the place. I don’t think it was bad enough to send her home, but I’m not rushing out to buy a copy.
Paul McDonald was also born in 1984. He’s picked Elton John’s “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues.” I’m so over this gangly muppet. I started out intrigued, but now… quirky has just become ingratiating and painful. Whether he’s got a cold or not, it was just weak and all kinds of a mess.
Thia Megia was born in 19fucking95. She’s singing “Colors of the Wind” by Vanessa Williams. Suddenly American Idol has become a pre-qualifying round in the Little Miss Toad Suck County Arkansas pageant. She was flat for most of the song. She’s trying so hard to be a vocalist in the vein of Celine Dion or Barbara Streisand, but she simply can’t sing like them. It was boring and bland.
James Durbin, born in 1989, picked “I’ll Be There For You” from Bon Jovi. He sucked every bit of emotion out of this song. He changed the rhythm of the verses to a really straight on the beat thing that I didn’t care for. That being said, his voice is probably the strongest of the entire season.
Hayley Reinhart, born in 1990, picked “I’m Your Baby Tonight” by Whitney Houston. Choosing a Whitney song is very risky. So… that’s what a Whitney song sounds like when it’s pushed through a singer’s nose before being strained through a cat’s asshole. Terrible. Horrible.
Am I on my period or is everyone just awful tonight?
Stefano Langone came into being in 1989. He picked “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red (originally Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes). I love this song. Finally a performance that doesn’t make me want to punch myself in the testicles. There was some intensity and more importantly, some good vocals. Head and shoulders above everyone else so far tonight.
Pia Toscano was born in 1988. She’s also picked a Whitney Houston song “Where do Broken Hearts Go.” Pia’s vocals are quite good. She’s easily the best girl. The arrangement is utter shit, though. If there was such a thing as generic elevator dance music, this would be the epitome.
Scotty McCreery, born 1993, and we’re being treated to “Can I Trust You With My Heart” by Travis Tritt. I suspect that he will perform this country song well. He will completely fall on his ass if he has to step into a pop song. Scotty being on this show is the equivalent of comparing apples to motorcycle parts. How do you do that? He’s fine for country. Despite what Randy says, he simply *can’t* sing anything. He’s got a very specific sound for a specific genre. So um, yeah. It was fine.
Karen Rodriguez was born in 1989. She chose a great song, “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dayne. This might be the first Taylor Dayne song that’s been performed on Idol… I’ll have to look that up. This was a just plain nice performance. Nothing special.
Casey Abrams, born in 1991, chose Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” I love that he has fun with every performance. He doesn’t take himself so seriously. His talent is unmatched this season. Even the weird screaming vocal was cooler than anything else on stage tonight.
Lauren Alaina was born in 1994. She chose “I’m the Only One” from Melissa Etheridge. So she has the flu. That’s too bad for her. It’s also too bad for me because one of my favorite songs was butchered tonight. I didn’t like the arrangement. I didn’t like the fact that she changed the lyrics. I didn’t like the twang she added. She doesn’t sing everything with a twang, so she specifically chose to twang it up. Sigh.
Jacob Lusk was born in 1987. He’s picked “Alone” by Heart. If he’s only 24 why does he look like he’s in his 40’s? I just… I just can’t do it. If the Wilson sisters went to the Assembly of God church in Stool Bend Mississippi they’d be raising babies and pushing paper in some dead end insurance job right now instead of being rock stars. I can’t stand flip-top head and his crazy quivering jaw. He spent most of the song so sharp he could cut glass.
Fuck me this was a hard show to get through tonight.
I can only vote for two performances in good conscience: Stefano and Casey.
So, was it just me? Tell me it was just me…